Completely lost!!!!

[TheLoneWolf]

OK so 14weeks ago today my bags were packed for me and I was shown the door!! We had a massive fight the night before were alot of alcohol was consumed and things got nasty, things were not all that bad however its not the first time things turned sour. We have probably had 3-4 violent arguments but it has always been when alcohol has been taken and in maybe large amounts!! Generally that is not the case and we got on fantastically well when we were merry and always made love and conforted one another. The real problem is that we have a 1yr old son, not a problem in that at all but when my girlfriend/ex was 6months pregnant I left her and moved in with another woman!! I know that this all seems crazy but it gets better, when I met the mother of my son I was a family man with 2 beautiful daughters and engaged to a lovely woman, things between me and my fiance had run its course, we had been together for 7years and there was just no spark there anymore so when I met the mother of my son something happened inside me and I felt I just wanted to be with her. Are we all up to speed here???

So my fiance and 2 daughters moved to a new house and I was confused, my family had left me yet this girl was there for me and really wanted me, she is 8 years older than me and there was this real sense of attraction, I was 25 and she was 33!! Things were not easy because I couldnt committ to her with the guilt over ME effectively leaving my family, not the other way around. Time passed and then my new girlfriend announced that she was pregnant and I nearly sh*t myself, how can I be a father to this child if I cant be a father to my daughters, so after months of feeling depressed and guilty when the oppurtunity arose to get away from it all I took it, I decided it wouldnt be fair to father 1 and not the other.

My girlfriend was devastated naturally however little did she know that with this other girl I didnt shut up about her, I couldnt sleep took 5weeks off work with depression and lost my job. I had only split up with her for 2months when I left that girl and moved into a B&B. My son wasnt born yet and she came to my aid, seen that I was in a terrible state and took me back. When we got on our feet again and her family forgave me it was long before things were being cast up after a few drinks and how I was the worst in the world!! Dont get me wrong I am very much aware of my actions and I am in no way proud of what I have done here.

So thats why we split up, a big fight happened after a night out and now we are 14weeks down the line!!

The thing is, I Really Do Love Her and she wont give me anything at all, I live a mile from her and have seen her quite regularly this past week but its only ever when shes looking something done around the house, I plastered the kitchen over the weekend, paved out the front the weeks before and other silly things. I have however sent cards letters flowers perfume and written poems, ive foned and texted a million times and lord knows Iv bloody cried my heart out. She seems to just not care at all anymore, the house is having everything done to it, new kitchen, bathroom, completely redecorated and I really dont know what to do anymore.

Granted Im no saint but I know that I have tried so hard to look good in her eyes and tried my best to show her that I love her, but am I grovelling too much, begging too much???

When Im around her I cant help but plead with her instead of being cool, respecting her and showing restraint, has too much time passed and im just wasting my energies. Surely if she wanted to spend anytime with me she would have made some effort by now!!!

Somebody please tell me what on earth to do here?????

[TheLoneWolf]

Ok time to walk away I feel, Im getting absolutely nowhere at all here, Im so reluctant to give up but to be honest I cant bleeding take anymore of the short sharp responses, the non replying of texts or answering of calls. Yes ive been fairly persistent but my intentions have only been good!!

I must admit I feel lost without them, convince myself that if she sees how hurt im feeling shell take me back for sure, then I try to be positive and play it down only to feel shitty the next day or 2 later!! Pathetic!!

Im meant to be the Father of this family yet Ive been cast aside as I watch from a distance how well things are seeming to go without me there. Her friends and family have filled my roles of support and to be honest im more hurt that she when sitting at the weekend only a mile away has no inclinations to spend anytime with me at all, unless theres something that I can do for her.

Called earlier to see my son only for 30minutes and it was a whole halla baloo!! He was sobbing as I was leaving yet she was quick to point out that hes like that with everybody and dont feel anything from it. Does it just come naturally to her to speak without thinking or does she really not give a damn, im so confused!!

Everytime I would phone and if (more often than not is the norm these days) she wouldnt answer I would leave a voicemail, all of which she listens to for when days go by she refers to things that Ive mentioned, however twice now today Ive decided not to and what dya know I get a return call 20mins later after the first call and a text an hour after the 2nd call, such bloody silly games and my patience is wearing thin. I cant see this working out in my favour at all, I just want to raise my son and have a normal family life instead of feeling demented every day thinking of all the silly things we men think of, I cannot identify with who Ive become over this, Ive lost 2 jobs, feel very weak minded and just plained old embarrassed at the whole episode,

However that being said Im a fairly optimistic kind of guy, probably why im in denial that this situation can still be reversed and Ive secured a fulltime and a part time job to keep my mind focused. Id just be so happy to be at home in bed with my woman lying on my chest and getting up for work in the morning and kissing her and my son before heading out to work. Instead I live on my own with none of the family cheer going on around me. the bedtime routines and getting him ready and coming home from work to my family.

