Break turned into break up...is there any hope for getting back together?

[lostheart]

Hi to everyone. I could really use some advice on my situation. We've been together for eight months and engaged. We're both in 30s. Month and 1/2 ago we broke up over some fight. For first week or so I tried to work it out. However, she was giving mixed signals. One day she would want to continue relationship but next day she would say she wants us to go our own ways. It seemed as if she enjoys in me chasing her but she would get serious and upset if I said that we should quit it once and for all if we cant work things out. Eventually, I gave up and went no contact. I broke it after week but with no success so I went quiet again. Week after she contacted me and ever since she's been initiating contact. It seemed that she is warming up and we even met. Everything was going fine but then she started backing off again. She would go silent for few days and then text me.

Last week I finally asked her where do we stand. At first she was saying that she is scared she will hurt me again but then continued that she loves me, she is mine etc. Then next four days she is in silence until yesterday. She texted saying that she wants to talk about us. It was again same story. She is confused, feels bad for me waiting, wants me to move on and live my life "for the moment" but she misses me, thinks about me all the time. Yet, she thinks I am better of alone, she is slowing me down and it is better if I start to live my life.

At this point I had enough of this hot and cold behaviour so I said that we should end it for real if we both are not willing to work on problems. I ended saying that this is my last message to her and I will not bother her anymore. In the past we had two breaks which lasted for couple of days. Both times she would come to me and ask for us to get back together only after I ignored her and made her think she lost me completely. So I decided I will not contact her nor reply on her attempts for initiating contact. I feel as if I tried everything else and this is the only option I have.

I am really confused and miss her. The break up came out of nowhere over some silly fight. She did something which hurt me and then I overreacted. I did apologise that same evening though. Just day before she was talking how she cant wait to be my wife and how happy she is with me. I love her and really dont think that engagement is something that should be thrown away just like that. I could really use to hear other people's opinions on whether this is really over? Is there chance for her to come back?

[TheCafeTerrace]

Sounds like she only wants you when she thinks she's lost you - bitches be crazy. She probably will come back if past form is anything to go by, and then leave again, then want you back... I'd ditch this one if I were you, it doesn't seem worth the aggravation. But as if you're going to let advice from some stranger on the internet determine your life like this - the heart wants what the heart wants, there's no reasoning with it.

[lostheart]

I am aware that going on this way does not make sense. Every time we broke up was at breaking points of relationship. It seems she gets scared away and then when she cools off, figures things out and realises she misses me, she comes back. However, it has never been like this in a way that it lasted so long and that she was playing this hot and cold game for so long. She is stubborn and sometimes insecure but this behaviour is so childish. Is backing off the only way to bring her back?

[TheCafeTerrace]

...when she cools off, figures things out and realises she misses me, she comes back.

Or, when she gets lonely and sad. Unfortunately some people can't recognise the difference between wanting to be with someone and not wanting to be alone.

... 'Childish' is the word.

To me it seems like you have three options:
1, try to woo her, actively try to romance her in order to get back together.
2, do nothing, carry on playing this weird game and see what happens.
3, break it off for good, tell her that this is the end and start dating other people.

[lostheart]

Or, when she gets lonely and sad. Unfortunately some people can't recognise the difference between wanting to be with someone and not wanting to be alone.

... 'Childish' is the word.

To me it seems like you have three options:
1, try to woo her, actively try to romance her in order to get back together.
2, do nothing, carry on playing this weird game and see what happens.
3, break it off for good, tell her that this is the end and start dating other people.

Romancing her would not help as I tried this immediately after break up. Also, she is a kind of person that does not want to be talked into something. Every time I tried to talk about getting back together with her she would say "dont try to convince me". I already said to her that this is the end for me. I really am ready to end it for good. In fact, the only way for me to get back together with her would be if she realises her mistakes and decides to enter into relationship seriously. I don't need big excuses or crawling. I just need her to convince me that she is ready to leave past behind us and continue with open heart. In one of our last conversations I told her that I want us to be together but only if we can be together on the right way. In the past whenever we broke up I knew deep down that it is temporary and that we will be together soon. This time I just have feeling that it is far more serious and that this might really be the end...

