3 years down the drain?

[smackie9]

true story: about 20 years in Whiterock, BC a guy mudered his wife....his reason? She nagged at him to a point he went insane and killed her. They gave him 5 years, but only served something like 18 months of his sentnce lol.

[Boisdevie]

Sorry, cheeks, I'm really trying not to be rude, but she IS NOT asking YOU, or any other females on this forum.

Dont worry about being rude to cheekxs. She's so stupid she wouldn't even notice a well written insult, especially it if used longer words than 'fook' and 'faggot'.

[helppleasee]

Thank you guys, you have really helped ALOT. I have never thought of the fact that maybe i bring too many things up too often, and that is prob why he gets angry because
he feels like im nit-picking. I will stop that asap, i do no men hate that. Because i dont want to lose him. I am 23 and he is my first long term boyfriend, so i think i just let myself
get to comfortable with expressing my emotions to him. I started this because a while back he told me that he wished i would open up to him more, talk to him more, and show
more emotion towards him. Looking back i kind of regret becoming completely comfortable with him emotion wise, because as being a woman, or at least the woman that i am i
want to be able to talk about anything. So i just need to learn how to keep things to myself. Do you think its possible for him to become the boyfriend to me that he was if i
change how i act?

[searock]

Well, in a healthy relationship, both partners should feel completely comfortable with each other, emotion-wise. I don't think it's a bad thing that you feel that way with him. Just try to distinguish between being open about your own emotions (which he explicitly asked you to do), and assuming that he will be equally as open. Unfortunately, as was said, many guys are brought up in the belief that showing emotions is a sign of weakness, so it's more difficult for them to open up. Being aggressive and "nagging" will only make them hide behind their defenses even more, because they will feel like someone is trying to disarm them and make them vulnerable.

You have to behave as you would with a stray kitten... show that you are available for cuddling it, but don't chase it or get too close, or it will run away: it has to come to you, and it will, when it feels safe. In human terms: be emotionally open to him, but don't expect that he automatically does the same and nag him when he doesn't. Show him that you are willing to listen to him whenever he feels like talking, but don't ask him the same question more than once and don't show that you are worried or anxious when he says he's "fine", even if he clearly isn't. He'll talk when he feels like it, because he knows you'll be there. This is how you make him feel "safe".

If he is *always* (from your point of view) cold and detached no matter how you behave, then either there are underlying issues, or you two are just incompatible.

[IndiReloaded]

Sorry this is all BS and your own insecurities showing through. This exactly the reason why this is an "ask a male" thread and therefore you should not post here. You understand literally nothing of male psychology, you're imposing the female on the male and this brings you to all those BS passive-aggressive, "vindictive" and insecure pieces of "advice".

Never, ever, ever, pressure a man to talk about his feelings. He WILL when he feels safe around you. And sorry, it IS your task to make him feel that way. If you dont think so, yes, break up and move on, and never enter a heterosexual relationship with a heterosexual male.

From your description it looks like he can seldom feel comfortable and safe around you, the reason he turns arguments around is most likely cause he is feeling constantly aggressed, taken to task, and expected to meet some nebulous requirements that probably have never been clearly stated at the outset.

LOL, I'm not what anyone would call insecure. But the fact you would take my response this way certainly says you are. You are such a whinger about male vs. female threads. Our sex is listed in our profile, the gal can work it out.

Anyway, OP, I'm female but I'm much more intelligent than Sixpacj.

[IndiReloaded]

That's not the only possible resolution. If he's tired and cranky, letting him go home for some rest is actually a perfectly reasonable solution. And if he doesn't like a guest, he should be allowed to leave instead of getting forced into some kind of confrontation.

I agree. But this:

Half way to his car he turns around and says to me, "I just want to fu*%ing leave" I was in shock.

isn't very nice. Plus you are ignoring the other red flags she mentioned.

[IndiReloaded]

He feels like im nit-picking. I will stop that asap,

I am 23 and he is my first long term boyfriend, so i think i just let myself get to comfortable with expressing my emotions to him.