I hope to hell im over this for Christmas!!!!!

[TheLoneWolf]

Ok I now have to be the foremost expert on how to lose your partner if the incident which seperated you wasnt enough!!

when youre told no, thats when you take it on the chin and dont persevere, let them come back around to you when they are good and ready, I have completely blown myself out of all contention after 6 days of no contact only but for 2 msgs on saturday arrangeing a time to see my son on Sunday, when she brought my son down I didnt ask any questions about what shes been up to while she asked me plenty. We then shared a laugh when she came to collect him later on and that was fine. However I went and ruined all my good work today by calling to hers to get my driving liscence, all was going well, she had to nip out and I lookrd after my son at hers while she did, that was fine but I over stayed my welcome and was told,"any excuse just to linger" which I then proceeded to say "look we never get a chance to talk anymore and I love you" big big no no!! I was quickly ushered out the door and told " stop annoying me"

As it happens she called to my house to pick up a few boxes to clear the kitchen cupboards as the new kitchen goes in on Thursday, that was fine but little did she know I was sobbing like a fool before she called thinking how unfair all this was on me. Poor Me eh!!

When she was here I made the mistake of telling her that I didnt appreciate being treated in such a manner and her response was that I shouldnt tell that I love her anymore because we are single people and that she doesnt love me. Everybody around me has been telling me for nearly 4 months now just to back off and see what happens but I havent given her the chance, constant pleading and apologising is not attractive to anybody so DO NOT do what I have done here, you cannot force it upon someone.

So 3 phoecalls and voicemails later I sit here now thinking why the hell have I not just let her be. Im surely coming accross as weak desperate and needy, not good.

Dont be a fool like me and maybe things can change but you have to let the other person see for themselves!!

I on the other hand havent got a chance in hell, I cannot identify with myself over this at all. Time to call it a day, she knows fine rightly how I feel but must cringe every time my name comes up on her phone and what I would give for a little bit of something from her!!!

[TheLoneWolf]

So this where we are at now!!!

This fool of a man has been walked all over and treated so unfairly it has now come to the point where im starting to detest the woman that Im not even sure if I love at all!! Last week I received a text message asking could I put in a new fireplace for her and of course I again jump at the opportunity. So, thinking that she might be off work and me needing to go somewher but not having transport I asked if she was working today (on that day in question) as I was getting soaked and if she would do me a favour then id gladly help her too!! I got a reply stating that she was in work howeveer little did she know I was speaking to her mother who told me she was off because the kitchen was to be fitted and was starting the next day, that was last wednesday( the kitchen guys started this morning)!! So I decide to call to her house to verify this and of course she's laying on the sofa, when I came in it was a case of I told you to call later and our son has been up all night so Iv had no rest!!

Here, a little honesty would go a long way!! I made a point of saying that im here to help you so that you're not out of pocket and you treat me with no respect at all. I left and went about my business which I might add was a long bloody walk there and back however it would have taken no time at all in a car. She text saying sorry she was stressed and to call after but I should have told her to do 1 and put her in her place but I thought better of it. So the fireplace got sorted a new harth was built and I painted the ceiling. All she could say was you're so slow to which I thought go and bloody pay somebody then to do it you ungratefull b***h!!!! But no I was back again for the next few days even spending my saturday painting the livingroom and we got on so well, the only thing missing was a few hugs and kisses and things would have been normal. So me believing that we were finally getting somewhere when I was being dropped off by her later on that night I said, look we can do this, clearly we get on and things can be fine to which she replied, Im not with you and I dont want to be with you!!! Very cold indeed, I said, so you just want to use me and the response was that I enjoy being there do I not!! lol, Is this girl for real??

Im lost, I cant believe how we have ended up here, I just cannot for the life of me figure out who this person is. Im still trying to be me with her and yet she is somebody that I dont know at all. Im so confused and its completely bloody ruining my pride as a man!!!

[TheLoneWolf]

If anybody has had this experience and can empathise with what way im being treated here id much appreciate your input.