Maybe burning bridges with parents... help please

[TheTooya]

Hello,

I am in a happy relationship with someone I care about deeply. Admittedly we have only been together for 5 months, but I believe we will work.

My girlfriend flew over to Japan, and met my parents for a week. Due to several unfortunate situations (my girlfriend getting sick for half the week, and my girlfriend talking back to my parents at dinner), my parents don't like her, and have made it very apparent how they feel.


My parents not liking my girlfriend is not the end of the world... but, my mom called me shortly, got my 5 year old sister on the line, and I proceeded to hear my sister say that my girlfriend had kicked a puppy hard twice. I asked my sister if my mom was making her say this, and she handed the phone to my mom.

Honestly, I believe my mom told my sister to say this. I'm 24, I make a very comfortable living... is it bad if I am considering burning bridges with my family over this?

[HeartIsAching]

Depends. How likely is it that your mother would lie to you about it?

My mother did several very ****ed up things to me, and I eventually figured out that she's just toxic, and that it was better to cut ties. I did and have never regretted it.

[cheekxs]

One thing:
Mom is mom.no one can replace her.And why did she talk back?

Cause I dont think she have to sit and let them talk smack to her anyway. And you dont know
Her so well and. Long. The feelings you have is normal when u r inlove in the begining
u believe that the person is even your soulmate and stuff till those feelings are over. Your
mom may be a difficult one. But I dont know your whole story.so I cant really advice. But I will say dont go jum
In fire for someone you dont know that well. Even if your mom may be wrong sometimes.
Cause you r in the periode to get to know her. So you dont even know she worth it. And you are a adult so
You can still make your partner choice. But I hope she is not a trouble maker. And maybe
you took her to your parents home to soon. And if you will marry her one day know that
this is already a bad start .and you may be more often between those 2.

[TheTooya]

I have seen mom manipulate my younger sister, and tell her to regurgitate things. I even remember my childhood, being told to regurgitate whatever my mom told me to...

So.. its very likely my mom would lie to me about it. She has been non stop attacking me about my girlfriend being too low class for me to be with.

[TheTooya]

Ok... so here are the main points I have gathered as to why I should cut ties with my parents.

* Contacted one of my friends/coworkers, explaining her side of the story, and emailed me her edited copy of their conversation
* Made a poll on Facebook, publically asking if it is acceptable for a significant other to talk back or argue with parents. And of course, other parents replied back with that thoughts.
* Told me my girlfriend and friends low class, that I should not mingle with, for they are beneath me
* (I believe) told my sister to tell me my girlfriend kicked her dog

...

The only Con I can think of is I believe I am going to go through a little emotional hardship after I get this out in the open.

[vashti]

You know your mother. Is she normally a good, reasonable person? If so, then you should take her warning seriously. If she is a bit "off", then disregard (respectfully).

For the record, I am horrified that your G/F would talk back to your parents. It *IS* outrageous behavior, unless they were openly attacking her.

[cheekxs]

This is not okay tho. This is sad.

Its sad that parents especially a mother would act like this toward her kids.
Like tell you guys to lie? and lie and do nasty stuff so they can win the trouble?

I thought a mom suposed to be the wise lady of the family, that keep remeber her kids of the good morals when they want to do bad.

I dont know i think a person like that that make kids is a sick person and needs help.
And still not grow up!
I think telling your kid to lie about this and that is abuse also.

Cause when that kid grow up it will have a lot of troubles making friends and in relationships.
cause it can easily be a annoying person to others if it lie and keep lying about everything to get friends or survive things.

[TheTooya]

You know your mother. Is she normally a good, reasonable person? If so, then you should take her warning seriously. If she is a bit "off", then disregard (respectfully).

For the record, I am horrified that your G/F would talk back to your parents. It *IS* outrageous behavior, unless they were openly attacking her.

No... she normally is not a reasonable person.
My mother has always had issues with who ever I have dated... Heres a previous thread from a short while back (different girl): http://www.loveforum.net/threads/43000-How-to-fix-this-problem...

