Destroyed.

[lastbutnotleast]

The last 2 1/2 years have been the worst of my life. I met a man and fell in love. I realized he was very controlling and when he was the least bit angry he was unbearably cruel in the things he would say. We are both divorced and to this day he talks about the hurt he feels that his ex-wife walked out on him...at times he admits he was to blame. But most of the time he insists she just wanted to see what else was out there and she "went to far" by leaving him and can't come back now. She has actually remarried and wants nothing to do with him. He was a flirt to the core. Always trying to find someone to replace me with but in the last 2 1/2 years although he and I have spent a good amount of that time apart he only seriously dated one other person for about a month. From the beginning he would nitpick about different aspects of my life...deal breakers he would call them.

*I didn't dress girly enough which made him flirt with other women so he could find someone who excited him. (I changed this eventually and started dressing more girly...he moved on to the next deal breaker.)
*I was too "needy" (I would ask him to tell me good morning...he insisted this was my way of trying to control his thoughts and make him think of me first thing in the morning and he just wasn't going to do it.0
*After I stopped asking him to contact me he rarely would...never a phone call unless he needed something and maybe 4 texts a day. He blamed his lack of contact on work yet talked to other friends (mainly female) all day every day.
*He would tell women that were interested in him that it wasn't working out with me...and when we broke up he would give them a chance. He would begin getting cold with me...not asking me out or inviting me over and then he would be downright cruel...telling me he didn't love me enough, didn't care for me, didn't want to be with me and that I needed to find another man. He would go out with these women usually....one date maybe...and then somehow he would contact me again and it would start all over.
*He said we were too far apart to make things really work and convinced me to move to his town 2 cities away into a home his brother rented out...only to break up with me for the first time a month later. I still live here.

At times he was sweet and kind and would tell me how much he loved me...in the back of my mind the horrible things he would say remained...I had a hard time believing him...so I would ask him why he would be so cruel at times. He would tell me that it was because I would make him angry and make him say things he didn't mean...but when he was angry would recant and insist that he just didn't love me that much and I needed to get that thru my head.

Everything was my fault. At times I would try to move on...I would go on dates and met a couple of great guys who actually fell for me. But he would learn of this and our insanity would start again...and I would catch Hell for my moving on.

I am 38. I grew up in an abusive home and then my first marriage was also abusive...for the first 25 years of my life I was abused. Over the last few months I have gone into therapy and have started taking medication, mostly at this man's urging...I have spent the last 2 1/2 years hurting and confused.

Last night was insane. He went into a cold spell and when he typically does this I quietly walk away...he gets over it within a few days or weeks and contacts me again...but last night I pushed it to it's limit. I refused to back down or walk away. I refused to leave. I knew it would go too far and I wanted it to...even if I ended up in jail. I stood there reminding him that a few days ago he was talking about us moving in together and saying he loved me...and that I wasn't walking away quietly this time. That he says these cruel things and I go....but he knows it will come back together. He said what he has said many times. "I just don't care much for you. Don't you get it? These last 2 days that we didn't talk I barely thought about you. You aren't the one and I'd rather be alone or find someone I can love because it's not you." It's like a broken record. I've heard it over and over for years.

But I stood there. I insisted he calm down and talk rationally instead of being verbally abusive. He threatened to call police. I told him to go ahead. And he did. I knew he would either break or dial 911. After the chaos I left calmly and I have no regrets about not walking away. I loved him...sometimes he loved me. Sometimes he hated me. I'll never know. But it's over and I can't stop crying. How did I get here?

[dem862]

That's not love. That's some kind of dependent personality issue. Also I would say love addiction with him as the qualifier. Also poor self-esteem.

[cheekxxs]

I think going to therapy after that kind of childhood is good and the best thing to do.

But you have o do some homework also. and not just go and sit there and talk and go home
keep making the same mistake.