Yes, you should stop the nitpicking. But that's very different from not being able to express yourself. Beware if you still feel he is ignoring your emotional needs and you feel like you need to change yourself to be with him. Its *okay* to express your emotions to him. Healthy people--male and female--do this. You need to really pay attention to that stuff about him not apologizing and turning things around on you. He's your first BF. It may very well be him with the major issue, and not you.

Good luck.

[smackie9]

Men and women's brains work very differently. Women are all about emotion and detail. How we see everything, think about things is done with our emotions. We think and analyze every little detail and our brains fire off in many directions. It's in our genes to see details because in prehistoric times we were the gathers, while men hunted. We are mulit-taskers....work, cook, clean, raise babies, etc.. With men they think about things more simple like, it's just the here and now, eat, sleep, sex, play. They don't ponder on details or emotions because it's a waste of their energy. They are what they are....so don't push for him to "express his feels so much"..... it's like trying to turn an apple into an orange. If you have a need to express yourself, and talk about emotions...that's what GF's are for.


Act like a women, think like a man.

[vashti]

Sorry, cheeks, I'm really trying not to be rude, but she IS NOT asking YOU, or any other females on this forum.

Neoseminole? Is that you?

[ghenkis]

Reading between the lines I do wonder if the OP has been constantly pressuring the guy to talk about what the problem is. If this is the case, listen honey, men talk when they are good and ready. And pressure him to talk and he'll probably get pissed off and tell you to **** off.

Nicely said. My ex girlfriend never gave me space and that contributed to the BU. Give him some space and you'll get your answers.

[helppleasee]

Haha. So guys i have an update for you all. I went to his house last night because he called and said he missed me, and had told me i hadn't heard from him since our fight
because he has been really tired from work. He then tells me that he went to a bar with three of his buddies. He then goes on to tell me that there was this girl there that used to go into his old work all the time. Long story short he ends up telling me that she asked for his number and he gave her a fake number, but was like "oh if she did get my number some how and ends up contacting me she probably got it from one of my friends." Then i asked if he got her number and he says yea but i never saved it. And i asked him, well did you tell her that you had a girlfriend and he was all, "well no because i was comforting her because she was almost in tears talking about how her and her boyfriend
of eight years just broke up." This was the summary of what he had told me, but his whole story about his night out didn't add up at all. I know he didn't cheat but its like
why does he have no problem talking to a random girl about her issues and comforting her when he cant even talk with me about our issues. Then he starts getting all mad
at me and trying to flip it around even though he had no way of doing it. MY boyfriend has MAJOR issues. What in the world am i going to do, im not ready to break up with him
because he didn't cheat on me but its still crazy. I spoke with his roommate about everything and she told me he has been like this is whole life with all of his girlfriends, and
i think he is just scared to let his gard down with you because he has had his heart broken twice in the past because with both of the girls he thought he was going to spend
the rest of his life with them. I'm thinking okay, well its been two years how much more time does he need. I asked him last night if he still wanted to be with me and he told
me yes i love you, i have never loved anyone more. I am just SO confused! His roommate knows alot about our relationship almost everything, from his point of view and mine,
so i asked her how i can change or act to make things better and she told me that i don't ask much from him at all, he is the one who needs to change if he wants to keep you.

[IndiReloaded]

she told me that i don't ask much from him at all, he is the one who needs to change if he wants to keep you.

Well there you go. Except, people don't change. He is who he is. All you need to decide is whether he gives you enough of what you need/want to stay together and be happy. If the answer is yes, carry on. If not, then move on. You will only be doing both of you injury if you stay expecting him to change.

Don't be one of those women who thinks that the power of your love will cause him to change. That never works (there are entire threads here about why). Stunningly beautiful women, incredibly accomplished and intelligent women, simple down-to-earth women... all who have tried this have failed. Its simply the wrong way to go about relationships. You have to treat relationships as WYSIWYG (what you see is what you get). If you don't like who someone is early on in a relationship, you aren't going to like them more later. Hope this makes sense.

[smackie9]

If you are living a repeat of what his past relationships were like, then there is no way you will see a change in him. The roommate's words are the big red flag, a huge warning. If you want a better BF, go out and find one and stop wasting your time with this chump.