Having a hard time getting over the loss of a friendship

[Gabstack]

What kind of things do you do to move on from the loss of an extremely close friendship that ended badly? I think that I am doing okay, but I am not where I would like to be.

I had a falling out with a close female friend of mine about 2 months ago after a minor argument snowballed into a series of misunderstandings that led her to cut ties with me.

At the beginning, I tried to save the situation by apologizing and explaining my side, but she stood her ground and insisted it would be best if we don’t speak for awhile.

I respected her decision and didn’t initiate any contact until a week ago when I sent her a text to inform her about a send-off party I was organizing for one of our colleagues at work. I know odds of her coming were very slim since she was never close to this guy and she’s not particularly fond of parties, but some of her friends from my office were coming so I thought it would be appropriate to invite her. She replied with “ok, thanks.” I took it as a sign that she’s not coming and left it at that.

But on the day of the party, I kept thinking how it would be like if she actually showed up. i thought, if she did, I would try to talk to her and patch things up. Though I enjoyed myself at the party, I couldn’t help but be disappointed that she didn’t show up even though I knew it was next to impossible for her to come. The whole time I kept looking around for any sign of her… it was futile and hopeless but I couldn’t help myself. I kept hoping until every single person had gone home. It sounds cheesy, I know, but I couldn’t get over it. probably because at that moment, I knew that this was it. it really was over between us and it sucks.

It all sounds very melodramatic and to be honest, I don’t quite understand why I am so affected by this now when I seemed to be doing fine weeks ago. Even my friends are puzzled with me. I’ve been through harsh and painful break-ups with past girlfriends, and I’ve had friends from long ago whom I’ve drifted apart.

But none of that comes close to the hurt and confusion over the loss of my friendship with her.

I have lots of really great friends, I have a busy, full life that I love-I am just having trouble leaving this hurt behind and I don’t know why. Most of the time it is okay, but sometimes I feel crushed by the loss. Is this normal? I have been lucky in my life and have not really experienced other big losses other than the usual break-ups.

[TheCafeTerrace]

Tell her exactly that - send her a message saying you miss having her as a friend and you'd really like to make things right. What have you got to lose?

[Maple1714]

Yes, be honest and upfront. Also, forgive yourself. Forgive yourself for whatever you feel you did and then tell her you are truly sorry and would like to re-build a friendship with her. I am sure she will at least listen to you. If she doesn't want to patch up the friendship then she is either still hurt or wasn't really a good friend in the first place.

[Sovereign88]

Your feelings are extremely normal and in a lot of ways they are similiar to the grieving process that one experiences when a loved one passes away (GOD FORBID.)

1. Denial (inviting her to the party because you were not ready to accept her decision for space)
2. Confusion (Wondering why she chose such a drastic appraoch and wondering why she was unresponsive to your apology or attempt to amend the situation)
3. Anger (Not sure if you have been angry or not)
4. Acceptance (you have not reached this stage yet but with time you eventually will)

As I said before, humans are creatures of habit so when we don't hang around someone who is a routine part of our lives we will inevitably miss them...Stay positive, write down a list of things that you are grateful for and FOCUS ON THOSE THINGS. You can even (thank God) or be grateful that your former friend is in good health.

That way you will be taking control of your mindset and emotions...You said that you have a busy life, full of friends. Well, this is great! Find a hobby in place of the time that you used to spend with your former friend.

It sounds like this former friend is STRONG-WILLED and stubborn (I know this type because that's how I am, lol); if that's so then remember that IT IS BETTER TO BE RESPECTED THAN LIKED...Your friends must always respect your views even if they do not agree with them and vice versa. Don't fall into the trap of compromising yourself or people-pleasing.

Give your former friend the space that she asked for and follow the tips I suggested.

Hope this helps!