Sweet, sweet revenge. Well, not exactly.

[xElexis]

GO STRAIGHT TO THE BOLDED PARTS FOR THE REAL QUESTION, I JUST NEEDED SOME SPACE TO SPILL MY FEELINGS, BUT IT WOULD HELP IF YOU GET AN IDEA OF THE STORY, THOUGH. YOUR PATIENCE IN THIS MATTER IS VERY MUCH APPRECIATED. TRULY.

Everyone knows I live for love.

Two young adults. He was my first love, but I don't even know what I was to him. He had been in a few serious relationships, and God knows how many others had he dated before and that I could bet it was more or less around 10. Drinks, smokes, but a very intelligent guy indeed. He's charming, he's gentle, he's smooth and he's definitely an expert in this field. I've NEVER went out with any guy before, never had this close of an emotional/physical connection with anyone and definitely do not know what to expect or how to face the harsh realities of the world. We were never exclusive, had never made it official but were definitely more than friends for 10 months. Same college, same classes and we see each other almost everyday.

During our happier times, we've chatted for two whole months, 24/7. Went out only once and it was so awkward for me because from a rather naive point of view, I do not expect so much of intimacy during a person's first date. I was extremely shy, awkward and he was comfortable with his actions. He is crazily obsessed with horseback riding*. It was his passion, his hobby, his life. If he could, he would claim it as his wife, but it was only because he cared so much about his passion and he spends so much of time with it. In his 19 years of living, never had he met any girl who dares to ride with him, or took any interest at all. We share the same horse* every time we go riding. I was the only girl ever who had shared the same horse* with him so far, and he enjoys it when we go riding together. "It takes more for a person to share the same horse* than a bed with me" he said. I was special. He even switch his 6 months old horse* for a bigger, more comfortable one so that it would be more comfortable to accommodate the both of us when we go riding. I was the only girl he ever wrote two poems for, but yeah no biggie. Then..

Weeks passed and he finally break the news to me. "It's not you, it's me" Oh, couldn't he spare me the clichés at least? "I'm aggressive and I don't know if we could fit together. I want out before it gets harder, before one of us starts falling for the other." But it was too late, for me at least. "I don't want to hurt you, and I think you deserve better, and I would actually be happy to see you out there, being so happy with another guy who truly was made for you." There was definitely more than that but I took all of his words literally, only to realize months later that they were all lies.. that this is actually something that happens around us every single day. This man was a jerk, but I still care so much about him. That was like 3 months into our 'relationship', though of course it was never official.

We entered second term together, remained as friends, still do the occasional calls and chats, still went riding together, meet ups turned into a 'heaty session' which turned into lies and deceit. He called out, but I was still receiving mixed signals. We kissed, we touch but none of this ever in school grounds of course, you don't want people to start rumours and ruin his chance with other chicks. One minute he's hot, the next he was giving you the ultimate cold shoulder. You see him talking to a girl, next they were dating, days later you don't see them interacting no more and then he's back to you. Oh, lookie here, I just realized I was being the perfect backup-plan for any guy! Hah. He was my first, and I was affected hard, so hard in so many ways. I fell hard and deep and I was just so glad that I did not do it with him. Not gonna til I'm married. I still care for him and I love him so much that it shows through my face every time I see him and we both know it and there's nothing to hide, but it was just better to pretend that nothing happened. "Don't you care about me anymore?" Whenever he needs a favour. Hmph. Self-absorbed much.

He discusses a lot about horses* with me, but that's about it. It's been a month now since we graduated and we only met 3 times during the one month break. He's back studying now and I'm still at home waiting for my intake in the fall. He even let me ride his horse*, and for a person with zero knowledge in this area, I consider this a very big step for him. He never let anyone touches his 'baby', first time I rode it, I hurt it, it was a stupid mistake. I'm just glad he didn't do anything to me for it because it is his biggest passion in his life and not everyone can get this close to it.. but he was not mad and he understood. But after that, we never met. We grew apart, and we lost touch.

