Lied to my boyfriend...

[missjay]

When my boyfriend and I first met we got on extremely well, and grew very close incredibly quickly over a matter of weeks. We learned all about each other's lives, likes and dislikes etc, and found that we had quite a lot in common. However, I told him lies about my experience with romantic/sexual relationships. Very shortly after we first met, I told him that I had a boyfriend that I was living with, and during a conversation a few months ago I mentioned having had a boyfriend a few years back who I'd lost my virginity to.

The truth is that I wasn't ever in a relationship or living with anyone when/before I first met him, and I'm still a virgin. To make matters worse, I've kept these lies up over the past few months, and I feel extremely guilty about it. We've spoken about sleeping together for the first time very soon, and I know that I need to tell him the truth, that I am actually a virgin and he has been the only one, but I'm pretty nervous and have no idea of how to go about it. I've not lied to him about ANY other aspect of my life, and I do realise how stupid and immature I've been in doing this.

I guess that, when we first met and began talking, I just wanted to make my life seem slightly more interesting than it was at that time, and I really regret it now. I know that what I did was wrong, and I have to confess all of this to him, but as I mentioned before, I'm embarrassed and a little scared about doing so.

I figure that the best thing to do would be to wait until I have a chance to speak with him about it face-to-face rather than online or over the phone, but I'm wondering whether I should write all of this down in a letter or something for him to read when we're together in person, or just come out with it all in conversation?

I like him a lot, and I care about him deeply; the more my feelings for him have grown over these past few months, the more guilty I've felt for lying to him, and again, I know that it was an incredibly dumb thing of me to do, but I'm desperate to try and put it all right now.

I'd appreciate your thoughts and any advice that you may be able to give me on this, as ridiculous as it is. Thank you.

[TheCafeTerrace]

Awww, I hate to sound condescending but that's adorable. You're right to tell him in person and I wouldn't read from a letter, just speak from the heart. I'm sure he'll understand why you did it, just explain to him exactly like you've just explained to us. I seriously doubt he'll hold it against you. He may even love the fact you're a virgin, a lot of guys do.

You're not ridiculous, and your lies weren't told out of malice or cruelty. Cut yourself a little slack.

[FairyInLove]

I agree with TheCafeTerrace. Just be honest with him and if it's really meant to be, everything will work out Good luck to you!

[MaidenMinx]

Often little fibs are told in the first few weeks of getting to know someone, and they usually take very little clearing up. Just tell him.

[missjay]

Awww, I hate to sound condescending but that's adorable. You're right to tell him in person and I wouldn't read from a letter, just speak from the heart. I'm sure he'll understand why you did it, just explain to him exactly like you've just explained to us. I seriously doubt he'll hold it against you. He may even love the fact you're a virgin, a lot of guys do.

You're not ridiculous, and your lies weren't told out of malice or cruelty. Cut yourself a little slack.

Absolutely not - like I said, I care about him very much and would never lie or do anything with the intention of hurting him at all. Admittedly, I've never mentioned anything unless it came up in conversation, and it hasn't done for some time now, but I still feel terrible for not telling the truth all that time ago and taking it slightly too far by saying I'd been living with someone at the time we met (and having to fake a "break-up" two weeks later). As I was saying, I think I just wanted to make my life seem slightly more interesting than it was at that time, just because I was embarrassed of my lack of experience and wanted to "impress" him, I suppose, which was completely ridiculous and immature.

These have been the only lies I've ever told him, though, which I know doesn't make it any better, but still. It's not as though I had claimed to be inexperienced and instead had slept around with a countless number of people, or something like that, which would have been worse I guess. Anyway, I shall be explaining all of this to him - in person - as soon as I possibly can, and hopefully he will understand. Just trying to work up the guts to actually do it now, which isn't easy.

Thank you for taking the time to respond.

[vashti]

If I were going to be lied to about anything, this would be the way I'd choose. I think you sound like a very sweet girl, and for the record, most males prefer to date girls without a lot of experience.

