would you stay or would you go?

[searock]

I know I'm silly to still be worrying about this, which is hardly an actual problem. But I can't help thinking about it sometimes, and this is one of those times. My boyfriend and I (both 22 years old) have a wonderful relationship. We have been together for a little over an year and we've been best friends for 3 years before getting together. He is a good, sweet guy, he treats me right, we have great communication and I love him very much. However... he isn't in love with me.

He never told me that he loves me (I have told him at least 2 times that I do). Today, we were talking about a friend of us who has broken up recently, and the conversation moved to the more general issue of "true love". We agreed on the fact that it's rare to find a person that you really truly love, it happens only once or twice in life. However, he said that two persons can be together even if they don't feel "true love" for each other, and they can still be happy. He said that while "true love" may be the "best" under certain aspects, other types of love can be better under other aspects. It was clear from the way he talked and the things he said that he was talking about our relationship, and how I am not one of those rare persons that he (is going to) truly loves in his life. He said that it can happen for a guy to just wake up in the morning and realize that he can't imagine being without his girlfriend, and that means that he loves her, even if he doesn't "truly love" her. I know he was talking about himself with me. I told him that "true love" isn't just about dependence, and that, for example, I can't imagine being without my brother, but it doesn't mean that I "truly love" him (in the romantic sense - in our language there are two different terms to describe the two types of love). He agreed.

He basically said that it's extremely rare to find true love. I agreed 100% and I told him that I found it with him. He didn't say it back and he said that other types of love can be good too.

I don't know what to do, because our relationship is really great. We have fun, we have great sex, we joke and laugh and do things together, we could talk for ages (remember we started off as best friends). But this thing... it just really nags at me sometimes. I have trouble expressing how I feel to him, because I know that he doesn't feel the same and I don't want to make a fool of myself. Also, I don't want to pressure him into saying things that he doesn't feel or to make him feel guilty for not feeling them, and finally, I don't want to make a fuss out of silly things as this, when everything else is going well. But yeah, sometimes I just feel like something is missing and sometimes I wonder if I should walk away from this relationship. My dream is to be in a relationship with someone that I truly love and who truly loves me. I know that if I left, I would leave behind the best relationship I've ever been in up till now, I would leave a wonderful guy whom I love with all my heart, and all just to follow a silly fairy tale dream. Besides, I know that I would be devastated if I broke up with him, which would mess up other aspects of my current life which I can't afford being messed up right now. So in the end I just laugh at myself and tell myself to stop being so naive and just enjoy what I do have, instead of wanting more and more, perhaps even something impossible.

I guess what I'm asking is, what would you do if you were in a wonderful relationship with a guy (girl) you truly loved, but who didn't truly love you back (I'm using the corny expression "true love" to refer to deep romantic love, as opposed to the love between a mother and child or brother and sister, etc, or even affectionate love between a guy and a girl, but not of the deepest kind)? Would you stay or would you go?

[nocluewhattodo]

I wouldnt leave a great relationship with someone I love if I was happy in it, men are notoriously unable to articulate feelings properly, he has sort of said that he does love you in his own way, maybe it just isnt what he thinks its supposed to feel like and therefore believes it isnt true love. It may be a more honest and respectful sort of love than the core shaking lust he has read about

[searock]

I wouldnt leave a great relationship with someone I love if I was happy in it, men are notoriously unable to articulate feelings properly, he has sort of said that he does love you in his own way, maybe it just isnt what he thinks its supposed to feel like and therefore believes it isnt true love. It may be a more honest and respectful sort of love than the core shaking lust he has read about

Thank you for your advice :-). The only thing I have to add is that he has a pretty clear idea of what "true love" is, he believes that he has felt it for his ex girlfriend... and what he feels for me is different.

[nocluewhattodo]

and it didnt work out with the ex so perhaps what he felt was rust and it just wasnt solid enough to last

[searock]

That's true :-)... so then why does he still think that *that* was true love and that what he feels for me isn't? :-(

[Bewsh]

You've helped me out a bit the past few days, I think it's time I return the favour

Personally, if I was happy in the relationship I would stay. I mean, if you love him, why throw something away if it's going well? I can imagine how irritating it could get if you keep wanting him to say it, but I think if you just leave him to dwell on it over however long, it may just click for him. Maybe something happened to him before and now he's maybe a bit reluctant to accept how he is truly feeling?

Personally I know quite a few guys who find it difficult to accept how they feel. I don't understand it myself, but I think it could be something to do with how a lot of guys don't find it 'manly' to accept that they're in love. That's just my thoughts on it though

All the best

[nocluewhattodo]

because he is a bloke! He hasnt said he is leaving you or doesnt want to be with you, he just didnt realise how hurtful his words were at the time (because he is a man and their brains dont work that way) Being a man he will assume that love will feel exactly the same with each person you meet because their range of feelings are pretty much happy, not happy, tired, hungry, horny.

[cheekxs]

did not read your topic, but just by the question if u have to ask us if you have to stay or go its clear to me that u know u have to go!

[searock]

Thank you guys :-).

