when it just doesn't feel right? yet can't put my finger on why?

[theflowergirl]

I have been in a relationship for the past 4 1/2 years. I have a 5 year old daughter but it is not his child though she has been in his life since she was 1 so she calls him daddy as her real father has remarried and gave me 100% guardianship of our daughter.

We have had a rocky start to the relationship. Two years into it I found he was having an affair that had been going on for the whole two years on and off. We broke up and decided to retry the relationship with everything on the table and with more honesty from both of us (even though his was a lot worse than mine, during that two years I still found my self texting other men and occasionally meeting up for drinks, etc)

Its been a trialling almost 3 years from restarting the relationship. But we have tried but I still find my self just waiting for him to hurt me again even though he is doing everything right in terms of gaining my trust back.I still have that ounce of doubt when he says he is out for a drink with his friend if he really is or not, or I still wonder what friendships he has with work colleagues that he is hiding (he may not be but I still wonder these things) and my biggest fear is I lgive him all the trust back and then he starts an emotional relationship with someone and leaves me for them. I am not afraid of one night stand cheating, its the emotional cheating I fear.
He is ready and has been for a while to move back in together and get engaged but there is something holding me back. I dont know if I still love him the same way anymore. I still am very attracted to him and still care for him deeply but I always have this voice saying this isn't the right relationship! he annoys me sometimes with his personality and I found my self wondering how hard it would be to put up with that in the long term future.

I have tried to break up with him over 6 months ago but due to us both being quite recluses and introverts we both missed our company a lot and I would say it brought us back together. We have a great friendship and a lot in common and not having each other around was really hard as we were both used to how easy we got along and enjoyed the hobbies in our lives. We were apart for about 3 months though still talking every now and then.

I suppose I am scared to take the leap and end the relationship incase i regret it and lose him forever. that I throw away something that with more work could of been a long term sucessful relationship. Even though I would count my self as slightly attactive I actually find it really hard to meet men that become potential partners due to my work and obviously being a single mama and because of that I am scared of being alone. I argue with my self that I am just being too picky and my expectations are unrealistic what I want in a relationship and I can't be picky because I dont have much choice and that this relationshis isn't actually too bad and I should stick with it and work on it more but then the other half argues that I am just settling for seconds because I am not secure in my self enough to take the risk.

I have a great job that allows me to travel and meet wonderful people but out of all the men ive meet they just come and pass through or are always taken.

[cheekxs]

Well................. do i have to answer this topic first?

I dont think you are picky atoll ,cause you have the courage and time to cheat the same as him.

If someone tells me the start of a relationship was rocky i wonder why they did not break up then.
Would have bee more easy and less waste of time.

If you both are like that i dont see how this relation will succeed. Or have it ever been a success?
Cause some of the biggest things that a relationship needs is trust, communication, and attention.
They all need each other in order for both person to gro into each other.
If there is no trust, you cant built anything.

If you are the same person as him, i cant give you any advice. cause you both find it almost normal to cheat.
So what can i say. I cant think like "oh poor you".

But one thing i think is really important is your child.
Ask yourself what for example you are putting in front and around her?
Is this how you want her to deal with relationships?
Cause how you grow up have big influences how you will start leading your life when you grow up.

I think there is noting between you and this men! Noting real or that have to be save!
Its a mess after mess, after mess.
I think missing some one after a break up is normal its part of every break up and its no reason to get back together.
Depends on the intense or impact of the break up or relationship history people need a amount of time.
Some people only need 1 year, others 6 mounts to get over their ex.
It depends on how much time you as a person needs and how much you work on let go of it.

But if you keep jumping in middle of that process of breaking up,to be with him again, you will not get over it.
And if you stick up to it with time it will get less and less painful and soon you will not miss him that much and move on.

