i want to make this work

[freedom4me]

Been seeing a guy for four months. Long story but its been hot and cold most of the way. He disappeared on me for three weeks. He said he doesnt want a girlfriend. Been seeing him for almost two weeks since he disappeared. Spent 4 of the last 5 nights with him. I tried to leave him last week. I told him i want a relationship and he said he didnt so i said i have to go. He wouldnt let me leave. He took my bags from me, blocked the door, hugged me and asked why i was doing this. He told me many times he cared for me. He deleted his online dating profile in front of me. I said i didnt want a friend with benefits. He said that is not what we are. He told me he doesnt have time for a gf. He also said he doesnt want his heart broke. He told me we are dating although just a few days before he told me dating was the same thing as having a gf so we were just "hanging out". So now we are dating, wtf, he still doesnt want a gf. Sooo...

Saturday he wanted me to bring my friend to meet his friend. My friend couldnt come so i told him to come get me. He said he couldnt drive but told me to come out. I found a ride. He was at the club, i thought he was home. So i had to have my ride drive me 45 mins to meet him. When i got there he aaked where my friend was. I told him he knew she couldnt come, i already told him that. He said i shouldnt have come. I got so angry and told him off. I told him to never text or call me, that i never wanted to see him again. I turned my back to walk out and he grabbed my arm and asked why. I told him he treated me like sh*t and i wasnt playing this game anymore. He talked to his friends and made arrangements for me to stay.

Next we go out for some late night breakfast after leaving the club. Hes being super sweet to me. I want to go smoke a cig with his friend. He doesnt want me to cause he doesnt trust his friend. I tell him he can trust me. So i sit down outside, light my cig, and he comes charging out, smacks ths cig from my hand, picks me up out of my chair, and pushes me back in the restaurant. No big deal. This didnt bother me. But i didnt understand why he was so jealous.

Hes been extra sweet and caring towards me since this happened. Taking me to really nice places and coming up with fun things to do. He still doesnt want a gf. I want a bf. I want to lay my cards out on the table like i did last week but be strong enough to leave if he says no instead of letting him talk me into staying. Thing is that he is out of town for a while. I dont know if i should wait until he gets back or just do it by phone. I want to be with him more than ive ever wanted to be with any man. I understand some of you have opinions that i should leave him but i just dont want to.

Btw, he acts like he is my bf. He calls me sweet names, holds and cuddles me, makes rules for me to follow, treats me with respect. We can just hang out watching tv and have fun. Hes great and i dont want to lose him. My emotions are already wrapped up in this.

What is the best advice you could give me on how i can handle this situation beside just leaving?

[VincenzoG91]

Congratulations, you are the property of a control freak. Start learning about assertive communication, and then use it with him when he gets back in town. If he still keeps making up rules for you and pushing you around, you can either leave or wait for his smothering affection to become verbal abuse. Then physical abuse. If he cared about you, he would respect your free will, but he doesn't. He expects your obedience.

But maybe that's okay for you. Maybe you are a passive person and you want somebody to create structure to your life. It does seem like you want to be in a relationship so badly that you are willing to put up with abuse. Give some serious thought to your priorities. Maybe you are willing to trade freedom for security. I don't really see the security, given that he is so reluctant to admit that he is in a serious relationship with you. He might have thought it was a big deal that he took down his dating profile for you, but if he really cared about you, it would have already been gone.

[iamaninnocentma]

I like the fact that he makes rules for you to follow. Most woman dont really know how to behave, and they need a man to set the boundaries. The thing with the fag seems a little extreme, but maybe his friend is a real shit that pumps anything. On balance, i think hes a keeper.

[smackie9]

This is the great beginnings of an abusive relationship...the push and pull of manipulation, passive aggressive behavior, jealousy and is starting to show physical force.....it may start by wackin the cig out of your mouth, but next time it will be your face. F uckin run away as fast as you can...I know what I'm talking about because I have been there. Cut this guy totally out of your life, and if he ever grabs you again threaten him that you will have him charged with assault. If you don't nip this one in the bud, you will be calling for a restraining order before you know it.

[smackie9]

Dump his ass over the phone when he is far far away.

[freedom4me]

I completely understand what all of you are saying, but i just dont think he will ever be abusive. He is very sweet and kind. I care about him very much and i dont mind how he acts. No, i am not desperate for a relationship. I have no problems meeting men. I just have very strong feelings for this man. He is the one i want. I guess what i will do is see how he acts towards me while he is out of town and go from there. He is already telling me he misses me, so hes being sweet. If he disappears and doesnt contact me on a regular basis while he is gone then there is no need for me to even bother asking him for anything because i will be gone. I cant do his disappearing act again.

[VincenzoG91]

I completely understand what all of you are saying, but i just dont think he will ever be abusive. He is very sweet and kind. I care about him very much and i dont mind how he acts. No, i am not desperate for a relationship. I have no problems meeting men. I just have very strong feelings for this man. He is the one i want. I guess what i will do is see how he acts towards me while he is out of town and go from there. He is already telling me he misses me, so hes being sweet. If he disappears and doesnt contact me on a regular basis while he is gone then there is no need for me to even bother asking him for anything because i will be gone. I cant do his disappearing act again.

Tell him all of this, and see how he reacts. Communication is very important in a relationship.

[freedom4me]

I have told him and he promised he wouldnt disappear again. I have been very open and honest about my feelings since his three week hiatus. It just scares me since i never thought he was that kind of guy capable of doing that.