I still remember that last kiss. Months after he broke the news to me, he told me that sometimes he regretted that he pushed me away when it was obvious that I was still not over him. "I think I was wrong about you, Jane*" "But it's too late now." Because I'm going to further my studies overseas for a few years and he's staying. Well obviously from this post, it seems like he's taking advantage of my love for him because he knew that I would do anything for him. And he doesn't care for me, not much. But sometimes, it seems he do. Ah. And he's a total, utter jerk and I know this would never work out if he goes on like this. He sounds like a flirt, a big time player and trust me, he can get any girl to fall for him as long as he wants to. He fools around for a bit, and he moves on to the next. But he has been in a few long term relationships too. Anyhoo, I know I was in an unhealthy 'relationship', that's why I backed away eventually. People call me stupid, blinded but I see these crystal clear. They ask me to quit and I know I should have long ago. I try to think with my head in this, not my heart and it was the hardest thing to do. Up until today, my love for him is still strong and I really don't know why. Obviously he doesn't deserve it but you can't tell the heart what to do. If I ever find him in a life and death situation somewhere in this world, I would definitely catch the first flight there to help him. I haven't had a real heart-to-heart talk with him for months now and I think about him every day but I know he had moved on, fallen out of love ages ago and I pretended that I did too.

Our conversations nowadays were dry, boring and dull. It was just a one liner between the both of us, mostly about bikes, which doesn't last for longer than 5minutes.

Now I'm flying off and probably never seeing him ever again despite all the promises he'd made with me, that he would see me in the future and we would go riding together on our own separate horse*, that he would attend my wedding and I would attend his, we stopped talking earlier than I thought. He said he would keep in touch while I'm at overseas and he would come send me off at the airport. But looking at the situation as it is now, I don't think any of that would ever happen, and that's how I lost my first love. We're acting worse than strangers and it seems to give us this uncomfortable feeling now when we talk. I am saddened by this because he reassured me every day for months that he would see me off at the airport and now he doesn't even respond or return my calls.

And because I know we will always remember our first love, because it was that purest, sweetest feeling anyone could ever experience, that feeling that he wouldn't cheat on you, that you devote your 100% of trust and love to him, that you believe no one out there could be better than him, before it was scarred by the realities of life that love is not a fairytale, it is something you work together on.

I could just walk up and slap him, but that would be very unclassy.
He don't deserve this but I've made a promise to myself that I will finish a book for him. 50 thousand words, a journal I've been keeping since the start of the year. I wrote it all in my computer and I'm going to start transferring it into a book. I still have a month left before I drop it off with a last letter at his condo. I used to watch him at school every day, always on the look out for him, how I could relate so many things to him and how his actions have hurt me. Now before I come off as an obsessive psycho, my only intentions were to reveal everything to him and how much of an impact he has brought upon my life. How deep my love was for him and how much I thank him for what he taught me about life.

He will receive this package once I'm thousands of feet up in the air, on the way to a new country and he has all the time he wants to read it. I could expect a couple of reactions from him: 1. He'd love it/he'd rush to the airport to try his luck/ he'd give me a call about this/ he'll remember me for what I've done/ he'll keep the book until he dies OR 2. He'd hate it/freaked out by all the details and how much of a serial stalker I can actually be/burn it/read it halfway and dump it aside for his cat to chew. Either way, my intentions were clear and I do not hope for either one of it.

I just hope he understands how much he used to mean to me. And now that I'm out of town with a new focus, I can finally, finally move on. And all the bittersweet memories will be in that book.

So, I just want to know how would you feel if you were in his shoes? That one day you received an unexpected gift from an ex lover that you've fallen out of love with. That you only think of her as a normal friend now, but once shared a special moment with you long ago. A book, a journal containing all true feelings from a person. Would you freak out? Would you cry? Would you do anything about it? I'm just curious, since I don't think I would ever get back to a happy situation with him again.

Please let me know how you would feel about receiving this parting gift from a person?

*details were hidden for personal reasons

[searock]

Personally, I would return it. In any case, I wouldn't read it. I don't like dwelling in the past, what's done is done, it's much better to focus on the present and the future.

[xElexis]

But it's okay to dwell in the past once in a while right? :/ Whatever I do, I just don't want to give off a bad, last impression before I leave. Is there anyone else who wouldn't mind sharing how they would feel about this? :|

[xElexis]

Sigh, nobody's giving me their take on this? I guess I'll just send him something then.

[searock]

Your choice... I don't think it will help at all. If anything, it will make him think that you are still sad and a bit desperate over the break up, and it will hurt him, if he reads it (it will likely make him feel guilty and irritated). Is this what you want?

Why do you want him to have the diary? If you want him back, you should just tell him directly.

[xElexis]

I guess I just honestly, deep down inside really love him as a person but all he does was taking advantage of it without realizing. selfish, egoistic man. I don't want to hurt him. I guess I want him to see things from my perspective and hopefully learn and understand why I do things the way I do, hopefully if he sees his mistakes, he'll learn too. I've been so so so greatly affected in so many ways through this and the only way he'll find out is by reading it. How much of an importance he used to be. It's true he might feel irritated and guilty, but I know he's the kind who knows how to handle himself.

