How do I believe her

[Shocked guy 43]

Hello,*

I'm a guy that has recently discovered my partner's cheated on me and would really appreciate a woman's perspective on this, an honest one. So please bare with me as its a long story.*

I have been with my partner for 14 months, having met working together. We continue to work together but I know that's been difficult as I we have had to restrict our relationship at points due to nature of our work.*

Two weeks ago, we were due to go to my partners friends wedding, however I could not go due to work. We had spoke at length about it and it caused some discussion but not great arguments. We had some arguments over her use of Facebook, and some guy emailing her, random guy from a night out but nothing oppressive.*

We had returned From a holiday, on the night before wedding, a truly lovely holiday. We had great sex life and our messages to each other were so so strong.*

On the morning of wedding, I said I should have been going with her as it was her birthday and asked her to just enjoy herself but not hurt me. She said that she could never look at another man never mind touch one.*

She went to the wedding, but I must admit that during texts exchanges later that day, I got a bit moody that I wasn't there with her. Ok yes it was an argument by text.*

Somehow at about 2am, some guy who had been chatting her up all day, tried to kiss her. My partner told me she was not drunk but allowed him to for over five mins. She then stated that she realised it was wrong and went back to the bar.*

Several more kisses occurred, at one point her friend the bride telling her that she should get a taxi home now. However in stead of going home, she stayed later. At 3.30 the guy suggested he go back to her house but she said absolutely not.*

The guy then suggested getting a room which she claims she stated no twice. The third time she agreed and they checked into the hotel, both splitting the bill.*

My partner states that she had agreed to stay over but claimed that nothing would happen. They went to the room, him asking on the way was she ok with going through with this. She said yeah.*

Once in the room, she stated that she told him she couldn't but somehow he convinced her it would be ok and they started kissing again. She removed his shirt and trousers and then sat on bed. Kissing again she then stood and took her dress off. She states they got on the bed, embracing for a while before he tried to take off her knickers.*

It was at this point she states that she panicked and told him to get off her. She left the bed and saw that I had responded to a text of hers. She stated she became hysterical with guilt and regret and crying sat in her underwear. But instead of going home to her house which is only two miles away, she said he convinced her to sleep in bed as it was five in morning.*

She claims that nothing happened, that they did not even touch each others private parts. I don't believe her, she would not even get undressed in front of a stranger nevermind sit in front of him in underwear crying for an hour.*

I can't *believe her. Did she have sex? Why is she minimising the level of sexual contact? Why did she just not go home?

She has ruined us and also her friend whose wedding it was is also disgusted at her. It is so out of character. She is 34 and a professional woman.*

Please help. Thank you

[smackie9]

Dude the reality is that she has emotionally already left your relationship. She is no longer fulfilled or satisfied. She is just having trouble understanding these feelings and doesn't know how to deal with it. She likes the idea of the security of your relationship but it's leaving her flat and unhappy. Now that she has tipped the scales with this fling and whatever flirtations she's been having on the net it is now evident that she wants to move on. Her mistake is her mistake....she is just going to have to deal with the guilt herself....so sorry for your loss.

[IndiReloaded]

What difference does it make? If her story is true, she's a piece of work. If she's lying, she's no better. A 34 year old professional doesn't behave like this. Try to see what is, not what you'd like it to be.

[Shocked guy 43]

Thanks for responses so far. Just need to know the truth. It's more likely they did have sex. What made it worse was that it tool me to catch her out over nine days. She eventually admitted that she had shared a room but slept in single beds with her dress on. It was only when I called the hotel that I got the latest version

[smackie9]

Dude just take it for what it is and get the f uck out of there. Stop torturing yourself. You already know this relationship is done, so in order to start the healing process you need to let go.

[zaccarus]

Mate, in my experience women who cheat will lie constantly and minimise everything. I think it's because they don't want to be viewed in a bad light even though they have done wrong. For example I challenged my ex about messaging a guy, she denied it and when I said that I'd seen the message she minimised by saying it was to do with work (she said she would go and see him so they could be filthy) so not work. You won't get the answers you are looking for and have to accept that. You need to move on by yourself and find someone who is worthy of your love. You feel played and that is a natural reaction to your situation. Don't beat yourself up this was HER doing.

[haxan]

Some women just like to seize the moment, like men. She had an easy NSA romp at her disposal and took it. Look at it as more of a character issue with her, not a failure on your part. Also, don't get mesmerized by this idea that you have a great sex life. Maybe for you, you do. For her, she obviously wants to see what other men are willing to do to her.

She's a terrible liar also, based on the pile of shit she told you.

[Shocked guy 43]

So I take it you all think that she did THE deed? She has been really apologetic and in fairness extremely supportive. However I just can't get my head round it all. The what happened and why.

[lister79]

Your lucky she came out with that much unlike mine!!! still lying through her teeth...I know what your saying though..you just want the truth, like me, then I can make a real dicision based on real facts...I believe evryone makes mistakes and everyone deserves a chance, only issue is, like me, you have to think long and hard about if she will do it again, will you trust her again...no trust=no relationship...thats the big question..

[Shocked guy 43]

Further update which i need help on. The tale my partner has told me so far was that this guy was a nobody, nothing to look at and nothing about him. Didnt say where he was from or what he did as a job. Yet i find photos of the wedding where it happened and he. like my girlfriend, was a guest all day including the ceremony. And there he is in his Royal Navy Officer uniform with more medals than you can think of. So my partner states she did not see anyone in uniform, and when she was introduced to him he was just in white shirt and black trousers, nothing special. So I am expected to believe that she had no idea he was in Navy, that he only said two lines to her that she was pretty and passionate about her job, that he was shit in the bedroom and did not get past stroking her in her underwear before she panicked and backed out? Now I consider myself to be a man of the worl and every military type ive ever met, uses their position to impress girls and cant for the life of them not talk about their job. Please help me, I know the answe though...... get rid of her?

[Shocked guy 43]

I just don't have belief and if that isn't there then I can't trust her can I? All she does is get angry when I ask her about it.

[smackie9]

It's all up to you now...whatever you decide........


IMO, it doesn't matter whether she had sex with him or not. You should be looking at the big picture here, she let herself be in that position. That right there speaks volumes and also the fact that you are discovering that she refuses to be 100% honest with you. She keeps down playing it because she trying to hide what happened. You have had plenty of time to think about this. She went astray because she is unsatfied with your relationship. Why do you keep poking at this with a stick....

[Cerulean.]

OP, you have gotten the answer several times from several responders. We're telling you to NOT focus on if she had sex with him or not... that doesn't matter. She did you wrong. PERIOD. Please get out of this relationship NOW and don't look back. She's a liar. And no, she's not professional. Not after this incident. Either way, you are never going to trust her (which, you shouldn't...) so this relationship is done. Over. Fanito. GET OUT OF IT.

PS. This was a girl's opinion.

[weathergirl]

OP - Like the others, I agree that the bottom line should not be whether they had sex or not. She doesn't like talking about it because it's not as clear cut as she makes out - it is uncomfortable for her to speak about it. I'm sure she also gets defensive. From my own experience - after something like this, trust is not easy at all to get back, and it takes only suspicion, not even proof to destroy it.
At the end of the day, you are in the relationship, and you probably want to beleive what she is telling you, but like the others say, look at the bigger picture. I wish you well.