In love with a man who has a girlfriend

[misserin]

Hi everyone,

Id just like some advice on a (cliched) issue I have.

I met K at work and we both had similar senses of humour and got on extremely well, I considered him my best friend. My colleagues and I knew he had a girlfriend, but after almost two years of him working with us we had never met her and when questioned he said she was 'boring'. He would often stay late after work to avoid going home, staying up to 4 hours later than necessary (there is no overtime where I work, he would just tinker with his car or read news on-line). It even became a joke among the staff that his GF didn't exist.
Me and a few friends from work, including K, went out on my birthday and in a (very) drunken haze I kissed him. For me all would have been forgotten the next day had he not followed me back to my friends house and insisted on staying in the same bed. This happened a few times (not the kissing, just the following) until I eventually gave in as I thought his relationship must be on its way out anyway because of the way he acted. Im a long term BF type of girl, My shortest relationship is 2 years so I never wanted a 'fling'.
Since then it has been on and off for around 9 months. I stopped things a few times when I felt it was getting too much and when I had an occasional flash of reality and thought he is never going to leave her/guilty conscience. Unfortunately because we work and socialise together, and because you cant help who you love (and because of the love get blinded) we kept falling back together again.
Eventually I admitted that I loved him. He said he'd never told anyone he loved them before, amazing as he has been with current GF 5 years. Then a week or so later he admitted that he loved me too, but he was terrified if he left GF that after a week id finish it, or that after two years (when im due to move away, possibly abroad) that I will just leave him behind.
He confided in his mother who was impartial, but more recently he confided in a group of male friends who said that the GF deserves a chance (they all know her and are friends with her).
K himself has said that he is sick of upsetting everyone. That he doesn't know whether he should 'settle' with her or risk everything for me. He says he knows he would have an amazing time with me as I am a bit adventurous, but his whole life has been with her for so long he feels really tied in. The thing is im not really willing to wait for him to make up his mind anymore after its been a year since i first kissed him. At the same time I understand when you have been in a long term relationship its hard to make that step to get out of it.
This week things got too much and I told him if he was my best friend as he states he wouldnt of dragged me through this. I have cut off all contact and will try to summon the willpower not to get in touch with him.

My query is, am i doing the right thing? Will he just bury his head back in the sand when im not around? Should I have given him an ultimatum? Should I tell the GF?

Thanks and sorry if its a bit long winded.

PS. I know im a terrible person for getting involved at all.

[j-white]

You arent a terrible person for getting involved, sadly we cant control our feelings. He's firmly in the wrong here, wasting the life of somebody he doesnt respect and bad mouthing them to others, calling her boring and neglecting to spend time with her.
If you cut ties I feel he will move on shortly and eventually find himself another person to take your place.

I'd say that you would be doing both her and him a favour by telling her, but of course things are never that simple! Although it would be best for them I would never advise you to do that!! I'd say simply cutting ties with him is the best course of action for you.

[misserin]

Im beginning to turn into a lost cause.

Its been almost a week since I told K that I couldn't speak to him any more. I cut off all ties including facebook and since i am away with work until September there is no need for me to bump into him.
I deleted all of our text messages (we text each other almost all day everyday) and removed his number from my phone.
The evening I ended it I received a text from him shocked that I cant even be his friend on 'virtually', which I deleted. The next day I received a text off him saying he knows we aren't speaking but a guy at work had asked him to get in touch with me about a work related issue, which again I deleted and got in touch with the other guy. Nothing since then.

I ended it by saying he had led me on, and that he was never going to leave his girlfriend. If he loved me like he said he did he would talk to her that evening if he felt strongly about it. He said he couldnt leave her now as they have booked to go away in September for a wedding, but he wouldn't even guarantee that after that he would make some sort of decision.

However he has constantly said for me to not hang around for him, that he started things in the wrong way with me and he needs to be single so we can do things properly. That he wishes he had of done things right, as he would love to be in a relationship with me. This is another thing about whether he should settle/take the risk to be with me. I sometimes feel like hes messing with my head!

I guess the idea was to try and remove myself from his life, so he has to live with what he has chosen. So with his girlfriend.
Im trying to be strong but Im starting to wobble, he WAS my best friend before anything, and as im used to talking to him everyday and being able to tell him news I now feel as if a limb has been chopped off.