I did not find it atractive to read the whole thing but from what i see, i think where you grow up in influence a lot in your life.
and you still not grown out of your home situation.

cause you still look for the same losers. when you heal and grow out of that part of your past your men choices will change for the best.

you need to stop dating for a real while and get busy with your terapist. like if its a good one it dont only talk but put you to work like,
ask you to write down your 5 good things you can do, and 5 that you need to work on. (so it can help you work on your selfesteem).

therapist give you a push and help you find the reason and how to look at things,etc. but the job to let go, be open to heal and let go
etc. is up to you.
read some books of other peoples life story and how they got out of it.

get busy to have a better life, stop hanging in there.

Those men are a piece of shit and often enjoy the hurt they are doing to you. and they for shore are like that cause
they did not have a good experience with females(often their mother) in their home while growing up. or there father was like that(bad) toward their mom also.

So they need help themselves. so you are the last person that need to date people with issues like you. they are grown up so are you.
and you all need to take care of your issues before even dating.
and take responsibility for your actions.
It may be hard some times if you go 100% to get something out of the therapy and get in action.
Like maybe if there is a moment that you feel like you have to confront or talk to your parents about the hurt
you have cause of what happen when you where a child. Buy after doing things that need to be done for your healing process
you feel much better and a relieve.

And be open to Jesus so he can help you forgive and forget in a healthy way also and for a better life.(and internal life).


* One more thing dont ever think men like that will change. or that you can change him. that will never happen.
only worse will happen.
and men that are abusive often seek for woman with low self esteem so they can intensely abuse them.

[cheekxxs]

When i hear divorced. i always think immediately : a person with a lot of problems and drama ! WATCH OUT!DANGER!

And many divorced people dont take time to heal and recover from the divorce, they are the first to get into the next relationship.............................:S:S:S

while they have to be the last ones doing that.

[IndiReloaded]

He said what he has said many times. "I just don't care much for you. Don't you get it? These last 2 days that we didn't talk I barely thought about you. You aren't the one and I'd rather be alone or find someone I can love because it's not you."

After the chaos I left calmly and I have no regrets about not walking away. I loved him...sometimes he loved me. Sometimes he hated me. I'll never know. But it's over and I can't stop crying. How did I get here?

Hey, welcome to the forum. Be aware there are quite a few trolls, esp when the forum is quiet (weekends especially). Dont let them put you off, there are some very mature, good posters here.

You seem to think you're doing something wrong. I'm going to give you a completely different POV:

You got here b/c your 'man picker' is broken. This is unfortunately 'normal' for ppl from abusive relationships, esp ones as long as yours. You don't know any different, at least emotionally.

BUT... you did finally walk from an abusive marriage. And now, you see the same issues and you are walking away again but much sooner this time! I think that takes guts and self-respect. So, kudos to you, dear. You are doing the right thing. Kick this idiot man to the curb, he sound like a real jerk. He doesn't deserve the awesomeness that is you. Keep up the good work.

As for what you may need to get yourself even more awesome, I'm going to bump this thread for a poster called HIA. He has a very different POV on your situation: he is that rarest of animals, an abusive man who actually cared enough to change (he admits this, is why he's here to help). He will have much better advice about what you need to do for yourself and he'll tell you why you can't hang around hoping your ex/BF, etc. will change.

Stick around. Post more if it helps.

- Indi

[lastbutnotleast]

Thank you to all. Indi I thank you for your kind words as well. I do feel I have done wrong. Because he has blamed me for everything. I want too much and then I don't want enough. In moments of happiness he admits he doesn't mean anything he says when he is angry but when he does get angry which can be for any small little thing, he is downright cruel. He calls me ugly. Tells me I'm crazy.

Before I met him I had recently divorced...I am educated and successful...not a great deal of savings however so it necessary to represent myself in the divorce case. When my ex husband suddenly wanted to change every agreement we had made when I agreed to leave him the home we owned we found it necessary to go to trial. I taught myself law, filed all of the proper documents and won. The original agreement stood. That alone showed me how strong I could be. I started a second home business. I lost 50 pounds. I reconnected with old friends, went on weekend trips for the first time in my life and I was so happy. Then I met this man and all came crashing down.