I think 4 1/2 year have been enough for you to see that it doesn't work!~
And i think you need to work on your self and on your morals. Cause whatever relationship you want, it can not be build
on cheating and text other men. Cheating and lying are 2 things that break trust! And trust is something almost impossible
to build back.
I think when you see things are going from mess to mess. its a great moment to break it all up.
And be single and go work on your self and take time thinking what you really want and want to be.
And what is healthy environment for your child. Cause when you have kids, its not about you and your hormones anymore.
iTS ABOUT what is healthy for the child!

Cause you cant keep bringing bad men , fight ,argue , trouble, different men, into your life . Cause your kid need to feel safe
and need a healthy environment.And its your job to take care of that!
If you dont do it no one else will.
And those men can harm your child. Maybe a minute when you are not watching.

So i think you need to realize your position as a MOTHER and SINGLE MOTHER ,and as a WOMAN!
Cause you are very vulnerable as a single mother.
And you may fall for every dude that tells you they like kids and have no problem that you have a kid.
And i think also you think that cause you have a kid you need to stay in that bad relationship for your kid.
While its damaging her more then if you break up.

And if you want to have a good relationship in your life i think you yourself need to be faithful and have good values.
And not being a cheater yourself. Cause then you cant say much to no one , cause you are ding the same.

I think if you write down what keep you going back with this dude and you scratch everything that have to do with lust and habit
you will shore have enough reason to leave him.
Cause i think its just lust what you have. and he became a habit for you. so noting that define a healthy real relationship.

And think about your daughter. instead of what men, how many text to send to them, etc.
Your time to run around is over since you had a child.
Now you need to focus on that, and if you want a men in your life, i think the best is to have LONG FRIENDSHIPS(no kissing,sex, just get to know), way before relationship.

Cause step -parents are for years not the best concepts for a child. and even tho its not the child that brought him in and asked for, its still the
chill that suffer if its a bad one!

[cheekxs]

Ps: How old are you?

[theflowergirl]

Thanks for you reply. Blunt but great. I really agree with what you said. Especially this part : think if you write down what keep you going back with this dude and you scratch everything that have to do with lust and habit
you will shore have enough reason to leave him.
Cause i think its just lust what you have. and he became a habit for you. so noting that define a healthy real relationship.


just a side note, i never actually cheated on him at any point. When I was still talking to other men (it was mainly an old friend who my boyfriend didn't want me talking to, I didn;t involve them with my child or anything in my life really) it was more of a way to distract my self and perhaps feel better as I knew at that time my boyfriend was cheating on me and i didn;t have enough proof. He actually had another girlfriend for the whole first two years of our relationship which in my eyes had he just been texting another person rather than what he did I would of handled it a lot better. Not saying what I did was right, I agree if I was doing that in all honestly for what ever reason I felt justified to do that, if I really truely felt that they were the one, regardless that there was a chance they were being deceitful behind my back, I wouldn't be doing it.

I do think about my daughter though. My daughter is my number 1 thing in my life and men have always come second in that department. She is my priority and this has caused fights in my relationship but for good reason. Sometimes I think I am maybe putting her first when I should be putting my self first , like sometimes when I think I should stay in this relationship because it gives her stability and I would hate to take her father away from her and put my feelings aside of leaving. My age is 27. I had her quite young.

[cheekxs]

v

We have had a rocky start to the relationship. Two years into it I found he was having an affair that had been going on for the whole two years on and off. We broke up and decided to retry the relationship with everything on the table and with more honesty from both of us (even though his was a lot worse than mine, during that two years I still found my self texting other men and occasionally meeting up for drinks, etc)

Yo i only react on what you said. so how is it different after my reply? i think that is blunt and not great!
But its up to you to be honest with others and yourself.

And many people says that their kid is all of that. but at the end its them enjoying the men.
Cause only thing the kid is getting out of it is arguing.
I think he may add more to your needs then to the needs of your kid.

And that is not a relationship. You are just where he stops to have a drink so he can move on with other girls.
And all that drama all the time, kids start feeling guilty and thinks they can better not tell you some things
cause you already have a hard time.
What good is that for your child and you?

And i just help you think further then your nose. lol (AND FOR FREE YO hhahah)! People pay $$$$$$$$$ to get this advice . lol hahahh