12 years on. Should I still say sorry?

[7normanhurst]

OK, so in short, 12 years ago I ended a relationship with let's call her Jenny for the sake of argument. I was in a horrible place at the time, self harming, drinking too much. I had an incredibly intense relationship with Jenny and the most amazing, emotional, almost spiritual sex life. I ended it after 6 months because just before I got together with Jenny I had been dumped by the only woman I had ever loved, the only woman who ever broke my heart, let's call her Penelope, and nothing measured up to Penelope in my mind. I know that Jenny was utterly in love with me. She was devastated by our break up, and when I tried to get in touch 6 months later to catch up, she had pulled down the emotional shutters and I couldn't even get a response, after one message on her voicemail she changed her number, her defense mechanism I guess. But via the miracle of modern technology, she's on Facebook.

So here's my question, do I have a right to send this message below? Should I, or given that it was me that dumped her, should I just accept the fact that I will have to live with the guilt that I know I caused her terrible pain. Please help. It's been eating away at me for years, and I don't know what to do.

"Hello Jen

I know I have no right to send you this message but despite the realisation that this is a highly selfish act I feel like I have reached the point where I have no choice.

Every single day since the last time I saw you I have thought about you at some point. I have thought about how I hurt you, how I let you down and how I deserted you at a point in our relationship when running away to New Zealand in a vain attempt to "find myself" should not have been the answer to my problems. You bore the brunt of other issues I was trying to deal with at the time and you didn't deserve it. I'm sorry I couldn't be stronger, I'm sorry I couldn't do better by you. That’s at the heart of what I wanted to say to you, even after all these years.

We had a wonderful, treasured time together and shared an intimacy the likes of which I have never experienced before or since. I am privileged to have been so close to such a bright, beautiful and emotionally intelligent woman as you and this selfish message probably stems from the guilt I still feel about the pain that I know I caused you.

I hope above everything that you are happy and if nothing else I take heart in the fact that our paths crossed in this sometimes stupid and complicated, sometimes exhilarating and breathtaking world, even if it was only for a short while. Thank you for choosing to spend that short while with me. While I know that I ****ed things up beyond belief, I won't ever forget it.

With much love

N"

[Sonrisa]

You'll be sending the message to make yourself feel better. She is not getting anything out of it.

[7normanhurst]

True maybe. But if it was me, I can't help but feel I would like to get that message from the girl who broke my heart. It almost would feel like an acknowledgement of the pain she caused me. Maybe I'm just guilty of assuming she would feel the same as me.

[Sonrisa]

trust me, if she went as far as to change her phone number, she doesn't want to hear anything from you

[7normanhurst]

You're right. It's not the answer I wanted but you're right. Thanks.

[Maple1714]

Contact her immediately! I was the Jenny to a guy...almost the exact same situation! When I read your post it was like I was reading my own story. I have always wanted an email like the one you wrote from the guy. I was so in love and heartbroken. I have heard through the grapevine that he knows he messed up...and he told me once his broken heart from the previous women kept him from me...but I still want more validation I guess, that there wasn't something wrong with me. Jenny cutting you off was her way of protecting herself. Please write to her...it could make all the difference.

[smackie9]

OMG are you serious!!!? So you want to contact her so she can be reminded of those horrible feelings again, and relive the experience you put her though?? It's good that you have recovered and are living a better life BUT you are an idiot to put her through that again. She has since moved on and is now living a perfectly peaceful life without that memory....so why take her there again!

[surfhb]

The fact you would contact an ex with that letter 12 YEARS later is beyond creepy and Id say you need professional help. Seriously Bro....get help before you go shoot up an elementary school at recess time or something similar. Jeesh! Crazy world we live in!!

[jetta86s]

You'll be sending the message to make yourself feel better. She is not getting anything out of it.

I think that is his whole idea. I think its better to give it a try. Who knows?

[Maple1714]

If you have something positive to say and something that comes from a place of love...tell the person! You never know when you will have the chance again. What if she deletes her Facebook page tomorrow and moves to another country and gets married...and changes he name. She will be lost to you for another 12yrs. Express yourself! I am pretty sure it will make her feel good to know you have been thinking about her for so long and that you have always been sorry.

[7normanhurst]

Thanks everyone, I guess you've covered both sides of it really. All I want to do it let her now how I am sorry for what I did to her. Like one or two of you have said though, I can't help feel it's more about me than her. I'm looking for a response from her of "OK, thanks for letting me know and I'm over you now", but that is pure selfishness is it not? Do I just have to learn to live with the mistake I made? I'm certainly not expecting anything to "happen" as a result of this or for us to get back together. I'm just trying to second guess her reaction. If it will upset her all over again then I can't send her the letter. 12 years on, she may have forgotten all about me and it would just wash over her. Maple1714 - you sum it up perfectly. It does come from a place of love, but if it's going to cause more pain then I have to just accept the fact that I mustn't contact her ever again.

[searock]

OP, receiving such a message would only make her think back to all the pain, and I assure you, it's not something she wants to do. Leave her alone, you've done enough already.

[surfhb]

Not only is it selfish but it's cruel as well.

Jeeez man.....stop being a weirdo. You only knew this girl six months and this was 12 years ago. If she had any kind of normal life she's doesn't even remember you're name. Let it go already. Has this been the most significant relationship you've had all these years?

[7normanhurst]

I take your point. Since you ask, no its not the only relationship I've had in those years. This is why I don't understand why I just can't get it out of my head. Fact is, it was an incredibly intense relationship that should have gone further than it did. I messed up big time and never had the chance to say sorry. I do agre with many of the replies though, it would just dig up feelings she has tried hard to bury. That's what I was trying to understand.

[oldskool83]

its been 12 years, get over it bud. she prob married or somthing and now you want to stir the pot. join a dating site and speack to fresh women.