Insulted at someone's insistence

[magguu]

Hi all,

About 5 months back I met a girl and we became very close friends. After some time I did fall in love with her, but was always discreet about it. She was in a long distance relationship and never hid this from me. Her BF is a very jealous and controlling person. He is about 6-7 years older than her and has known her since her teen age ... they have had a nasty breakup in the past due to over possessiveness of this guy. But they have patched up about a year back due to what looks like emotional blackmail from him.

So much for the background ...

I was beginning to spend a lot of time with her which she used to mostly hide from her BF ... but it was not possible to hide everything coz he used to call her (on mobile) practically everytime ... and would go ballistic if she did not pick up promptly. It appears to me that this girl is too emotionally dependent on him for some unfathomable reason. Of late this BF of her became more and more insecure of me ... just the mention of my name would send him to paroxysms of rage which she tolerated and gave in to his every demand. She started seeing me less and less due to this continuous pressure from him. At present I feel somewhat ashamed of admitting that I still loved her and valued every minute of time spent with her. About 15 weeks back, I had to go to a different city for 12 weeks. I had intended to keep in touch with her and used to call her sometimes.

One day, totally out of the blue, she talked very rudely to me and told me that our friendship was over and abruptly cut the call. Then she unfriended me from all social networks, stopped picking up my phone (i had tried calling her, but just once nothing persistent), didn't reply to my email (i had written a mail asking for explanation), removed me from all her chat lists, etc ... and she never called me back anymore while I was away. Needless to say, I felt badly hurt.

After I came back (and since then it is approximately 3 weeks), she is not avoiding me totally but it is never the same. She has rejected my going out requests but not done anything rude. She has also meticulously avoided any discussion of that day's behavior. Mostly she has pretended as if nothing wrong has ever happened.

Until yesterday ....

Yesterday I talked to her about it after waiting for many days to breach this topic. I told her very calmly that she might want to have some space from me but do not cut me out totally. And then I asked her about her outburst of that day.

Her response has been so shocking that it has sent my mind reeling since then.

Basically she was ordered (and emotionally blackmailed) to do that from her BF. OK, I had suspected this part but this is the real shocker --- her BF wanted to listen to this breakup conversation .... so she had broke up with me while her BF was listening to her and mine every word. She did this via a three way phone-call of which I was unaware. I thought only the two of us were talking.

I am totally distraught by such a behavior ... I dont know why should she behave in such a way. And I think maybe she is not the right person for me ... not even as a casual friend. I feel extremely hurt and publicly humiliated ... i dont feel like talking to her, but maybe I still feel love and affection for her. It is just one day so I might not be in the best position to think correct.

What do you guys think of the above ? Has any of you experienced this situation before ? how did you deal with it ?

what should i do ? I would appreciate some well meaning words.

Thanks.

[vashti]

She is in a relationship with HIM, not you. HE is her priority. Obviously, she is not the right person for you. Find someone who is actually available.

[Hayden10]

First of all, I'm really sorry to hear this and I am very sorry for your hurt feelings, I hope that you can heal in a positive way.

The object of your affection is being controlled by a crazed and over-controlling man. Her behavior stems 100% from his reactions, she is trapped and does not know how to get out. I think that she definitely appreciates you and likes you, but her life is controlled by someone else and until she breaks free from his control, you are not going to have any normal sort of friendship, never mind relationship with this girl. The guy is so insecure and controlling that he can only trust her that the relationship is severed between you and her unless he hears it being done over the phone.

He displays symptoms of men who have alcohol, anger, and deep personality issues. And she still puts up with it, what does that tell you about her? she submits to his crazy and controlling behavior, she allows him to do this to her, where does that put you? at the mercy of a woman who is broken and has low self-will (mainly because of his controlling behavior). S,o you are basing your happiness on whether someone is free from someone else. Sounds healthy? I think not.

You need to distance yourself away from her because you are putting your emotions and yourself in danger.

Now, I see your country's flag and from having some friends who are from your country, it seems that parental approval is really important in your situation. Do her parents approve/like her boyfriend? do they want them to get married? if so, then you need to keep that in mind because you might not be able to change their mind. If her parents do not approve of him, then you might lightly want for her to seek help from them.

Now you said that he emotionally blackmails her, how does he do this? is it by hurting her feelings or by threatening to tell people that she a 'loose' woman etc. IF he plays on her feelings, then she clearly still has feeling for him and they just have a dysfunctional/crazy/emotional roller coaster type of relationship. And you need NOT be involved in it.

If she is free to her choices, then she is the one that has to get help and needs to escape from him. You CANNOT make this choice for her, if has free will and has family expectations/wants, then clearly there is something wrong with her. Tell her what her bf wants to hear on the phone, but maybe separately tell her that if she is ever free and wants to be friends, then she can call you BUT without the drama of a crazy ex-boyfriend because this is NOT good for you.

Good luck Let us know what you decide to do.

[magguu]

She is in a relationship with HIM, not you. HE is her priority. Obviously, she is not the right person for you. Find someone who is actually available.

Yes you are right. I too know that. Thanks for taking your precious time to answer my obvious problem.