[HeartIsAching]

When they're young they do.

I agree with the other posters here - it wasn't like you were being malicious. Just tell him the truth and apologize to him for for it. You'll be fine.

[missjay]

Well, I'm in my early twenties, whilst he's a few years older and quite a bit more experienced, hence why I felt the need to lie about this when we first met. Although I knew it was completely wrong pretty much from the moment I began, I felt that I'd gone so far that in the end I couldn't stop, which was awful, and now I'm in this predicament. It was stupid of me to lie in the first place, let alone lie about something like this. Sigh.

Everyone's responses so far all have helped a great deal, though, I have to say. Thanks so much.

[smackie9]

Most guys would prefer an untouched flower like yourself. You should see the stupid threads started by guys that can't get their head around their girl friend having any kind of past.

[searock]

The guys who prefer virgins are most of the times insecure and naive, or simply virgins themselves. If I were a guy, I'd prefer dating a non-virgin: much less drama and expectations, and the extra experience can't hurt :-). My bf actually told me that he feels the same way - he was glad I wasn't a virgin, for those reasons (he had been with a virgin before). He wouldn't have hated it if I had been, though. That's the point: if a guy is into you, he just won't care whether you're a virgin or not.

A girl friend of mine is actually in your same situation: early twenties, more experienced boyfriend... she also told him she wasn't a virgin because she was ashamed of being one. There's nothing to be ashamed of, though. And it's kind of a silly thing to do anyway, since the truth will obviously come out sooner or later. So just tell him as soon as you can, I'm sure he won't mind at all!

[Boisdevie]

So just tell him as soon as you can, I'm sure he won't mind at all!

Unless you turn out to be rubbish in bed of course.

[searock]

LOL, well if he cares for her he won't mind "teaching" her a few tricks :-).

That's actually one of the reasons why it's so silly to lie about not being a virgin. Virgins are by definition inexperienced and thus, as a general rule, "worst" lovers than more experienced persons (some persons are bad lovers regardless, but being inexperienced surely doesn't help). If I were a virgin, I would want my partner to know that, before we have sex. Having him think that I'm simply bad in bed despite being experienced, would be a lot worse than him expecting me to be not-that-good because I am a virgin. I would rather he thought "she's quite awkward, but in a sweet way: she's just inexperienced because she's a virgin", rather than "wow, despite all the times she's had sex already, she's still rubbish in bed".

[missjay]

Searock and smackie9 - thanks for your replies. I know it was a terribly silly thing to do, and I can't believe I felt the need to do it (especially as I've told him the complete truth regarding absolutely everything else in my life), or that I've allowed him to continue believing it for all this time. I know full well that it shouldn't be/have been something to be ashamed of, which is why I feel so bad about lying. He is very caring and has a great deal of respect for me, so I'm hoping that he'll be able to understand why I've done this, and hopefully it won't end up destroying my relationship with him.

[searock]

I really don't think he'll break up with you over this, especially if he's been in other relationships (so he can put things into perspective). Just make sure you tell him as soon as you can (in person would be better), every day that goes by is one more day that you keep lying to him and eventually he'll find out the truth anyway, so it's not like you can never tell him or something. Best to get it out of the way :-).

[missjay]

I really don't think he'll break up with you over this, especially if he's been in other relationships (so he can put things into perspective). Just make sure you tell him as soon as you can (in person would be better), every day that goes by is one more day that you keep lying to him and eventually he'll find out the truth anyway, so it's not like you can never tell him or something. Best to get it out of the way :-).

As I said in my original post, I know that the best thing to do would be to talk with him about it in person (a text/phone conversation would only be misconstrued as me not wanting to "look him in the eye"), obviously before we do sleep together, as I really don't want to have to drag this out for any longer than I already have done. I couldn't bear the idea of still keeping all of this from him whilst/after having sex - that would only make things even worse, which I absolutely do not want. Thank you for your response.