I could never tell his GF as im not that type of person, I feel it should come from him. But he is getting away with tearing me apart and his life hasnt changed at all...
Weve talked ourselves in circles about it and theres been lots of times when Ive thought he was going to sort things out. I really wish there was something to push him that dont involve me getting in touch with the GF.
Im now also wondering if he told the group of friends, as oppose to one friend who would be more discreet and helpful, as they are more likely to let slip to their girlfriends/wifes who also happen to be best friends with his GF.
Hes said he cant do it a few times (end it with her), but when ive angrily offered to do it for him hes always said ok!

Sigh

[Petit Papillon]

For your own sake, you have to find the power to forget him. He obviously is only leading you on. Besides, I don't see him as a good bf material, since he's simply a cheater, who likes to have his cake and eat it too. Be ready for hard times, but with every month it will get easier and easier. You have to realize, that he's not good and you deserve a normal, happy relationship.
Look at this from this side, if he was so unhappy in his relationship as he claimed, he could first end it and then looks for alternatives. What he is doing, is to prepare a sure landing, so he doesn't end up alone. And he should, cause neither you, nor his gf deserve a cheating douche like he is.
Remember, no drama is always better than drama. Maybe it's boring or whatever, but it's better than to feeling constant heartache and not being able to be sure about even the near future of your relationship. Once you find a guy who will give you the safe place, you will understand that it's so much better.

And of course, for the future. Don't get involved with guys in relationships, cause obviously, they have some issues

Good luck!

[misserin]

So I received a text off him yesterday which said that he hoped I had a great time on my holiday as he wouldn't get to see me before and some cutesy in joke we had about the animals I am going to see while away.

So I got annoyed/sad/happy when I received the text as it meant he was ignored my request for him not to contact me/I miss him/Im glad he is thinking of me.

Anyway I resisted responding, as I imagine he hoped I would do. So pat on the back for that.

However, it turns out I have to go into work tomorrow to finish off some work I forgot last week. Its a small place so its inevitable he will know im there, and I dont really want to have to sneak around or anything. My job is fairly physical so I will be going back and forward alot. Im really gutted as I hoped I wouldnt have to see him at all for a longer time.

Anyway, what do I do? Do i message (text/email) him beforehand saying that im going in and to kindly sty out of my way? Or do I go in and ignore him? Or talk to him as normal? Or do I tell him to stay out of my way when I see him there?

Ahhh romances at work, what a chore!

[TheCafeTerrace]

He sounds like a bit of a coward to me to be honest (I chose to use the milder c-word I was thinking of here). Ignore him until he grows the balls to put an end to his poor girlfriend's pathetic excuse of a relationship. I wouldn't text him saying you want to ignore him, that just contains too much irony as a concept.

[Petit Papillon]

You go and ignore him. You can do it, it's just one day

[Wakeup]

Your story is not unique... this is what happens to most women (or men for that matter that enable cheaters) who are "the other woman." Don't be foolish enough to be with a guy who will cheat with you because he will likely cheat on you as well if you ever happen to win him away from the woman he has invested 5 years of his life with. I suspect you are not the only sex partner that he's had on the side in the 5 years.

Next time, stay away from men that have significant others until they are free to be with you. That way, you'll not be fooling yourself by thinking that not answering his texts will make him miss you and leave her for you.

[Edwardnew]

Leave the man.

[cheekxs]

No men should talk like that about their gf. even if she is really boring.

that guy is no good. and you and him are very wrong .

if you want to do mess, break up and go on.
and dont waste your bf time.

[SunsetRainbow]

Ignore that guy. He's no good for you and you deserve so much better than being the other girl

[misserin]

So I did as I was told and ignored him when I had to go to work. He tried to talk to me a few times but being the angry person I am I took the 'completely ignore his presence' route.
He even stayed late (again...the overtime thing) and followed me out when I left for my car. When I didnt respond to his 'Bye..' He called my name a few times before I shut the car door and drove off.

I have also had to email him (work related stuff) and have kept my side VERY formal. His responses, after answering the work stuff, were:

Thanks for emailing me (email one)
I hope youre ok, I have missed you around (email two)
And when I kept up the formality and ignored his question.
Are we not to be friends? (last email)

So yea....Thought id let you know how its unravelling!

x

[misombra]

leave him alone. it's what's best for all of you.

[haxan]

I agree with Cafe, the guy's a wimp anyway. Go find a man who is in charge of his life. If he doesn't have the nuts to tell his g-friend the truth and make you his, then he's not worth losing any sleep over, that's for sure.

[VincenzoG91]

Also, don't date people at work anymore. It makes for really awkward break-ups, and it's unprofessional behavior that can cost you a job.