Who have I become? I sit here feeling so confused but why would I not? Last week we were talking and he told me he didn't love me...to get out of his life. He left the room and when he returned a minute later to find me standing to leave he said "You know I love you." I've been left thinking that if I act a certain way, do not concern myself with my needs or wants and just be around when he allows it things will progress and change...and typically they do. I'm just so lost. No self esteem. I know I deserve better...I just wanted him to BE better. Not going to happen. It hurts

[vashti]

I think it is very difficult to go from the sort of chaotic life you lived for 25 years to something more normal and healthy. In a way, I think you become numb to ordinary experiences, and require more stimulation in order to feel alive. So here, you find a man whom alternately loves you and loathes you, and even though you know it's not healthy, you DO feel alive. I'm not sure I would call this love, either, but the emotional ties to this sort of relationship are very strong. It's going to be rough to move on, but of course, you should (and you know it).

I don't think you should date anyone for a while. A guy worth keeping won't interest you much, and the one who does will probably be just like this one. Maybe you should give yourself a break before looking for another one?

[lastbutnotleast]

Thank you. I haven't contacted him at all and have no intention. Of course I have said that before. I do agree with the general consensus here. I am drawn to abusive relationships because that is all I know. I have tried to walk away from this relationship a dozen times...because I'm not an idiot...I do realize that he has issues (perhaps more than I do) and he has used me (which I allowed so can't fuss about it.)

I do get asked out on a regular basis by very nice guys with positive futures. I have chosen to stay in this Hell and have almost anchored my self worth on what he thinks about me.

He texted today. I'm sure he expected to hear from me and when he didn't he sent me the address of a home for rent in my hometown. I'm considering changing my cell # but it is difficult as it is tied to my businesses. I do realize this is and should be completely over. I just feel as though I have let him lead me for so long that now I'm a bumbling mess of lost.

I have no intention of dating for awhile. I do know I need to take time to heal..

[IndiReloaded]

Trust your inner voice. The *real* one, not the insecure one. You know what I mean. You'll be fine. Tell him to stop contacting you.

Post here if it helps. Vash's advice is very good. My experience is very much like your first marriage and I'm still escaping. You may be able to give *me* advice at some point.

[haxan]

I do get asked out on a regular basis by very nice guys with positive futures. I have chosen to stay in this Hell and have almost anchored my self worth on what he thinks about me.

Unfortunately you fit the profile for women in abusive relationships perfectly. They rarely if ever move on, some of them staying until getting physically battered beyond recognition before their family forces them to leave or they finally gather up the strength to do it themselves. There entire self worth is invested in what this man says to them and how he treats them. Not saying this guy can be physically abusive, but you never know.

You seem pretty aware of it, but you have to help yourself (which I guess you've started). Only 2 1/2 yrs and most of it you've spent apart. There's really no reason to ever contact this person again. Move on. If you do contact him, or accept his efforts to contact you, then you need to look in the mirror. Listen to the other girls here.

It's ALL up to you, so good luck, be safe. You can prove to yourself how strong you really are.

[lastbutnotleast]

Thank you for your response. I have said 100 times that it's sad that I know why I stay and the psychological story behind the reason I haven't moved on...yet I haven't been able to just get on with it. He has said several times during a fight that he worries he may hit me...he hasn't but I wouldn't have been surprised. Fighting was a constant issue but primarily because he took the opposing view of everything I ever said. When I wanted things to work, he didn't. When I didn't want things to work, he did. My dream car was a Chevrolet Avalanche. He insisted that it was the ugliest vehicle he had ever seen and he always hated them. If I played music he would bash it...even if it was a song he liked the week before. He would then use the excuse that we don't get along and don't have a lot in common to push me away further. Its been insane.

I haven't heard from him anymore and have made NO contact with him. I feel much much better today and I do appreciate all of the responses. I have an appointment with my therapist Wednesday and intend to be 100% honest about what I have been dealing with.

