Long Distance Relationship while Abroad...Please help

[Hayden10]

I am currently en expat working and living abroad. I am 28 years old. I have been living in this country for two years and I am here for my third and last contract year, which will end next June. I was born in Europe and I went back to my home country to visit a couple of months ago. While I was staying with my family, I met a very kind and nice man there and we began a relationship.

He works for one of my aunt's businesses and is very nice, kind, and sweet. He went through a rough divorce with his ex-wife and sees his daughter a little, but not as much as he wants to. I have always planned on going back to my home country and teaching English there for a year, mainly because I could travel in Europe and visit other friends and family there. And added bonus would be having a relationship with him.

We have been touch ever since, we talk daily, but I have some reservations about the relationship. It stresses me out for a few reasons as I cannot see a comfortable place for us in the future for a few reasons. Even though I speak English, he does not, he speaks three languages other than English. He does not have a professions, which would allow him to work as freely in the U.S. as in the other country.

My aunt, who I love very much and who is very blunt and honest, told me one day, while speaking with her that she does not think out union will last because of the following reasons:

1. we are from two different worlds (I grew up in the U.S.)
2. He has already been divorced and she thinks that I should marry someone who doesn't have baggage
3. He probably likes me because I seem exotic to him.
4. There was a time that he really wanted to leave the country and live somewhere else, but he did not.

We have been together for about 6 months and he has made plans to visit me for Christmas, although he just bought a house and has just remodeled it, so he is not 100% sure if he can come visit me, but he will try to get the money for the whole trip.

I have thought about this many times and believe me, I am the LAST person on Earth who would have ever married a guy from another country who does not have a VISA. I understand my aunt's point of view and am slowly start to see that he is enchanted by the fact that I live abroad. I have questioned him repeatedly on this and told him flat out that he has to get a VISA on his own and that I will not marry him without it.

I feel that he truly is an excellent man, he has morals, he has already learned a bit about life, and I know that he would make a good husband and father and this is what I really want. But, I feel that a big part of me moving to Europe now would be to be with him. In order for me to teach English there, I have to take a course which costs $2,000 and the pay where I am going to isn't even that good. But, I would make enough money for traveling and just enjoying life for a year before I finally have to move back to the U.S.

I don't know what to think at this point, years ago when I was 22, it would have been obvious to me, but now as my friends are getting married and I met a man who respects me and treats me well, and who is romantic and caring (as I have a habit of not picking good man), I see something different.

What is your advice?

[smackie9]

I totally agree with your aunt. It may seem the right thing to you to be with him BUT your better judgement is being clouded by your emotions. There is a reason why you are here, you don't want to let go, but you know your aunt is right. When things start falling apart, (and they will) it will be painful and difficult to deal with. It would be best to think about what is best for you and not this relationship. You need to get yourself settle in your career before you will know what you will need for a relationship. There is too many cons and not enough pros to justify being with him and the sacrifice you will be making will not be worth it.

The only reason you are picking someone nicer is the fact you have finally grown up, have goals and priorities set up for your future...don't let this relationship get in the way of a successful career. In your travels you will have a chance to meet a man that is more suitable to your life style.

[cheekxs]

I think maybe one of the reasons you dont pick good guys is cause of the same mastake you are making right now.
By jumping into relationships and making plans while you barely know the guy.

Most of the times before a marriage comes to a divorce a lot happen.
And divorce is a huge thing and takes time for a person to get on track back .
Like emotionally and stuff.

How long did you speak to him when you where at your aunt place?
And he doesn't speak English so how do you both communicate? Since communication is the one first big important thing from day one and
for ever in a relationship!
If its not there cause of no good skills in it or cant speak the same lengues, it will bring a lot of troubles with it.

I think 6 months is exacly the start and period that people are crazy in love.
So now it will be almost only kissen and hugs and fun. But soon feelings will change if it last for years.\
And then the true colors will come out.

I think since he have a kid and dont see it that often i will get into the bottom of it and why he really divorced,
and how the relationship with the ex is right now and why?
And why he is not living in his own country!

Even thou i understand what you say about your clock is ticking, its not a reason to jump into stuff without screening it.
And to do it cause your friends did it all.
This dude is a lot of work, Cause a lot of things he is or have been true it can bring a lot of drama with it.
LIke you hear often of people doing bad stuff and running to another country. and is he interested in you or in what he can get from you?
Is he paying child support? Is there baby mama drama(shore will i think).

Dont go like a teenager and think in romance. But u are old so you need to think in serious stuff.
And dont trow away what your aunt told you. Keep it in the back of your head. Cause often when
people are in love they dont see the real picture. Or they dont take time to see it. So its great to
have people like a aunt, mom ,dad , friend that tells you or warn you from the start.
Its up to you to do with it what you want.

And you barely know the guy, so i would just get to know him, asking him questions, and go that far to
meet his family and friends so you can have a inside view of who and what. i think you shoulda have taking more time to know him before start a relationship.
So you can have a better view to his answers and behavior.