Bewsh, you're right, I don't want to leave... everything else is going so well, it's just this little thing that keeps bugging me... It is definitely true that he isn't the type of guy who enjoys talking about his feelings, and yes, his experience with his ex left him quite traumatized - he was more in love with her than she was with him and he suffered a lot because of it, and now I'm pretty sure that he's afraid of letting himself go again... so he just doesn't do it. I guess I just have to hope that some day he will get over his emotional trauma and let himself go with me. Do you think it's possible that it might just take time? He always talks about his relationship with his ex (the rare times we talk about it) as if it was this incredibly deep true love that will never end, no matter how much time goes by and despite the fact that he has no intention to get back together with her. He says that he is happy with me and wants to be with me, and he knows that it would never work out with his ex so he doesn't want to go back to her, but then he says that to some extent, he will never stop having feelings for her, because "once you truly love someone, it never goes entirely away". I know what he means, I was in love with a guy once when I was 14/15, he was my "first true love" and to this day I still have some feelings for, well, the memory of him (I haven't seen him since ages). So I know what he means, it's normal. The thing that bothers me is that he doesn't feel the same way about me :-(. He says that it's better in many ways... but I want true love, not some "better type of love" that isn't true, deep, love. It's hard to even talk to him about it because I feel rather silly...

nocluewhattodo, you made me LOL ;-)! You have a very good point there! He had such a hard time accepting that what he felt for me was actually love, it was only in these past few months that he started considering the fact that it was just a "different type of love" (before this, he thought that it wasn't love at all, not romantic at least). It's just that to me, "true love" is the type of love that, at least in the beginning, leaves you so violently struck and in awe, that you have no doubts at all! This is what makes me think that he's actually right, it isn't true love... otherwise, he would have no doubt about it, would he? He wouldn't have to over-analyze his feelings so much...

cheekxs, if you read the topic you'll know that it's not like that :-).

[vashti]

I think you are too young to settle for a man that isn't crazy about you.

BTW - your situation reminds me of the movie "Jerry McQuire", where Renee Zellwegger breaks off with Tom Cruise when she realizes that he doesn't love her, but rather likes her a whole lot.

[D e L]

I wouldnt leave a great relationship with someone I love if I was happy in it, men are notoriously unable to articulate feelings properly, he has sort of said that he does love you in his own way, maybe it just isnt what he thinks its supposed to feel like and therefore believes it isnt true love. It may be a more honest and respectful sort of love than the core shaking lust he has read about

I agree with this... maybe he was just hurt really bad and cant put himself out there yet... who knows what tomorrow will bring. I understand that it makes you feel vulnerable in a way, but that certainly not worth ending an otherwise healthy relationship.

That's true :-)... so then why does he still think that *that* was true love and that what he feels for me isn't? :-(

How did thinks end between him and his ex? Was he really hurt? Did he get closure? He very well still be harboring unresolved issue from that relationship... even if they are subconscious.

[searock]

Thank you, vashti. I know what you mean, and rationally I agree with you... but then there are two main reasons for me not wanting to leave:

1) What if I don't find anyone whom I love and who loves me back? And what if I do find someone like that, but our relationship sucks and I will only suffer? I will have left behind the love of my life and a wonderful relationship for nothing. But yeah, this alone isn't a good enough reason.

2) Our relationship makes me SO happy. I am satisfied and serene and joyful just thinking about us. We have so much fun together, I can totally see myself spending my life with him, and this has never happened to me before. I've never wanted to get married or "settle down", but with him, I can actually see it happening. I think he is "the one", he understands me so well and I understand him, I've never communicated so well with anyone else. Even the sex is great! There is nothing wrong in our relationship that I can put my finger on, except for the "true love" thing. When I don't think about it, I have no worries at all. To him, it's not even an issue at all. Basically everything screams to me "what you have is wonderful, stop worrying". So in the end I always do. Also because if I were to break up, it would be so devastating for me.

Basically what I'm saying is that if I had an actual reason, for example if he cheated on me (emotionally or physically), or treated me wrong in other ways (for example ignoring me or being controlling, etc), then it would be so much easier to walk away. But to walk away while everything is just so good... I know that I would regret it, I would always wonder "what if I had stayed with him, he MIGHT have truly loved me some day and now I will never know". All I can hope for is that... either he falls in love with me some day, or I fall out of love with him.

[vashti]

Searock, I am not trying to minimize your angst, but really... you ARE only 22, and *everyone* worries about not finding the right partner. If you were in your mid 30s with a couple of kids, or extremely unattractive, I would give your concerns a bit more weight, but you aren't. (Well, I don't know what you look like, but I doubt you are ugly).

He isn't your last shot.

[searock]

D e L, I totally agree. His relationship with his ex hurt him a LOT. He was traumatized as I said, and now he is extremely cautious when it comes to letting himself go. He did have unresolved issues, especially during the first months of our relationship he kept thinking about her and feeling guilty (he basically broke up with her because theirs was a long distance relationship that wasn't working out at all, she would refuse to talk with him on the phone and when he went back home she would refuse to meet up with him, eventually he could take no more, I'm talking 3 years of this!). Eventually it got better and better, and now he barely thinks about her at all, and when he does it's with acceptance, it's something in his past. But some of the underlying issues (for example the fact that unconditional love has made him suffer so much and for so long) have remained, even if mitigated.

What gives me hope is that there seems to be a constant progress. A couple days ago we were lying in bed and he told me as he hugged me, "there are many things I would like to tell you... but I'm shy". I smiled and told him "go on, tell me..." he was silent for a bit, as if he were struggling to speak but couldn't, and then he held me close and looked at me and just said "thank you...". It was such a sweet moment! He is almost always with his guard up so to speak, so whenever moments like that happen, my heart melts XD. So... I'm hopeful that some day, some how... our feelings might just be the same.

[searock]

Vashti, what you say makes a lot of sense, thank you. I'll definitely keep that in mind, it's rational and good advice.