long road ahead

[tkdan]

I made the mistake of repeatedly pushing my GF away. She put up with it for a very long time then she had enough. I wanted to reconnect with her but once I got back involved I realized I had been suppressing my emotions all along, and they all came rushing to the surface. Now we are trying to start over and date and such. Problem is she wants to take things slow and I'm want things to progress fast, fast, fast. On top of that I keep letting negative thoughts about it not working out seep into my mind and this has started conversations about it with us that creates more problems. I know she does want it to work but she is so worried about me slipping back into old patterns. I never want to go back there I was so miserable like that. I know this is going to take time but I am such a impatient person that I am having a difficult time with taking it slow. I need some encouragement to help me realize what's important is that this proceeds at the pace she is comfortable with and not the way I want it.

[tkdan]

I guess this plea for help was too late. I messed up tonight and I do not think it can be fixed. I've lost the one that I love so much.

[HeartIsAching]

I disagree. You lost the one that you thought you possessed. If you loved her, you would have respected her wishes and taken things slowly.

[Sunlight]

Dear TkDan, from what you have written it sounds like your actions are beyond your control, as if you are just witnessing your thoughts and actions. It is way too late to make things right with this woman, so if you want to do better in the future you need to get real with yourself and take responsibility for the way you think and behave.

If you can't influence your own actions, why should someone else trust you? You are not a helpless victim of some stranger in your head, and if you think that is the case, then do yourself and the world a favor and work on becoming a man and accepting control of your decisions before you become involved in a relationship again.

I'm not kidding. It can change your life for the better, but you should believe that it will mean that you must take yourself seriously and expect adult level honesty and dedication of yourself.

[tkdan]

I know I'm responsible for the situation. I'm not blaming anyone but myself. I pushed her away and I failed to do what it would've taken to make things work. Not looking for someone to feel sorry for me!

[tkdan]

Just had a lengthy conversation with her. Turns out I was overeacting about blowing it. She was already aggravated with her teens and I just picked a bad time to bring anything up. She opened up more about how she sees things and about how till resently things were going very well and we were connecting. I was relaxed and we were just enjoying each others company with no extra pressure. Then I got into this cycle of putting pressure and getting my feelings hurt when it made things worse, which made me stress and put more pressure, and I could not seem to break the cycle. I knew what I was doing was making things worse but did not know why I could not stop.

heartisaching - no disrespect but I never viewed her as a possession. We are both single parents of three, with our own places. I do love her, and I just let my emotions get the best of me, and could not figure out why I was pushing when I kept telling myself not too. She did help me to see how the pattern started and progressed from there. I really have no problem admitting that I have and will make mistakes, but I want to learn from them so that I can be the person she deserves, the person she has been to me all this time.

I came here to seek advice on how to fix my issues because I knew they were pushing her away.

[ghenkis]

TKDan,

That's awesome news to hear that it isn't over yet! If you look at my thread (Eternal Unrequited Love) you can pretty much deduce that you are blessed with the opportunity of having a second chance! If you truly love her then PLEASE accept the fact that your previous relationship with her is completely over. You understand the reasons behind your break up so with that knowledge you MUST now use it to become a better person, e.g. not pushing her away, being patient, etc.

Thus, in a sense, you are a "new" person and the relationship you share with her now is a new one as well. So, take things slow because you are a "new" person in her life and DO NOT cling on repairing the former, painful relationship. Start anew with showing her the non-pushing her away, patient, etc. "new" you!!!

If you love her then such changes should be nothing more but child's play. DO NOT become a lonely fool like myself!!! Especially since you have a chance!!! ...I didn't.

[tkdan]

Thanks ghenkis

I never thought of it as a completely new relationship, but she is treating it like that. That helps a lot. I guess I was looking at it from the perspective of the past relationship we shared, rather than realizing that failed, so this one can not be built on what failed, but only on a freash start.

[tkdan]

Things are going well. Last night she surprised me by asking me out on a date. We had a nice time and I kept the conversation light. It was nice to spend time together with no pressure, no expectations, just hanging out together. I did not push for intimacy of any type, other than giving her a neck and shoulder massage which she asked me to do. I just wanted her to feel comfortable with the situation.

[tkdan]

Things continue to improve with us. She has started to want me to be more involved in many of her activities lately. She has started to initiate more cuddling. I have been making sure I do not push the issue. We have also become more sexually active than we ever were before. It is like we cannot get enough of it lately. This does give me some weird feelings about things. Before sex was just sex for me, but now it seems to be more of an emotional connection to me. How does that work for you women? Is sex something that is more emotional or physical?

[helppleasee]

Well that is good that she has warmed up to you and time will only make things better as long as you continue proving to her you are not going to slip into the same patterns. The sex question, it honestly depends on the age of the woman and where they are at in their life helps them decide whether sex is emotional or just for self pleasure. If you guys are comfortable with each other and communicate well in your relationship then it wouldn't hurt to ask her what the sex means to her. Make sure she knows that it is an emotional
connection for you so she doesn't take your question the wrong way.

[cheekxs]

Out of your story :

I see that you are the one that hurt her. So she is the hurted one.

So she is the one that takes steps not to be hurt again.

But you are chill like always and have no worry's and is not hurted. so
all you want is for her to act like everything is nice and forget it all.

But you dont think about the consequences of your actions.
Start taking responsibility.

You cant hurt someone and act after that like everything is fun.
Or have to be.

Cause people stay hurt till they can deal and let go the pain.

And its not to you to make the choices when they have to do that.

You should be the one hat take it slow and respect everything she says
!cause you are the reason things are like that.

She is smart to take it slow. but she would be smarter if she would not get back with you.
cause you dont sound like someone that really want or will do better.
And getting back often ends in a mess again.

You sound like you do every bad thing you want t her. and she needs to take it forgive and keep giving you the same trust like a fool. life dont work like that. you need to give 100000% if you want things to be better.

[tkdan]

Well that is good that she has warmed up to you and time will only make things better as long as you continue proving to her you are not going to slip into the same patterns.

Helpplease - I do not plan on ever falling back into the same patterns. My heart was broken also when I realized I had destroyed the relationship by my actions. It was a harsh reality to deal with, and one I would not want to repeat.

cheekxs - you are really a stupid, stupid person! You know nothing about me or my situation. Do me and everyone a favor and keep you ignorant and bitter comments to yourself.

[tkdan]

Things have been going well, but we have been spending so much time together we have not been able to take care of our own responsibilities. We are both single parents and feel we need to focus on our children more than we have been. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday are extremely busy evenings for both of us getting homework done and getting the kids to bed on time. On Wednesdays neither of us have our kids, so we have decided to make this our evening to spend together. This way we have something to look forward to during the week. Then on the weekends we can do whatever we want together. We also talked about the sex issue and decided it has become too routine so we are going to back off and let it happen more spontaneous. So this is our plan for building a new relationship. Any thoughts?