Need women's perspective on my situation (breaking up).

[fgrispa]

Hi,

Here is my situation. I am a 29 years old male. Been in a relationship for almost 5 years and married for 2 and 1/2 years.
For the past few months I have been very focused and busy with work and left my wife aside. She has mentioned that she has been unhappy but I didn't do much to change the situation. I thought that things would work themselves out. Almost two weeks ago, she said that she was breaking up with me because she didn't see any other options. We also have other issues that I am about to mention: we sometimes have communication problems, I don't always tell her how I feel about certain things, how I feel about her and that I love her. I have always been kind of private about it, this is how my parents were when I was growing up so this is what I know. Other issues are that she has always felt that I would leave her for someone else, in her words "someone prettier, someone better". I also moved to the US for her. I am from Europe and she has this guilt about me giving up everything to be here with her far from my family and friends. I am ok with it, I made this choice. I haven't seen my family in almost 3 years.

We have been talking and she has been staying half of the time at her dad's house. I have spent a lot of time alone and was able to write down all the things that I needed and wanted to change. I also wrote how I feel about her. We still love each other. When I read it to her, she said that this is everything she wanted to hear but that maybe it was too late. She always said that she wanted to be with me for the rest of our lives.

For the two past weeks, she has been very shut down about her feelings. I feel like she has made a decision and wants or try to stick with it. I have been trying to get some emotions out of her and a couple of days ago I made plans on on my own to go out with a friend. When I told her, I could see that she was sad about it. I stuck with my plans and was getting ready. She then said that she had to go to her dad's when she had no plan on leaving our house. It was her day off, she was in sweatpants watching shows all day. She said that she had to do something and stay active. She then cried and hugged me. I felt good about it in a way, I saw that she cared, that she loved me. I would like to get a woman's perspective on her reaction and if I am thinking straight on this situation. I offered to stay and talked but she said that she didn't want to or didn't know why she was sad.

As of today, I love her and I strongly believe that she loves me. I want to make it work but I am not sure about how to approach her. We have known each other for almost 10 years. She has been wanting to be with me this whole time. I still lived in Europe back then but 5 years ago we decided that we were old enough to make it happen. This is the first big issue we are having and I feel like she is giving up already.

Any advice or words would help. I am in the middle of it right now and having a tough time.

Thank you for reading.

[Cerby]

Have you tried couples therapy? If not I suggest you start there. Here is it tough to help with a long term relationship because you can't put 10 years into a single post.

[IndiReloaded]

There's a saying about women:
Women need to be loved, not understood.

If you love her, you'll have to find a way to open up and communicate. Couples therapy can help but only if you both have a goal in mind.

What does she want? What do you want? Figure that out and go from there. Good luck.

[fgrispa]

Thanks for the answers. I mentioned couple therapy but she said no.

What does she want? She has always wanted to be with me. Now that there is an issue, she is walking away but I know she still loves me. I feel like she is persuading herself to not like me anymore and blocking her feelings.
She says that we are not on the same page. What does that mean? We have been together for a long time and always have been good together.

This is why it is a delicate situation. I know that there is a way I can make this work but I need to find the right approach and cannot say the wrong things.

I will be with her tonight and am hoping we can have a good talk.

[heartonmysleeve]

It sounds like even though it is hard for you to do it - she needs to hear positive affirmations from you. I would work on making some of the changes you mentioned to her. Start small and be consistant. For example, it sounds like she really needs to hear you tell her how you feel about her (positive affirmations) so I would make a small goal to tell her ex. "I love you" "You look nice today" "I appreciate it when you...." so many times a week/day. Good luck.

[Maple1714]

I am also 29 and a woman...I don't necessarily need to hear nice things all the time. I know that I am pretty, smart, and a great mom. To me actions speak the loudest. Do you show her affection in other ways? Do you kiss her and hug her everyday? Do you guys have a healthy sex life? Even little things like cleaning the bathroom or making her dinner...folding laundry or opening the car door...all those actions also show you care. Words are just words...sure you do need to tell her that she is pretty and looks nice every now and then....and tell her you love her sometimes too...but I think that she just doesn't feel the love from you in general. A woman needs to feel appreciated or you will loose her. Step up your game!!!

[fgrispa]

Thanks for the answers. I wil do all that but right now she is really shutting down and tries to convince herself that we shouldn't be together. I need to crack that shell and I don't seem to know how. I know she loves me but don't know why she is trying so hard to push me away and block her frelings. Any more advice?

