How would you handle this with your mother (or father for the guys)?

[lovemuffin]

I got in a fight with my mother recently and she said at one point "You always flaunted your boyfriends in front of me since you were a teenager." ?????????????????? WTF???

When I asked for more explanation she said "You would flaunt them in front of me like you were thinking 'Poor mom doesnt have a boyfriend' " I told her I had no idea where she got that and it really bohthered me. She said "Maybe it upsets you so much because there's truth in it." Another time we talked about it and I told her I was really upset by it she said "Well my mother said really weird things to me." The hell???? Like that makes it ok????

I am completely shocked. I never looked at my mother the way she thinks and my mother was a very attractive successful single woman and a lot of men seemed interested in her. My mom was sexually abused a lot as a kid though and has never been able to have a healthy/real relationship with a guy.

Anyway.. how would this make you feel? How would you handle it. I am not interested in mainting a relationship with her after this as I am very insulted and dont trust her anymore somehow.

[vashti]

I am not interested in mainting a relationship with her after this as I am very insulted and dont trust her anymore somehow.

Seriously? Are you trying to say you've never said stupid things to her? Do you want her to cut you off when you say something dumb?

You do not have to choose to react to everything someone says.

[Wakeup]

Muffin: What is your real problem? You seem to need the attention of this board by asking some rather beeeezaaaro questions.

What about your mother's question makes you not trust her anymore? Lets get to the bottom of whats going on with you and not worry about how it would make us feel or how we would handle it.

[IndiReloaded]

Well, an *adult* would understand that she perhaps feels a bit of jealousy over her lost youth and your youthful beauty (if not intelligence), by comparison. Its not unusual to feel this a bit. She's your mother, not a perfect being.

Is your mom truly such a horrible person (and are you so truly self-centred?) that you can't find the empathy to say something like:

Awww, mom. You are a wonderful and amazing woman. I love you. You should get out there and date more, there are many men who would be lucky to have you. (or something like)

[lovemuffin]

Muffin:

What about your mother's question makes you not trust her anymore? Lets get to the bottom of whats going on with you and not worry about how it would make us feel or how we would handle it.

I dont trust that she isnt harboring feelings of jealousy all the time and possibly trying to undermine me. She is also jealous of other things in my life. I started noticing a few years ago... but this comment confirmed it.

[lovemuffin]

Well, an *adult* would understand that she perhaps feels a bit of jealousy over her lost youth and your youthful beauty (if not intelligence), by comparison. Its not unusual to feel this a bit. She's your mother, not a perfect being.

Is your mom truly such a horrible person (and are you so truly self-centred?) that you can't find the empathy to say something like:

Awww, mom. You are a wonderful and amazing woman. I love you. You should get out there and date more, there are many men who would be lucky to have you. (or something like)

I have been trying to help her with her problems for years now and get her to live her life.. find a man... etc. This is the thanks I get? To learn she's been harboring jealousy my whole life is disturbing. She also said in response during one conversation about her comment "Well my mother used to say weird things to me"... like that makes it ok? So she hated her mother and what she did to her but its ok to do the same to me? This is another reason I dont trust her.

She also alaywas seems to think about her childhood pain but never even acknowledged how my dad just disappeared from my life one day. It was like an unwrittten rule in my house we dont talk about him. It wasnt until i was 19 I started to even remember I had a father somewhere.

[Wakeup]

Muffin: Have you ever talked to someone professional about your childhood and the resentment that you (understandably) feel towards your father who abandoned you? It seems you are blaming your mother for what your father did. She to could use some councelling (family councelling would do you both good) to come to terms with the abuse that she went through as a child. You're blaming your mother for being who she is when she became who she is because of an abusive, unloving childhood.

So: Have you or your mom ever gotten therapy to help you both get over your resentment for past wrongs? Would you consider getting some if you haven't already so that your resentment of your father doesn't ruin your future romantic relationships?

[lovemuffin]

My father didnt abandon us. She had him deported. I always knew he didnt want to leave.. I knew she made him leave.

As far as blaming my mother for being who she is. Oh ok... so its ok for her to abuse me because of what happened to her??? Is that what you would tell a child who was being sexually abused... or only emotional abuse doenst count?

[Wakeup]

My father didnt abandon us. She had him deported. I always knew he didnt want to leave.. I knew she made him leave.

*sighs* Get yourself the help you need to get over that. Your father had every opportunity to keep in contact with you through letters, skype, email, phone until you were of age to go visit him without your mother's permission. Did he do any of that? If not, then that is why you need therapy. What was her reason for having him deported?

As far as blaming my mother for being who she is. Oh ok... so its ok for her to abuse me because of what happened to her??? Is that what you would tell a child who was being sexually abused... or only emotional abuse doenst count?

