How do I make my girlfriend understand?

[tipster]

I had a relationship with this girl for about 1 & half year some 8years ago. Then life moved on, sometime after the break up we became friends. At that this I had a new girlfriend. Obviously, my new girlfriend was jealous of her for I don't know what reason. Maybe its just natural. My new girlfriend is some what kinda controlling type, so I lost almost all my female friends after her which I found unfair since she had contacts even with her ex. I tried everything to make her understand my perspective but you cannot win this argument specially when you are a guy. So secretly I had contacts with my old friends through a social networking site. Some how she found out about it & labelled it as I am cheating, I use to seldom stay in touch with my friends, no flirting nothing but still I got labelled as a cheating partner. Then, some year passed, we had a baby and again I made an account to just stay in touch with my old friends. Since my girlfriend is good in spying, she saw my profile on this social networking site. I just wanted to save myself from all the drama & bad labelling so I told her its not me, probably someone stole my picture from my other account. I do not know how to make my girlfriend understand. Whatever happened between me & my ex is about 8years old and my girlfriend is still stuck on it. Is it really so bad being in touch with your exs? We are parents now & there is a lot of things where our time & energy should be going instead of getting in to matters that are so old & dead. Honestly, I really do love my girlfriend & in my every future planning I see my baby & girlfriend in it. I have no physical or conversation contact with my old female friends. We just seldom exchange messages because I have known these people for about 8-9years so its quite hard to break & forget. Do you think my girlfriend will come over this social networking account thing on its own or what should I do to prove it is not me. Thanks for the help everyone.

[herestolove]

Hello, tipster.

I'm very interested in your post because I have gone through the same situation (except roles were reversed--HE was the one being controlling and monitoring my contacts). I want you to know that as long as you are faithful to your significant other, and that means both physically and emotionally, then you are not in the wrong for having other friends. I would like to point out, however, that while lying to her about that profile on the social networking site not really being you may seem like the easier route because it avoids fights, lying isn't acceptable. She clearly has some insecurity here, and it may be due to something in her past, but if she finds out you're lying, it will just add more flame to the fire. I wonder if you have addressed the possibility of just coming out and asking, "Why is it okay for you to keep in contact with old friends and exes, but not me?" If you have, what is her reasoning behind that? Because, to me, there's rarely a reason good enough to justify why one person in a relationship is "allowed" to do something but another isn't.

I hope I've shed some light on the situation. Good luck!

[Cerby]

This problem started very early in your relationship when you allowed her to tell you who you could and couldn't be friends with. Instead of folding to these requests as you did, the two options for success were to man up and tell her that she has no right to define who you talk to, and then OPENLY be friends with them (as opposed to create a hidden profile somewhere and lie about it), or the other option is to write her off as someone not worth being with.

Compromise is fair in some cases, but here you should have been tougher and told her that she can't define your friendships. Now you have a baby with this woman? Are you crazy? Yes, you love her, but eventually this kind of sh*t will take its toll, and adding in that you lie to her about social networking means there is a hell of a storm down the road. So my advice? Delete the fake profiles and secret email accounts and whatever else you're hiding. Be straight, tell her you love her, but you miss your friends, and that you're going to make time for them again (both male AND female). If she doesn't trust you, then ask her why she doesn't. If she has no valid answer, then ask her to bring it up again when she does have one.

By the way "I trust you, but I don't trust them" isn't valid.

[herestolove]

By the way "I trust you, but I don't trust them" isn't valid.

That is brilliantly true.

[cheekxs]

I dont really believe in the most "stay freinds" break ups.

I thing you broke up, get lost. dont need to keep hanging around each other.

Get your own life on the other side. Also it send mixed massages if you want to date.

Did you got to know her before having a relationship with her?
Did you not know all of this before? Did you tell her you still and believe in being freinds with exes?

And if one is doing it the other can do it 2.

You cant make her. you can communicate its up to her to do what she wants with it.

But its childish tht you hide to talk to exes?! so your need to talk to them is that big....hm.....

im shore your girlfriend is reading this topic right now. hahahahah

[tipster]

Hello, tipster.