[HeartIsAching]

The last 2 1/2 years have been the worst of my life. I met a man and fell in love. I realized he was very controlling and when he was the least bit angry he was unbearably cruel in the things he would say. We are both divorced and to this day he talks about the hurt he feels that his ex-wife walked out on him...at times he admits he was to blame. But most of the time he insists she just wanted to see what else was out there and she "went to far" by leaving him and can't come back now. She has actually remarried and wants nothing to do with him. He was a flirt to the core. Always trying to find someone to replace me with but in the last 2 1/2 years although he and I have spent a good amount of that time apart he only seriously dated one other person for about a month. From the beginning he would nitpick about different aspects of my life...deal breakers he would call them.

*I didn't dress girly enough which made him flirt with other women so he could find someone who excited him. (I changed this eventually and started dressing more girly...he moved on to the next deal breaker.)
*I was too "needy" (I would ask him to tell me good morning...he insisted this was my way of trying to control his thoughts and make him think of me first thing in the morning and he just wasn't going to do it.0
*After I stopped asking him to contact me he rarely would...never a phone call unless he needed something and maybe 4 texts a day. He blamed his lack of contact on work yet talked to other friends (mainly female) all day every day.
*He would tell women that were interested in him that it wasn't working out with me...and when we broke up he would give them a chance. He would begin getting cold with me...not asking me out or inviting me over and then he would be downright cruel...telling me he didn't love me enough, didn't care for me, didn't want to be with me and that I needed to find another man. He would go out with these women usually....one date maybe...and then somehow he would contact me again and it would start all over.
*He said we were too far apart to make things really work and convinced me to move to his town 2 cities away into a home his brother rented out...only to break up with me for the first time a month later. I still live here.

At times he was sweet and kind and would tell me how much he loved me...in the back of my mind the horrible things he would say remained...I had a hard time believing him...so I would ask him why he would be so cruel at times. He would tell me that it was because I would make him angry and make him say things he didn't mean...but when he was angry would recant and insist that he just didn't love me that much and I needed to get that thru my head.

Everything was my fault. At times I would try to move on...I would go on dates and met a couple of great guys who actually fell for me. But he would learn of this and our insanity would start again...and I would catch Hell for my moving on.

I am 38. I grew up in an abusive home and then my first marriage was also abusive...for the first 25 years of my life I was abused. Over the last few months I have gone into therapy and have started taking medication, mostly at this man's urging...I have spent the last 2 1/2 years hurting and confused.

Last night was insane. He went into a cold spell and when he typically does this I quietly walk away...he gets over it within a few days or weeks and contacts me again...but last night I pushed it to it's limit. I refused to back down or walk away. I refused to leave. I knew it would go too far and I wanted it to...even if I ended up in jail. I stood there reminding him that a few days ago he was talking about us moving in together and saying he loved me...and that I wasn't walking away quietly this time. That he says these cruel things and I go....but he knows it will come back together. He said what he has said many times. "I just don't care much for you. Don't you get it? These last 2 days that we didn't talk I barely thought about you. You aren't the one and I'd rather be alone or find someone I can love because it's not you." It's like a broken record. I've heard it over and over for years.

But I stood there. I insisted he calm down and talk rationally instead of being verbally abusive. He threatened to call police. I told him to go ahead. And he did. I knew he would either break or dial 911. After the chaos I left calmly and I have no regrets about not walking away. I loved him...sometimes he loved me. Sometimes he hated me. I'll never know. But it's over and I can't stop crying. How did I get here?

IndiReloaded PM'd me and asked me to come take a look at this one. I'm glad she did.

Bad news first, then some observations, then good news, ok?

Ok, lets start off with the (as Indi put it) "Man-Picker". She's right, it's broken. Basically since you grew up in an abusive home (as I did, as many of us here have), you grew up with a warped notion of what a 'normal' relationship is supposed to be like. This causes you to actively seek these relationships because it's what is familiar to you, and what seems like the right ones. You've obviously gotten to the point where you recognize that they're not - but you're stuck because you literally don't know what to look for to get a healthy one.

Now I'm going to go over some of the things you've said in your post and translate them for you. You might be surprised.

I didn't dress girly enough which made him flirt with other women so he could find someone who excited him. (I changed this eventually and started dressing more girly...he moved on to the next deal breaker.)

This one's easy - this means "Look what you made me do". It transfers responsibility for his bad behavior to you. Too bad, it's not your fault. His behavior is his responsibility.