And shore in the first year everyone is in love and wants to show their best behavior. So shore he is a nice guy.
There is a old song that say: "take time to her(/him). google it.

And dont be afraid to ask painful questions! or hard questions. its your duty to do so!
You have to know what you are dealing with and who you are going to trust your heart with/.

[cheekxs]

..don't let this relationship get in the way of a successful career. In your travels you will have a chance to meet a man that is more suitable to your life style.

I agree with that!

[cheekxs]

And if i was him i would not mingle pleasure with business.
cause you are his boss family. if things go wrong it can take a heavy weight on him and his job.

[cheekxs]

pleasure= private life

[Hayden10]

Hey thanks for response guys. To clarify two things:

1. We both speak the same language.
2. He is in my home country, he did not jump countries. I visited where I am from and where he lives.

We knew each other shortly before we started going out, but now we know each other better. We talked about his divorce many times and I asked my aunt about it as well. It seems that what happened was that he wanted to settle down and he met his ex, they got married and everything was fine until she got pregnant and then her mother started to make problems for them. He discovered some things about her family that she was hiding and then, from what I know, he also showed me court records, that her and her mother have been trying to keep his daughter away from him, for no reason really. What I am afraid of is that his ex will make his life, maybe not ours, but if we were to get together she will use that against him.

Anyways, thanks for the advice. At this point I doubt that we will work out in the long-run, but I am now debating whether I should still move there just for fun, to be with family and to travel and then move back home for good. I think if we can have a relationship but nothing serious that it will be good, I'm just afraid for what might happen in the future.

[rafterman]

does not think out union will last because of the following reasons:

1. we are from two different worlds (I grew up in the U.S.)
2. He has already been divorced and she thinks that I should marry someone who doesn't have baggage
3. He probably likes me because I seem exotic to him.
4. There was a time that he really wanted to leave the country and live somewhere else, but he did not.

Your aunty is from the old school. Love is unconditional. If I was to choose a career over a woman, that would see me as an arsehole. Go with your gut feeling, I would'nt want to date a woman that cant make her own decisions, there's nothing more unattractive than a woman who has to run everything by someone else, to get their approval.
Too add..... your auntie's justification not to date him are pathetic, im sure she's no angel.

[cheekxs]

" Even though I speak English, he does not, he speaks three languages other than English."


Cause you wrote that, thats why i asked what do you speak to each other. right.

And i think you grown so its up to you to make the choices with your life.
And its weird how he is so innocent. I guess he is perfect and did noting wrong in the marriage..............yeah right.

Yo your problem , reading this i only see drama and coming up drama.

[rafterman]

[QUOTE=cheekxs;820041you speak to each other. right.

And i think you grown so its up to you to make the choices with your life.
And its weird how he is so innocent. I guess he is perfect and did noting wrong in the marriage..............yeah right.

Yo your problem , reading this i only see drama and coming up drama.[/QUOTE]

Yeah I would'nt listen to this this retard either.......she's got no idea. Even less than your Aunty, thats how bad it is.

[Petit Papillon]

What is the country? I'm just curious If it's Europe, he doesn't speak english and you wouldn't earn much money, I suspect my region lol ... or Spain

[Hayden10]

Thanks for the advice. I don't know if this will work out, I see that there is lots of work involved in the future, but I feel more comfortable dating someone who treats me nicely. Maybe I think like this because I have grown up, but why shouldn't I?

And Cheekxs, going to one extreme to other on every statement doesn't really sway anyone, and last time I checked 28 is not old, maybe it's the language that you use on here.

Napinacz, it is actually where you live. Yes, I know the money is not good.

[smackie9]

Now your aunt didn't say not to stop seeing him, just giving you an outsiders perspective.

Maybe if he can be convinced to step out of his comfort zone, he can learn to adjust to different surroundings. The best thing to do is to talk very openly about your doubts for the future about this relationship and maybe come to some kind of compromise. Hell maybe he can make some sacrifices, but for now you are going to have to be honest with him before this goes any further....you really owe it to him.

[Hayden10]

Hi Smackie,

I have been VERY honest with him. I have told him about my expectations on my future, I have told him that I can move to where he lives for maybe another year, but that I will eventually go back to living in the U.S. and that I am not really planning on bringing someone back with me.

I have also talked with him about the situation with his ex and his daughter. He has told me what happened in their marriage and I believe him because my aunt confirmed and told me the same things that he said. He also told him that when it comes to his daughter, he will not in any way get me involved if I don't want to be. He says that he understands how I feel. And if things don't work out in he long that we will still be friends and that I should not worry about anything.

I want to take my aunt's advice, but every time I get into a relationship, I will have my parents, or other people just not be supportive, so i end up feeling guilty. I'm just sick of listening to advice and still not being married at my age.

[smackie9]

If you know that marrying him is not in the cards......so why are you wasting your time again?