I'm very interested in your post because I have gone through the same situation (except roles were reversed--HE was the one being controlling and monitoring my contacts). I want you to know that as long as you are faithful to your significant other, and that means both physically and emotionally, then you are not in the wrong for having other friends. I would like to point out, however, that while lying to her about that profile on the social networking site not really being you may seem like the easier route because it avoids fights, lying isn't acceptable. She clearly has some insecurity here, and it may be due to something in her past, but if she finds out you're lying, it will just add more flame to the fire. I wonder if you have addressed the possibility of just coming out and asking, "Why is it okay for you to keep in contact with old friends and exes, but not me?" If you have, what is her reasoning behind that? Because, to me, there's rarely a reason good enough to justify why one person in a relationship is "allowed" to do something but another isn't.

I hope I've shed some light on the situation. Good luck!

Actually we have talked about this but her reason is that her friends are from her school where my friends are the one I met in friends parties. But my point is always that friends are still friends. Its just hard to win this argument. I also agree with what the other post says that I need to get things cleared & draw some lines but quite honestly after working working 8hours a day, after I reach home I just like any other men, I want some peaceful time inside the house specially when my child is around I don't want him to hear that his parents are raising their voice at each other for things he cannot understand yet. For my side it is pretty sad because no matter what kinda work day I had I have to put this normal/happy face for her & my child. Otherwise I will hear words like 'there is no excitement in you' or 'why do you seem mad?' So back to my question, should I let her heal up on its own or I have to put some extra effort into it to make her believe its not me. Deleting that account will confirm that it is me, so as of now I have just left it as it was. Thank you all.

[tipster]

Sorry I did not understand what you are saying

[herestolove]

Actually we have talked about this but her reason is that her friends are from her school where my friends are the one I met in friends parties. But my point is always that friends are still friends. Its just hard to win this argument. I also agree with what the other post says that I need to get things cleared & draw some lines but quite honestly after working working 8hours a day, after I reach home I just like any other men, I want some peaceful time inside the house specially when my child is around I don't want him to hear that his parents are raising their voice at each other for things he cannot understand yet. For my side it is pretty sad because no matter what kinda work day I had I have to put this normal/happy face for her & my child. Otherwise I will hear words like 'there is no excitement in you' or 'why do you seem mad?' So back to my question, should I let her heal up on its own or I have to put some extra effort into it to make her believe its not me. Deleting that account will confirm that it is me, so as of now I have just left it as it was. Thank you all.

I COMPLETELY understand not wanting to argue and fight in front of your child. I would like to point out, though, that it's been proven that children pick up on things adults are certain they've protected them from. Even if your girlfriend and you are smiling and talking politely and whatnot, there's a FEELING, and somehow children are capable of recognizing it, and they become aware of the situation as they get older.

Don't put any effort into making her believe it's not you, because it IS you. For me personally, I'd come out and admit it, but if you're unwilling to do that, at least don't dig a deeper hole than you're in. I'm a firm believer that the truth always comes out, one way or another.

Furthermore, you're correct that friends are friends, regardless of where the introduction came in or anything else. That shouldn't even be an argument, because there's nothing to argue about. You're your own person, and you are completely entitled to keep in touch with friends, past or present.

I think you need to ask yourself if this is really how you want to spend the rest of your life. If it is, then you're set and ready to go. If it's not, there's always other options out there.

[smackie9]

There is something lacking in your relationship and that is trust. If there is no trust then you are f ucked. Now that there is a baby in the mix it's just gonna get worse.

Time to man up and have a firm and honest talk with her. You need to point out to her that there has been no threat to your relationship by ayone of these girls, so there is no reason why you can't keep in contact with them. It's not like you are going out with them and having dinner dates, or sending flirtatious messages.

I have a suggestion, have your GF meet each one so she can get to know them. Meet up for lunch or coffee and bring the baby along too. If by any chance she can get to know who these girls are she might realize they are no threat at all. I think a lot of her lack of trust is caused by her vivid imagination that these girl are sluts trying to steal you away from her......truly she needs to get over it. It would be nice that someday they could actually be a part of you and her's circle of friends.

[tipster]

Thank you all for your posts. Yes there is a lack of trust but I guess only time can tell how she wants this relation to go forward. It is also very draining for me to be in a relation where my past which has no connection with my present is such a big deal. I have always protected her from my past & tried not to tell her what would hurt any girlfriend. But in the past she has persuasively asked me even how many times I had sex with my ex. From every little to big detail she wants to know it all. Even one time my sister told her that whatever past my brother had, it was all even before he met you and it doesn't matter now. I guess some people just want to be dominant over there partners.

[Petit Papillon]

I don't understand why would you want to stay friend with your exes in the first place. Really. It never works. Ever.