It's like an unreciprocated love thing, sort of, I don't know. I have no intentions of getting back together, but for him to realize and to never forget. We'll probably lose contact for the rest of our lives after this. After I fly off next month, we'll both be dead to each other.

You will always be reminded with the memories from your first love. I know I'll never forget him, and this is my way of making him to never forget me.

[searock]

You will always be reminded with the memories from your first love. I know I'll never forget him, and this is my way of making him to never forget me.

If you were his first love, he will not forget you by default (according to you), so there is no need to send him the diary. This is clearly not the reason.

I think you are just angry and hurt, and you want to get revenge, as you say in the title of this thread. But believe me, all this will do is make him pity you and feel irritated and annoyed. He is over you, he will always remember you (I don't think anyone forgets a person they've had a serious relationship with), but he just isn't in love with you anymore, so reading your words will not affect him as you wish they would. Surely he wants to move on (which does not mean he is going to forget you), so why torture him with memories of something that is OVER for good? He wants to move on, and so should you. Let it go.

[smackie9]

Personally it would creep me out, I would think you were pathetic and should get a life. Then I would send you a picture of me throwing it into the trash.

[smackie9]

It was a casual thing, he enjoyed your company...that is all he expected out of this. You on the other hand made it into this fairyland romance....it was all in your head dear. You made this thing into something it was not. He owes you nothing. You are putting yourself into this mess not him. That diary will make you look like an obsessive nut job and yes falling in love will do that to you. I bet he is giving a sigh of relief as you are off flying away to another land.

Tip: get a grip on your emotions before it destroys you. Hopefully down the road you will see how silly this all has been.

[cast no shadow]

Look, I can really see where you're coming from.
I fell inlove so hard and deep with a guy when I was studying abroad. He was my first also.
I knew that there is nothing really into it, but it didn't stop me from having all those feelings.
He also promised he will come visit, that we'll keep in touch.
Basically we mailed once a month or so, the last one was when he told me, in a really inconsiderate of my feelings way, that he has a new gf.

I still love him, no matter how much I try to move on.
What helps me, like you I guess, is to write.
I'm writing to him, to myself, to whoever.
I thought sometimes that one day I will show him what I wrote. To let him know I feel. That it will help me feel better, and that it will show him that even when he thinks that he is great (and he really thinks his perfect, and really he has his reasons) people, women, can get hurt. He told me about his former gfs so I know I'm not the only one.

But eventually I only post it online, never for him to see.
I know what his reaction will be. How he will roll his eyes, tell his present gf about how crazy and obsessive I am.
How he will say he feels sorry for me, and that he hopes one day I'll get over it. That he thought it was something casual for the both of us.

He didn't know he was my first, at least I think he didn't.
He did know I didn't have much experience dating, specially having a serious bf.
But yet, he knew how much I loved him and how hard it has been for me.
The way he treated me at the end and after I left showed he didn't care for it at all.

I decided not to give him the satisfactions as it will only hurt me at the end.
I don't think it will do any good for you as well.

Sorry for it coming long..

[xElexis]

Thanks a lot guys. I really appreciate it.

[IndiReloaded]

Too much drama. Don't send it, you'll regret it. I'll say it again: things like your diary should only be shared b/t two people who are very much in love and committed. Think very carefully about your motives for wanting to send such a thing. Check your navel, its not the reasons you've posted here, I think.

Words spoken are gone like wind, but words written are forever.

[xElexis]

Okay, I understand. Thanks.

[searock]

So what will/did you do?

[toknow]

I disagree with not sending it.

Pride is selfish, and you will not attract anyone showing how selfish you are - by trying to preserve your ego. There is no room for pride in a relationship. Love and pride can not coexist. Love will get rid of your pride, bring you down to your knees, and with ease. Pride, not to be confused with dignity. Pride is selfish, dignity is pure.

If you have those beautiful feelings for someone, show them. Give your love to your loved one unconditionally. By not showing them, you are hiding how affectionate, and loving a person you are - basically you are hiding your best qualities. He might get a big head from it now, but years from now he will probably regret losing someone who is capable of loving this way.

I also think by doing this you'll feel a sense of closure. You've done everything you could, you've shown the way you can love him, and probably in a way which no one else will love him, and he will probably figure this out later on and possibly not be able to forget you for the rest of his life. You couldn't do worse to him if you tried...lol. Though this is not your intention, if he realizes how valuable it is to have someone like you and that no one has, or is capable of loving him as much as you; not being with you will torment him every time he thinks of you.