I was too "needy" (I would ask him to tell me good morning...he insisted this was my way of trying to control his thoughts and make him think of me first thing in the morning and he just wasn't going to do it.

This is probably another "look what you made me do", but it could also be an incompatibility between your styles. It could be that he doesn't like to be in contact as much... but I'm betting it's probably his way of keeping some distance so he can pursue other women without interruption.

After I stopped asking him to contact me he rarely would...never a phone call unless he needed something and maybe 4 texts a day. He blamed his lack of contact on work yet talked to other friends (mainly female) all day every day.

This is a means of control - he's now got you waiting for his contacts, and leaving him free to pursue other women, and rub your nose in the fact that there are other women you have to compete with.

He would tell women that were interested in him that it wasn't working out with me...and when we broke up he would give them a chance. He would begin getting cold with me...not asking me out or inviting me over and then he would be downright cruel...telling me he didn't love me enough, didn't care for me, didn't want to be with me and that I needed to find another man. He would go out with these women usually....one date maybe...and then somehow he would contact me again and it would start all over.

More control.

He said we were too far apart to make things really work and convinced me to move to his town 2 cities away into a home his brother rented out...only to break up with me for the first time a month later. I still live here.

More control. You might want to consider moving - dunno how violent he might be but this type often escalates when they stop getting their way.

That he says these cruel things and I go....but he knows it will come back together. He said what he has said many times. "I just don't care much for you. Don't you get it? These last 2 days that we didn't talk I barely thought about you. You aren't the one and I'd rather be alone or find someone I can love because it's not you." It's like a broken record. I've heard it over and over for years.

This is also about control - the more that he tells you that you're worthless, the more you value the effort he puts into it, however minimal it may be. If he tells you consistently for long enough, you'll believe it more and more, and that can be devastating to your mental and ultimately physical health.

Now for the good news:

The hardest part is learning to say "No", but it can be done. The second hardest part is learning some new communications tools and USING them. The easy part is learning to recognize abusive behaviors for what they are.

You can fix this. It won't be easy or even necessarily quick, but it can be done. Go find some domestic violence support groups. If you can find one that uses the Duluth Model, I'd highly recommend that. Group therapy is best, I think. If you don't like the group you try first, try another as all facilitators are not the same.

Hope this helps.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

If someone tells you for years that they don't care about you and don't want you, you should should take them at their word, and stop associating with them. How did being a part of this relationship make you feel on a day to day basis?

[surfhb]

When i hear divorced. i always think immediately : a person with a lot of problems and drama ! WATCH OUT!DANGER!

And many divorced people dont take time to heal and recover from the divorce, they are the first to get into the next relationship.............................:S:S:S

while they have to be the last ones doing that.

From all divorcees everywhere....thanks for your advice cunt

[IndiReloaded]

When i hear divorced. i always think immediately : a person with a lot of problems and drama ! WATCH OUT!DANGER!

And many divorced people dont take time to heal and recover from the divorce, they are the first to get into the next relationship.............................:S:S:S

while they have to be the last ones doing that.

From all divorcees everywhere....thanks for your advice cunt

Actually, she has a point. Divorced people (men and women) = a relationship failure of some kind. Even if the divorce is b/c someone finally decides they won't be abused/cheated on/etc. any longer, they still made the choice to marry that person. This tells you something about their judgement and/or decision-making process. So does the fact they finally decided to take back their self-respect.

Of course, the same criticism can be made for someone who has never been married (i.e. won't commit). I've always thought serial daters were like skipping stones on a pond: the same experience repeated n times and never finding depth.

I agree with cheekxxs that divorced people need to spend time alone, especially after a long marriage. As Vash said, a 25 year marriage means they probably married quite young and basically grew up together as adults. People change a lot from their (guessing) early 20s to, say, 40s. Its almost like a crash course in redefining oneself as an adult individual. Jumping into another relationship bypasses that growth opportunity and increases the chances of repeating mistakes, as we saw with the OP.

No judgement, btw. Again, just agreeing with cheekxxs good, if overly dramatic, point.