Need women's perspective on my situation (breaking up).

[searock]

I think if you did something really romantic and out of the ordinary, you might have a chance. Anything else you do or say would just reaffirm her opinion of you as a neglectful, cold, unloving partner. I agree with the poster above who suggested that she needs words of affirmation to be assured of your love. And it sounds like you barely ever speak with her about your feelings at all. Give her a heartfelt letter if you have trouble speaking to her, in which you tell her she's the woman of your life and all that mushy stuff. You need to prove that you are willing to make an effort, to go out of your regular way, all just because you love her and don't want to lose her. It might be too late, but I reckon it's the only thing that MIGHT work.

[fgrispa]

Thank you very much for the advice and help. I just wanted to write a little update.
As of today, we aren't "together" but are living in under the same roof. She is still saying that we can't be together.

This morning, while I thought she was sleeping, I went on the patio and called my mom. My mom and I speak french. We talked for about 20 minutes and when I got back in the house I jumped in the shower. When I got out of the shower, my wife was waiting in front of the door, sitting on the floor and asked me who I called (she heard the conversation). I told her that I called my mom. She did not believe me and started to say that I was being sneaky. To clarify a little detail, my wife doesn't speak french, so she assumed that the way I sounded was different from the other times when I call my mom. She was freaking out and and asked to check my phone to see who I called. She also asked who I texted the previous night (texted a male friend). She said "not because we can't work out means that I don't love you anymore". I am very confused. I had to leave for work so I didn't want to get too deep into the subject so I hugged her from behind and she grabbed my arms and wouldn't let go. I grabbed her face and kissed her. She let it happen. We talked for a minute then I kissed her again. She let it happened again. I am very confused about what I should do and how I can make this work. I know that some of you were saying to take action and I am doing my best at being here for her but when she is that confused, I just don't want to do the wrong things. She says that she has been unhappy and can't go back to it. But from what I see, she is very scared to loose me. She is already thinking that I am talking to girls.

[searock]

You need to be more romantic and attentive than you've ever been. Trust me, that's all it takes!

[IndiReloaded]

What does she want? She has always wanted to be with me.

She says that we are not on the same page. What does that mean?

You seem to be appreciating the trolls posts and ignoring those who actually have experience with long relationships/marriage. Not the smartest approach, IMO. Anyway, when I asked what you & she want, ^this is not an answer.

What are your life goals? What is her (and your) vision of what a good partnership looks like? How do you agree on the big issues re: money, kids, career, family, retirement? How do you envision growing together over the next 20+ years, how do you support each other to reach your goals.

These questions will address her comment about 'not being on the same page'. Her issue is about communication, but she may not know herself what she wants. This is why counselling is a good suggestion.

You can't get where you want without knowing what you want and why. That goes for both of you. Make the time to have these kinds of conversations, get in this habit. Have these discussions when things are calm and good. Best for a long, happy marriage. It really is about common goals, respect and good communication.

[fgrispa]

I really appreciate your answer. We do have similar goals. I just have to write an update and I will get back to you. Thank you again for your message.

[fgrispa]

One more update:

Last night we both went out our ways. I went out with a friend and she went out with a co-worker. I got home a little before her and when she got back she decided to talk and open up. I really wasn't expecting that or nothing at all. She said that she misses me, that she loves me and that sleeping in the same bed has been very hard because all she wants to do is cuddle. We have been sleeping in the same bed but each on our side. She was talking about being together then not being together again. She asked if we could cuddle last night and I said yes, of course.

She did say this one thing that stuck in my mind: "no more words, show me" (show me as show me action, you have told me everything you wanted to do).

She is also talking about moving with one of her friends. It's hard to recap everything but she would say one positive thing followed by a negative.

So its one good thing, then a negative thing, then another good news then I'm gonna move out.

I don't know what to think. Sorry if its a little hard to understand, I just feel very emotional right now.

[chrysalis]

be strong !

[searock]

I'll say it for the third time: do something romantic for her. I thought you weren't talking to her enough, but it seems that lately you have been speaking more often about your feelings, so now it's time for action. As she said, no more words: show her. Be extremely romantic and sweet to her, help her with house work, leave her sweet notes, offer to give her a massage, bring her small gifts, cook her meals, spend time with her giving her your undivided attention, etc... She basically *told you* that this is what she wants and needs. Show her that you care about her as much as she cares about you, that you think about her even when she's not around, that you need and want her. She *wants* to be happy in this relationship, she is just fed up and frustrated with having to do all the work. If you are at a loss as to what exactly she would like, ask her directly.

