Do ex-boyfriends come back looking to be friends?

[november]

having been broken up with by the same guy twice. I decided that no contact was the best way to go. 3 years later we are texting again, meeting up for coffee, and even dinner once (he paid and may have cancelled plans to meet with me). If he messages first, our conversations are long (sometimes hours). If I initiate the conversation it lasts for a little bit and then I am politely shown that he is busy and can't talk. What is going on? He hasn't dated in the past 3 years, focusing on his career and social life, or he simply hasn't found anyone suitable... I'm not sure. He brings up things that are important to me in conversation, things that I'm surprised that he remembers (my closest friends probably don't). So after 3 years (1 year of solid no contact) do guys just decide they miss the friendship?

[TheCafeTerrace]

Nope, he's still smitten with you... or wants a shag.

[haxan]

Sometimes when people are in limbo, or alone, or there personal life got turned upside down, they reach out to someone familiar from the past. It's like a wooby for an adult I guess. Like Cafe said, maybe some sex or companionship until they've righted their ship and then it usually fades back to no contact.

[smackie9]

Do ex-boyfriends come back looking to be friends?

Ya they do come back (unfortunately). in my case to rekindle the relationship....I say hell no!

[november]

haxan, thanks for the insight, I have a feeling you are right. I also wonder if people sometimes need to check up on people who they have hurt, to see if they are ok. That may also be it.

[haxan]

haxan, thanks for the insight, I have a feeling you are right. I also wonder if people sometimes need to check up on people who they have hurt, to see if they are ok. That may also be it.

My pleasure.

I've followed up with someone once. It wasn't 3 years apart though, I think about 8 or 9 months after the relationship ended. We hadn't spoken at all in that time, but there was a massive storm, very dangerous coming. I called her just to see if she was prepared, if she needed anything, if there was anything I could do to help her out. I didn't have romantic feelings anymore and was dating someone else. She was a sweet girl, kind of vulnerable and was really upset when I broke up with her. It just made me feel better to make sure she was ok.

[vashti]

She was a sweet girl, kind of vulnerable and was really upset when I broke up with her. It just made me feel better to make sure she was ok.

But do you think it made HER feel better?

[IndiReloaded]

But do you think it made HER feel better?

Great point. This makes me think of people who *need* to apologize for their mistakes in a failed relationship. Unless its welcomed by the recipient, its really just another act of selfishness.

Sorry Haxan, on this one I'm with Vash. There's a good chance she really didn't appreciate your contact. Check your navel on those motives.

[vashti]

Haxan - That jackass I am trying to get rid of does this to me regularly. The relationship isn't good for me, though I am very attached, so I cut him off, only to have him contact me again at a random moment when I am feeling weak. All it does is put me right back to where I started. I don't mean to sound unkind, but really, if you care about her at all, just leave her alone. It's not always about YOU feeling better. Think about her feelings.

[Maple1714]

I think it is a little patronizing/condescending to "check up" on someone you have hurt. I have done it before to my ex's and they never seemed to happy about it. We all hurt people and get hurt from time to time. Hopefully, its never intentional...and the best thing to do is to leave the person alone forever. This is why as we get older we must take every relationship seriously and when we make a break from someone make sure we are sure! It's hard though...when you care about the person, but you just don't want to spend the rest of your life with them...you still care and you want them to know they did mean something to you...just not what you might have meant to them. Haxan - you were just trying to be nice I am sure. But, it does drudge up hurt feelings sometimes b/c the other person wants/wanted you ALL the time.

[Maple1714]

Sorry, if my post is a little stream of consciousness....I am very tired today!

[IndiReloaded]

It was a good post, Maple.

[fuel2012]

he wants some acction and im not talking about fighting acction..

[haxan]

Haxan - That jackass I am trying to get rid of does this to me regularly. The relationship isn't good for me, though I am very attached, so I cut him off, only to have him contact me again at a random moment when I am feeling weak. All it does is put me right back to where I started. I don't mean to sound unkind, but really, if you care about her at all, just leave her alone. It's not always about YOU feeling better. Think about her feelings.

Well Vash, it was well over a decade ago. We've left each other alone

I get what you, Indigirl and Maple are saying, I agree. What her and I had 'wasn't' a long, deep love affair. We had a fun 4 months or so, she was a bit older than me (8 yrs). I was upfront and eventually said I was looking for someone to settle down with and have a family (after she had said that she didn't want children). She was upset, but obviously it was more for losing a fun friend to spend time with than the love of her life.

I feel for you, your ex is playing emotional games. For me, checking back was a case of not wanting someone who was a nice person to be caught off guard, because those storms come up fast and sometimes preparation is neglected (shutters, food, gas etc..). I didn't ask her any personal questions, just how she had been and if there was anything she needed or that I could do for her before the storm hit.

But do you think it made HER feel better?

I think it did. She emailed me after the storm (Cat 4 hurricane) and told me about the damage her townhouse received and thanked me for checking on her. That's the last time we ever communicated.

I have to say, and still remember to this day, she said the funniest thing when we broke up. She was kind of crying and I was being very nice, boosting her ego (she was super hot and could get any guy, so I don't know why she was crying over me), breaking up as kind and gentle as I could and she said in a kind of choked up, stuttery voice 'great, I guess I'll just sit around and talk to the cats all day'.

Ahhh, as Elvis would say, "Memories, pressed between the pages of my mind"

[november]

Vashti, Indi, Maple, You are right in feeling that checking up on an ex to make oneself feel better is selfish. I feel that Haxan was just trying to provide insight into motivation for reconnecting and not necessarily talking about the morality of doing so. So ex's come back to 1. check up because they care but aren't in love... 2. they come back to the comfort zone they know they once had and maybe still do and 3. for some "action". Now, are there any other reasons we are missing? does a guy ever realise after a long time that the girl was really the only one for him?

Also, what is to be done when the ex is coming back for the above reasons? Do you treat them like an old friend (even though you know that being friends is pretty much the most difficult thing he could ask of you?) Do you ignore? Do you meet up and catch up?

He reconnects, we go out for coffee, we talk for about 1 month and then again its back to him not talking to me for up to 10 days at a time. I do not understand the male brain or its motivations...