[IndiReloaded]

What's her love language? A lot of problems b/t couples who fundamentally care about each other struggle b/c they don't understand how to show their partner love *in a way that is meaningful to them*. Take the quiz that's here

http://www.5lovelanguages.com/

[pisces25]

Give her space. Tell her you understand she is confused and that you love her and if she takes you back you will change, but then give her the time and space to contemplate that. It's difficult for women to just forgive and forget after many months/years of being taken for granted and being unloved.

[cheekxs]

Marriage is not a joke and the big arty and dresses.

This is also marriage. thats why people need to realize first what it means before they jump into it.

And you say you dont know better. Well not true. otherwise you would not questioned how you are acting.
Sit all day and blame parents and not doing something better now that you can decide how to do it , is for when you are a kid. But growing up(mature) people take care of there problems and issues!

I think you need to go to a psychologist both of you and they can guide both of you with your issues.

[cheekxs]

And when you hurt any person, what ever it is, woman, kid etc. at a certain point they will try to shut down their emotions so they cant get hurt anymore.

Till they feel safe again.A woman takes a lot action and steps to make something better or to make it work, but once they try for noting and the other keep hurting them they will shut down to protect their heart. they will need a lot of time to open up back or maybe never more with the person that did hurt them.

Thats why you need to be gentle while dealing with a woman heart and feelings.

And you know what you do wrong and know you need to get into ACTION>

stop reading and sitting all day long thinking.!
ACTION
go to a psycolog, read book about marriage, do something useful.

[fgrispa]

Thanks again for all the answers. My wife came back yesterday and we had a talk. She said that her decision hasn't changed and that she doesn't want to be with me anymore. At this point we are still living together and slept in the same bed last night (without touching). We spent the evening together and while talking, I caught her a couple times saying "if we are together..." even though she says that we aren't a couple anymore.
We had a "good" night, we talked, watched shows together, no fighting, no arguing.

Like I said, we still live together so we will most likely be together every night. I would love to know what you guys think about the situation. I feel like if she really didn't want me anymore, she wouldn't be here.

I also understand that I need to take action but how can I do it if my wife is saying that we are done? I really don't want to do the wrong things and push her away.


If offered to go see a counselor again and she didn't say no this time. She answered with a slow "I don't know" that meant "maybe" in her tone.

She also says that she feels different about the relationship now and doesn't know if she can go back to the way she used to feel. This one is a little hard for me to understand, what does she really mean by that? When I asked her more detail, she says that she can't explain it, she just feels different.

Sorry I am all over the place. She just left for work and I am a little emotional right now.

Thanks again guys.

[LoveSlice]

the best thing to do, is to give her some space. because that will also help you too. You both need to get your heads right. at the moment she probably feels emotionally unattached to you, for what ever reason. You need to become that person she fell in love with, she needs to feel appreciated for all the small things she does and not just the big things. try not to cry, and come across as needy. Be kind, and considerate. And when she wants one, provide a cuddle. But like i say, don't be needy and want attention from her. Space is so important. the feelings she had for you are probably buried away under there some place. You need to find a way, with out being forceful, to rediscover them.
Good Luck

[IndiReloaded]

Marriage is not a joke and the big party and dresses.

This is also marriage. thats why people need to realize first what it means before they jump into it.

Your post reminded me of that classic quote about marriage. I'll paraphrase, but its basically this

There's the 'ideal' of marriage and the 'real' of marriage. Woe to those who get them confused.

[cheekxs]

Topic starter, before you even date woman read some books about them and about the male.and get to know how woman are in general.
Cause you ask to much things right now , while you supposed to know them.

I think you are lazy and dont want to work hard for your marriage.

Like you keep asking while we already told you what to do.
We cant force you to do it or to care or love her.
Love put you in action. And where is your action?

You really need to get some books about woman.

Out of what you said, i think that she is HURT. Do you know what that is?
So she is telling you im still hurt, you need to step it up for real.
She wants to make it work, But you need to do make the effort for that to happen.

Its simple what she is staying. you dont do a shit about it to change something, im
leaving.

So if you care, as a men you supposed to run as a fool getting help and books and stuff and a plan with her how to work on the issues.
You need to do your part so she can open up back to you. she is not stupid, for shore she will not open up to you so she can get hurt again!
And please dont ask more stuff. GET THINGS DONE DUDE!ACTION!