She doesn't realize she is abusing you that is why she needs therapy. And.. no one said that is what would be said to someone who was sexually abused would be "okay" nor did I say that it was okay that she does what she does to you. Do not put words in my mouth, please. Do consider the option of getting your own help to overcome your emotional disturbances.

There is nothing wrong with helping yourself to be right in the head. Us agreeing with you and resenting your mother as well will do NOTHING to help you overcome.

[lovemuffin]

No he didnt. Contact wasnt allowed... although he tried. I remember receiving a few birthday cards but then she started destroying them. I finally called him when I was 19. He got a flight and was here to meet me 48 hours later. My mother had him deported on grounds of abuse. She never really loved him and he got very depressed after coming here and not able to find a job. She was visiting his country with a friend when her abusive father was dying and she got suicidal. He and his family took her in after she ran out of money.

My initial post was just to ask others how they would feel in my shoes. No on has responded to that.

[Wakeup]

No he didnt. Contact wasnt allowed...

On whose authority? [quote] although he tried. How did he try? Besides birthday cards that were supposedly destroyed?

I remember receiving a few birthday cards but then she started destroying them.

How do you know she destroyed them? Did she tell you that or are you surmising?

I finally called him when I was 19. He got a flight and was here to meet me 48 hours later.

Really, he got a flight back to where you were when he was deported? He got a passport to travel back?

My mother had him deported on grounds of abuse.

Well you can't just do that without proof. How many times was he arrested for such a thing before they gave him the boot?

She never really loved him and he got very depressed after coming here and not able to find a job. She was visiting his country with a friend when her abusive father was dying and she got suicidal. He and his family took her in after she ran out of money.

Well, if he was abusive... all those things don't make him a saint but in your issues of abandonment, it's likely that you have put him up on a pedestal because you want him to be who you have fantasized him to be. Have you had any therapy for him leaving (or even being made to leave if that is indeed what happened)? It would help you if you were open enough to accept things.

My initial post was just to ask others how they would feel in my shoes. No on has responded to that.

What difference does it make how we would feel? This is about what has happened to you. As I said, getting validation from strangers won't do anything to help you past the ingrained resentment you have for your issued mother.

[lovemuffin]

[QUOTE=Wakeup;829142]On whose authority? [quote] although he tried. How did he try? Besides birthday cards that were supposedly destroyed?
How do you know she destroyed them? Did she tell you that or are you surmising? She told me.

Really, he got a flight back to where you were when he was deported? He got a passport to travel back? I dont know how he made the travel arrangements. I know he still had a friend here from when he used to live here... thats where he stayed while he visited.

Well you can't just do that without proof. How many times was he arrested for such a thing before they gave him the boot?
I dont know how many times. She had the option of him staying in the states and paying child support and seeing us.. or deportation. She chose deportation.

Well, if he was abusive... all those things don't make him a saint but in your issues of abandonment, it's likely that you have put him up on a pedestal because you want him to be who you have fantasized him to be. Have you had any therapy for him leaving (or even being made to leave if that is indeed what happened)? It would help you if you were open enough to accept things. I never said he was a saint. Im not that naieve. Lucky for me they were probably both screwed up. I dont know much about him actually and I havent stayed in touch with him. It was too awkward trying to incorporate him into my life after I met him. He could be dead now for all I know.

What difference does it make how we would feel? This is about what has happened to you. As I said, getting validation from strangers won't do anything to help you past the ingrained resentment you have for your issued mother. I am looking for a reality check... like how would others feel/react. Jesus, is that too much to ask? I thought this forum was about trying to help people. If I said I had a fight with a friend and asdked advice on how to handle it or how others would feel about it I bet I would get responses. I dont know why this is so different.

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[searock]

Actually, many people have told you how they would feel: not particularly hurt, angry or upset. This means nothing of course, because it largely depends on the context. Which is why they are offering other, relevant, advice.

[lovemuffin]

I only saw one person indicate how they would feel. Keep in mind this is new information to me and to learn my mother has been feeling it about me since I was teenager. She has felt competitive with me since then and looking back now I do see times it was evident including I think she maybe had an affair with one of my boyfriends... the guy I thought I would marry someday. And I disagree with Indie that I should have just said "awwww mom come on youre great...." I think it is TOTALLY inappropriate to feel let alone tell your daughter something like she has and not my job nor place to have to try to reassure my mother particularly after just telling me she has been jealous of me my entire life. That is just compltely screwed up IMO. She should be talking to another adult or a shrink.. not taking her inability to have healthy relationships out on me. A friend of mine said she thought i was a horrible thing to say, woudl never say it to her daughter even if she felt that way, and as if I'm not supposed to be happy and have good happy relationships with men (ie, make me feel guilty).

[searock]

You're right, I also think she shouldn't have said it. But as I said, you need to look at the general context. I also think you should get therapy to help you understand your relationship with your parents.