I hope you can give advice, everyone!

[SleeplessHeart]

Good evening.

I am currently in a "wait" stage with my former fiance, because current events has driven her away from me.
I have been with her for about 4 years now, which has been rough since we live in seperate countries, and during these years i have hidden behind a wall of lies and deceit.
I cheated on her, i lied to her and i have failed as a fiance, more as a human being.
The thing is, i have been given the last chance of my life with her to make it right, to fix this all and to fix myself.

I love her, i have always loved her, and i will forever. The only problem has been that over the years, i havent seemed to WANT to stop cheating, because of that thrill-ride of her not knowing about it.
I have learned that of myself, i admit to it that i am a disgusting piece of... well, you know. (Trying to keep it PG).
I also acknowledge that i need to change, both for her and for myself, but i have absolutely NO idea of how to start!
Do i soulsearch? Do i climb every mountain? Say a thousand Hail Mary's?
I have absolutely no clue.

So therefor, i humbly stand myself in front of you, Forum. Because there has to be someone out there that knows some way of cleansing out yourself and changing as a person.

What would you think?
What would you do if you were me at this point?

I sincerely hope there are someone out there with the answers to this, because i can't lose her. I just can't.

Hope to hear from some of you soon.

[IndiReloaded]

Bump for HIA. Wait for him to post, OP, he's someone who can give you some good advice.

[SleeplessHeart]

Ah, alright! Thank you very much, Indi!

[iamaninnocentma]

How about acting like a real man and forgetting about it. All men cheat on their women, especially if shes in another country. If she knows, then im afraid its unlikely she will ever forget about it, and will make you suffer until your final breath. Women dont forgive infidelity. They might pretend to, but they just keep you close so they can torture you.

If youve said sorry to her, then just leave it at that. If you start begging her to take you back, you will give her all the power and you might as well chop your balls off now. Leave the ball in her court. The only way to cleanse your conscience, is if she comes back to you without you pressuring her. But like indi says, its probably best to wait for a patronising yank for some real advice.

[IndiReloaded]

Troll^. One of our favourites, but best taken w/salt.

[iamaninnocentma]

wtf, i was being serious for a change. Some good stuff in there.

[SleeplessHeart]

I'll give it to ya, Mr. Innocent. That was some mighty strong words, but i'm going to have to kindly disincline to your advice. Perhaps another time for another cause, but thanks for dropping by!

[iamaninnocentma]

I'll give it to ya, Mr. Innocent. That was some mighty strong words, but i'm going to have to kindly disincline to your advice. Perhaps another time for another cause, but thanks for dropping by!

**** you buddy, Stay in your room crying then. No skin off my hooter.

[smackie9]

wtf, i was being serious for a change. Some good stuff in there.

Ya there was some good stuff in there...I have to agree women don't really forgive the infidelity. In fact it will be brought up in heated arguments for year to come. I am speaking as a female, I was in this position with my ex....I never really got over it back then. 25 years later I understood why and accept it as "one of those things that just happen. BUT I should never have returned to the relationship....I was young and stupid.

[smackie9]

Ok Sleeplessheart, now that you are willing to give up your infidelity for this woman....what are you going to to replace this "thrill" you had when you were cheating on her? Obviously a monogamous relationship will bore you to tears. What are you going to do to deal with this? I suggest seeing a relationship counselor first to get to the root of your deceit before making any promises to your fiance...you own it to her don't you think?

[HeartIsAching]

Good evening.

I am currently in a "wait" stage with my former fiance, because current events has driven her away from me.
I have been with her for about 4 years now, which has been rough since we live in seperate countries, and during these years i have hidden behind a wall of lies and deceit.
I cheated on her, i lied to her and i have failed as a fiance, more as a human being.
The thing is, i have been given the last chance of my life with her to make it right, to fix this all and to fix myself.

I love her, i have always loved her, and i will forever. The only problem has been that over the years, i havent seemed to WANT to stop cheating, because of that thrill-ride of her not knowing about it.
I have learned that of myself, i admit to it that i am a disgusting piece of... well, you know. (Trying to keep it PG).
I also acknowledge that i need to change, both for her and for myself, but i have absolutely NO idea of how to start!
Do i soulsearch? Do i climb every mountain? Say a thousand Hail Mary's?
I have absolutely no clue.

So therefor, i humbly stand myself in front of you, Forum. Because there has to be someone out there that knows some way of cleansing out yourself and changing as a person.

What would you think?
What would you do if you were me at this point?

I sincerely hope there are someone out there with the answers to this, because i can't lose her. I just can't.

Hope to hear from some of you soon.

Bad news and blunt observations first:

You can't just "change", or at least most people can't. Your fiancee knows this and disbelieves you. The reason you've kept doing what you were doing was that there were no consequences. Now that there's been a consequence, you're desperate to prove to her that you've changed. I've got news for you brother - you haven't. I can almost guarantee that if she took you back, in other words negating the consequence, that sooner or later you'd do it again.

Now the good news:

There is hope, but it's something you REALLY have to want. Get some domestic violence counseling. Find out why you do the things you do. Find out how many different kinds of abuse there are - and believe me they're not limited to physical. Get this - cheating is almost always a result of insecurity. Mine certainly was. So get the training, and don't just go to please her, embrace it. Learn your motivations, and other people's motivations. Learn to figure out people's intentions on certain acts - it will change your reactions when you know what they really intended versus your own warped view. Learn to communicate effectively; this is probably your best tool in relationships.

Start with a [URL="http://www.iqln.com/family/QLN_Family_09.asp"]Four Part Apology[/URL] to your fiancee. For the "fix it" phase of the apology, tell her that you're getting help. I suggest something like the following:

I know that I hurt you when I cheated and lied to you, and I realize that I may have ruined any chance of reconciliation. Is there anything I can do to make it right? I have begun (or am beginning) counseling, and in future I will no longer cheat on you or lie to you."

Now, you MUST MUST MUST actually go get counseling and you must embrace it if you're willing to do so. If you're not, then I suspect you don't really love her and in fact just feel a sense of ownership - something a lot of men in particular (but not just men) feel in their relationships. There are no guarantees that she'll accept your apology, and even worse, there's no guarantee that she'll ever trust you again. Once gone, trust is the hardest thing to get back in a relationship, and it's the most crucial ingredient. Without it you've got nothing worth saving.

[iamaninnocentma]

Jesus wept........

[HeartIsAching]

Jesus wept........

The irony is thick with this one.

[smackie9]

Oh it's all fun and games.......

[IndiReloaded]

Too much 'truth' for the OP? Well, perhaps he just needs time to digest HIAs advice.