Do her parents approve/like her boyfriend? do they want them to get married? if so, then you need to keep that in mind because you might not be able to change their mind. If her parents do not approve of him, then you might lightly want for her to seek help from them.

Where do I begin with this one Hayden.

She had met this man over a chat room when she was a school kid and he had a job in some newspaper. He convinced her to start her college in a different city (which anyway was a good thing as she lives in a small town), so that he could meet her easily. Her parents were totally unaware of all this. Over the course of next 1-2 years his obsessive behavior became too much for her to handle and she broke up with him. His reaction was totally over the top. He went to her hometown, met her parents and disclosed all about the relationship. Needless to say her parents were extremely hurt but supported their daughter. Now her parents are also not exactly ice-cool but you are familiar with Indian parents/family anyway.

Next, this BF of her lodged a police complaint against her father for taking his GF away from him. Being in media profession, he had lots of contacts with police personnel. The matter came to the notice of the superiors of her dad at the workplace. This caused enough professional tension in her dad's life as those who were not well disposed towards him used this matter to their advantage politically. All this was too troublesome for her and her family ... at least that is what she has told me. She kept away from him for about 2-3 years. In the meantime she was in a relationship with someone else which also didn't work out as the guy was non-committal. She is also not totally above board as she had kept contact (on phone) with the ex-BF on-and-off.

Now you said that he emotionally blackmails her, how does he do this? is it by hurting her feelings or by threatening to tell people that she a 'loose' woman etc. IF he plays on her feelings, then she clearly still has feeling for him and they just have a dysfunctional/crazy/emotional roller coaster type of relationship. And you need NOT be involved in it.

About one year back she moved in to my campus (currently we both are grad students in the same campus and I know her since 6 months). Just after moving in, she felt very lonely and increased the frequency of talking with the ex-BF. After much emotional blackmail (his point was that she has caused him clinical depression and destroyed his life) she took him back in her life. Now, according to her, she is very much troubled by his obsessive control. He has grave doubts about her fidelity. From what I understand, he is extremely sexually insecure and thinks that she is just humping some guy all the time, day and night. Maybe to prevent that he must keep in touch 24 hours a day. He cajoles her into 'drinking sessions' .. which means they both talk for 4-5 hours on the phone while being totally drunk ... both alone sitting in their respective rooms. I think this is pretty gross ... very very sick.

If she is free to her choices, then she is the one that has to get help and needs to escape from him. You CANNOT make this choice for her, if has free will and has family expectations/wants, then clearly there is something wrong with her. Tell her what her bf wants to hear on the phone, but maybe separately tell her that if she is ever free and wants to be friends, then she can call you BUT without the drama of a crazy ex-boyfriend because this is NOT good for you.

Anyway before I knew all this, I was already in love. I tried to shut her out of my mind, but seeing her every so often is not very conducive to that. I was really in love with her, but never disclosed my feelings. And as far as I could I have tried not to enter their world. I do not try to solve her problems. I know better than that. But sometimes a few words of judgement do spout from me.

This is the full story. And presently nobody in her family and probably most of her old college friends are not aware of her getting back with this guy.

I am very thankful to you for replying to this. I am still distraught and don't really want to interact with her any more.

[bulrush]

This girl is a girl who prefers abusive boyfriends, and who clearly cannot think nor act for herself. This is not someone you want a serious relationship with.

Is this going on in India where she has no chance to escape from this guy due to social pressures?

[Hayden10]

In agreement with Bulrush, she really does prefer abusive boyfriends. I mean she called him when she got lonely in college, really? after he caused her so many problems?

I think that the only way that she can get help is if her parents find out again, I am sure her father would talk some sense into her after being embarrassed by this guy publicly and professionally.

You are distraught, but you did nothing wrong, you cannot save this girl, she is incredibly weak. So, deal with your feelings, take as much time as you need, not years, but weeks, maybe months if you need to. And then find someone who does not enjoy being drunk on the phone with some abusive creep for 4-5 hours.

I know its hard when you care about other people, but you have to think for what it's right for you.

Good luck

[magguu]

I am not sure that it is due to social pressures ... She has tried several times to shed this guy ... sometimes not taking his call for days ... but he is not a persistent a***ole for nothing. he keeps calling and messaging continuously throughout all that time in the hope that sometime she will switch on her phone. i have seen this with my own eyes at least once. I don't think that social pressures will keep her hitched to this guy.

I am not sure exactly what keeps this girl pinned to him after all that he does. She is otherwise a very intelligent girl ... one of the most intelligent girls i have met (and I admit, this is THE main reason of my attraction to her) ... she is clearly so superior to all the other students (and some professors too) around her that there is absolutely NO competition (and on this even her professors agree) ... whenever i talk with her, she impresses me (it may be my infatuation).

I know that behind all that, there is a foolish girl sitting who needs no external prompt to commit rank tomfoolery. She is also remarkably naive and uninformed for a girl of her age. She is not well read enough and quite a few times I have given her quick tutorials on history/economics/politics. Even on science which is her subject (I am a science grad student too), sometimes she amazes me with her ignorance. But she is very quick to grasp new concepts .. much quicker than I could manage at her age. And it does make me very glad.

I also know that I shouldn't hang around this girl coz it puts my heart in danger. But I also want to salvage my friendship with her.