[fgrispa]

We had another talk. She says that she never said anything about getting back together. Which is true minus the "no more words, show me action" but the way she acts and and looks tell me different. And I told her that, that I read on her face and behavior that she still doesn't know what to do. she admitted it and also said that she has to trust her decision even if she is not 100% sure and will never know if she was a 100% sure but will have to live with it.

She is looking for apartments today. When two nights ago, she told me that she loves me and missed me and wanted to cuddle.
I know that she is really confused but am I supposed to think or do? I never know what to expect when we see each other, could be a good talk or it could be tensions, she could be open about her thoughts or could just be cold. I have opened up to her, and I now tell her everything. She appreciates it.

I feel like I should move on.

[Cerby]

We had another talk. She says that she never said anything about getting back together. Which is true minus the "no more words, show me action" but the way she acts and and looks tell me different. And I told her that, that I read on her face and behavior that she still doesn't know what to do. she admitted it and also said that she has to trust her decision even if she is not 100% sure and will never know if she was a 100% sure but will have to live with it.

She is looking for apartments today. When two nights ago, she told me that she loves me and missed me and wanted to cuddle.
I know that she is really confused but am I supposed to think or do? I never know what to expect when we see each other, could be a good talk or it could be tensions, she could be open about her thoughts or could just be cold. I have opened up to her, and I now tell her everything. She appreciates it.

I feel like I should move on.

Listen you dumbass, searock has told you the right answer 3 times, and you don't even acknowledge it. Your relationship is ending/has ended because you aren't willing to do anything to keep it. SHOW HER you love her, don't just tell her. If you're not willing to try, then stop posting, because you're not reading the replies anyways.

[fgrispa]

I do show love but it's hard when the other person is acting very cold about it. I have opened up more than ever, and I like it this way. I am always here for her when she needs to talk, either about positive or negative things about our situation. I am always home when comes back and have food ready. I told her I know she needs space but am here whenever she needs to talk. I am reading the replies but I don't think that being romantic is what she wants right now.

[fgrispa]

Thank you so much for your answer JangoFettish. I am reading it again and will get back to you.

[IndiReloaded]

I do show love but it's hard when the other person is acting very cold about it.

That's called fighting for your marriage. What do you expect? Its unreasonable for you to start changing and immediately expect her to respond.

Either you want a marriage with her or you don't. Figure out what you want and then do what's needful.

You really need to order this book "Love must be tough" if you want to save your marriage. Sounds like its not too late, she is still communicating with you. Wait too much longer tho and it will be. Women 'check out' of relationships much earlier than men before they actually leave.

http://files.tyndale.com/thpdata/FirstChapters/978-1-4143-1745-8.pdf

[fgrispa]

Hi,

It's been a few days since I wrote last. I wanted to write an update and see what everybody thinks.

I have been in this same situation for almost a month now. We still live together. Nothing has changed. Same exact position as a month ago. The only difference is that I have told her everything I wanted to change and am showing her "actions" when she is not blocking them. But I still get the same feel about her being indecisive.

I have realized that her whole family is worried about her, they have been calling me. I now believe that there is exterior factors that might play a role in this situation.
-Her life time best friend stopped talking to her about two years ago and my wife doesnt know why. She never got an explanation and she wont answer when my wife reaches out. I know that she was REALLY sad about it when it first happened but then she never really talked about it again.
- Her dad recently got remarried and my wife and her dad have always been very close to each other.
- Her dad also got diagnosed with Cancer last month (curable).

I would like to get some of your guys's perspective on this.

I feel like that she has no control on these three things and doesn't know how to accept or deal with them and the one thing she can "control" was our relationship. Please tell me if I am completely wrong on this one but like I said, her whole family have reached out and told me that she is not dealing with our situation and avoiding everything. Her answer to everything when they talk (about me, about what she is going do to or where she would live) to her is "I don't know".

If someone has experienced something similar before I would love to hear the story.

Thank you very much for reading.

[IndiReloaded]

I wonder at the fact you didn't know about these things from your wife directly. Serious communication problem there.