[tipster]

I don't understand why would you want to stay friend with your exes in the first place. Really. It never works. Ever.

Its not exes, its just one ex who I was friends with before we became girlfriend boyfriend. But its not about me being friends with them, I have sacrificed that already, is it wrong to stay in touch with them?

[Petit Papillon]

She's not your "friend" anymore. She's now your ex, and always be your ex now, since you decided to date you friend. And this is wrong to stay in touch with them, it would be freaking uncomfortable for me if my bf did it to me and yeah, if he wouldn't understand it, then i would be either very insecure throughout the relationship or i would just break up with me... Seriously, you were emotionally involved with that girl, so there is a chance you still are to some point.
Choose either your ex or your girlfriend.
Once you marry your girlfriend and you have kids, you will tell your children" you know? Once daddy dated your auntie"... Seriously ? You don't have to stay friends with her, you want to and it's not ok.

[tipster]

She's not your "friend" anymore. She's now your ex, and always be your ex now, since you decided to date you friend. And this is wrong to stay in touch with them, it would be freaking uncomfortable for me if my bf did it to me and yeah, if he wouldn't understand it, then i would be either very insecure throughout the relationship or i would just break up with me... Seriously, you were emotionally involved with that girl, so there is a chance you still are to some point.
Choose either your ex or your girlfriend.
Once you marry your girlfriend and you have kids, you will tell your children" you know? Once daddy dated your auntie"... Seriously ? You don't have to stay friends with her, you want to and it's not ok.

Please read my post again before commenting. Its not like I send her messages every day. Last time was some 3 & half months ago. I really do not understand why people become so judgemental when they hear other people's problems if I ever run in to my ex/friend with my child with me. I will introduce her just like you will introduce your children to your ex, as a friend. Nothing more, our children doesn't need to know everything at the age of 4. If my child needs to know, at the right age, I will tell that we use to date. There is nothing wrong with that. I had emotions for her, true, but after the break up we both agreed on one thing that we are better friends than lovers.

[Petit Papillon]

I had a relationship with this girl for about 1 & half year some 8years ago. Then life moved on, sometime after the break up we became friends. At that this I had a new girlfriend. Obviously, my new girlfriend was jealous of her for I don't know what reason. Maybe its just natural. My new girlfriend is some what kinda controlling type, so I lost almost all my female friends after her which I found unfair since she had contacts even with her ex. I tried everything to make her understand my perspective but you cannot win this argument specially when you are a guy. So secretly I had contacts with my old friends through a social networking site. Some how she found out about it & labelled it as I am cheating, I use to seldom stay in touch with my friends, no flirting nothing but still I got labelled as a cheating partner. Then, some year passed, we had a baby and again I made an account to just stay in touch with my old friends. Since my girlfriend is good in spying, she saw my profile on this social networking site. I just wanted to save myself from all the drama & bad labelling so I told her its not me, probably someone stole my picture from my other account. I do not know how to make my girlfriend understand. Whatever happened between me & my ex is about 8years old and my girlfriend is still stuck on it. Is it really so bad being in touch with your exs? We are parents now & there is a lot of things where our time & energy should be going instead of getting in to matters that are so old & dead. Honestly, I really do love my girlfriend & in my every future planning I see my baby & girlfriend in it. I have no physical or conversation contact with my old female friends. We just seldom exchange messages because I have known these people for about 8-9years so its quite hard to break & forget. Do you think my girlfriend will come over this social networking account thing on its own or what should I do to prove it is not me. Thanks for the help everyone.

So yeah, secretly creating accounts and what so ever. You don't do things in secret if you know they are not wrong. Your subconsciousness tells you it's wrong, that's why you do it in secret. Do you really need to create problems in your relationship, in your family actually, for being able "to say hi" every few months? Really? If you have a family to care about, those things should be really irrelevant. And sorry, but 1,5 year long relationship is not "nothing". You choose to cause those problems. And this ex, she's obviously not that close friend, if you can go few months without talking to each other, which means, it's not that important to stay in touch with her.
And I will add, your gf has the reason to worry, because even if 8 years ago you decided to "stay friends" with your ex, and since then you weren't really that close friends, and finally you are, it means that in those 8 years you two could change, and you could see each other as "new personas" so the feelings could grow again.

Your gf and your kid should be more important to you than this so called friendship. Always. It's not like you don't have other friends, right?