[HeartIsAching]

Sounds to me like you raised a red flag or two over your "silly fight". She's probably having trouble getting around that. She enjoys the ego boost she gets when you pursue her, but isn't sure she wants to be with you. Personally, I'd let her go.

I do have to ask one thing though - you say you were together 8 months and engaged? Really? You don't think that's a bit quick?

[lostheart]

Sounds to me like you raised a red flag or two over your "silly fight". She's probably having trouble getting around that. She enjoys the ego boost she gets when you pursue her, but isn't sure she wants to be with you. Personally, I'd let her go.

I do have to ask one thing though - you say you were together 8 months and engaged? Really? You don't think that's a bit quick?

The fight started over something that was not so important. However, our approach to issue is what heated things. She told me about something she plans to do and asked what do I think. So I said that I would feel hurt. Then she said that she does not have need to explain her actions to me at which point I released my brakes. There was no shouting or offending, most of it was through texts and it lasted for hour or two. I apologised that same evening for my actions and wanted to sort things out. Next day we talked a bit more about it but in polite way and agreed to leave it behind. We even agreed to go out that same evening. However, later that night I just received text "sorry we can't meet tonight". Next morning she told me that she thinks I would be better off without her hurting me.

As far as engagement is concerned, yes you might say it is a bit quick. But we are in 30s and both have one marriage behind so I guess we know what we are looking for in other person (at least I knew). From the moment we met everything was fast and we felt that this is it. There were so many similarities, we would finish each other's sentences, time together was great...She was the one who often said that she wants us to decide about marriage soon as she was affraid that her biological clock is ticking (she is a bit older than I am). Just day before she was talking how we are ment for each other and how she cant wait for us to get together. Even after break up she said few times (last time 5 days ago) that I am the love of her life and that she cant think of life without me. Yet, she does not want to get back together. It is just so strange.

[Boisdevie]

Women, like men can be batshit crazy sometimes. Do not expect people to be rational all the time. Doesn't happen. And for gods sake, if her biological clock is ticking that's no reason to pressure someone into marriage.

[lostheart]

Women, like men can be batshit crazy sometimes. Do not expect people to be rational all the time. Doesn't happen. And for gods sake, if her biological clock is ticking that's no reason to pressure someone into marriage.

I was not the one to pressure. She was affraid that she will not be able to give me children and it was one of her reasons why she thinks we're better apart. I was clear from beginning that it does not bother me at all

[Maple1714]

If she is fickle now how would a marriage work? You say you are/were engaged?

[lostheart]

If she is fickle now how would a marriage work? You say you are/were engaged?

We were engaged. I mean on our last meeting two weeks ago she still had engagement ring on her finger. I also thought whether this would be problem in marriage. That is why I would get back with her only if I could be sure that she wants to be inside for real this time. But, after everything she probably knows that in order for us to be together she would have to put all cards on the table and I somehow doubt this is likely to happen. Still, heart wants what heart wants...

[kimhotcake]

I think you definitely need to take some time away from each other. It's getting too crazy. Try just not contacting her for a week. You could even text her beforehand to say, "This relationship is too confusing. I need to take a week off." If she can't listen and honour your wishes, she is too self-involved and/or too crazy to get control of her shit, either of which is no way to start a marriage. After a week, if you really want to see her again, I suggest a serious conversation about where you're going. Try to figure out a way to ask her about the sticking points of your relationship. If you cannot have an honest conversation with her about what is going on, where you make some progress, then it's just not the right time to be getting married. Maybe she has some unresolved stuff. No judgement, but it's not the time to be adding the stress of a wedding.

The key point here is: she needs to figure out her OWN shit. There is nothing you can miraculously do to help her make up her mind. Just try setting a clear boundary and see how it goes. Good luck! This is not an easy situation at all!