The talking back situation includes this:

We were at the dinner table, and my mom had abruptly mentioned that the typhoon might delay our flight back to the US. My girlfriend and I both got concerned looks on our faces... she had school the next day, and I had limited vacation hours that I can use. Without any prompt at all, my stepdad starts raising his voice at us, telling us to quit looking upset, and we can't control nature, get over it, and storms off screaming 'God Damn!'. My mom turns to my girlfriend, and says "Why are you looking upset, a delayed flight isn't that big of a deal.", to which she replies: "I'm sorry, I'm upset because I just got yelled at by your husband."

My Stepdad walks back into the conversation, and says: "That was hardly yelling! You will know when I am yelling!". She promptly replied saying: "I'm sorry, I meant to say I was getting upset because we were both getting chastized". My stepdad stormed off, and we went back home (to my parents place)

Honestly, yes, I know what my girlfriend said was of poor taste, and she realized it afterward. She apologized that night, and was extremely polite for the rest of the week.

To synopsize how my mom's sentiment:

She was a very nice girl, but she was disrespectful at that one dinner. YOU have to choose between her, or the rest of your family.


---
I am very, very tired of all this drama, I'm just curious if cutting ties is a bad idea.

[TheCafeTerrace]

No offence, but your mum sounds like a tool. Tell her she was being a nasty and manipulative little cunt, but if she wants to appologise and stay part of your life then she can. Otherwise she can go **** herself.

[cheekxs]

Okay so thats why i said i dont know you guys so i cant give really a advice. cause im shore you know those persons better then us
and the history.

So , and if your stepdad did like that i think your gf did the right thing and dont have to appolize to them.

They need to do that to her.

And i think you are a adult so you bring your girl to meet your parents, that's is nice.
But if they like it or not if they are right or wrong that she is good or bad, you are
a adult so you make your own choices.

And i cant understand how one first meeting can be like that. it supposed to be a nice experience.
And first impression. But anyway now you know those 2 don't match.

[cheekxs]

No offence, but your mum sounds like a tool. Tell her she was being a nasty and manipulative little cunt, but if she wants to appologise and stay part of your life then she can. Otherwise she can go **** herself.

wowwwwwwwwwww, cool down

[TheCafeTerrace]

His mum made a five year old girl lie about his girlfriend kicking a puppy - this is a perfectly proportional response. She's also a snob who engages in emotional blackmail with her son ("it's us or the girlfriend"). The woman needs to be put in her place and understand there will be consequences for acting like a bitch to her son, otherwise she'll think she can get away with it every time.

[Cerby]

Separation is the appropriate action here. Keep them apart from each other, do not bring your gf to family events, and do not invite your mom over to visit while she is with you.

My brother has been doing it for 5 years successfully, you can too. Your mom has no right to determine who you date, but she also isn't obligated to like her either.

[HeartIsAching]

That was hardly "talking back" and it was hardly "disrespectful". In fact, it was honest, open and clear interpersonal communications and your girlfriend is SPOT-THE-****-ON. Kudos to her. Encourage her to continue this.

Honestly, if you were reared in such an environment, you've almost certainly got some deep-seated behaviors in that area as well. I'd suggest that you seek some counseling if you want to foster a healthy relationship with this young lady... and I suggest that you should, as she sounds very healthy and honest in her interpersonal dealings.

[IndiReloaded]

No offence, but your mum sounds like a tool. Tell her she was being a nasty and manipulative little cunt, but if she wants to appologise and stay part of your life then she can. Otherwise she can go **** herself.

I agree with Cafe in spirit, if not in practice. Sounds like his mom could use some xanex (or whatever). I feel bad for that little girl and the husband. Yikes.

Tooya, don't cut ties or do anything extreme. If only for the sake of your little sister (who needs your stability) and your father. Your mom sounds like someone who thrives on drama. Perhaps she's mentally ill. But realize that when someone acts like this *its not about you*. Or your GF.

When she acts like this, just tell her calmly that she's being disrespectful to *you* and that you will speak to her when she is calm again. Then hang up. Its all about boundaries and respecting yourself. I've been there, I know exactly what you are going through. Your mom will be shocked at first, then she will cajole and then she will get angry that she can't get a rise out of you. When she starts calling you names like 'cold' 'snob' 'reasonable' (sarcastically), just agree with her ("yes, I am") and say what I said above. Shortly after that is the crisis: she will either start treating you more respectfully or she will avoid you, but either way, she will stop treating you like this.

Then you can start working on helping your sister. She's going to need it.