Depressed and running out of options, need advice!

[tanderson]

Hi Guys! After reading for a few days I've finally decided to sign up and ask you guys for some advice. This is an amazing forum and I hope to find some advice regarding this difficult situation I'm in.

(Going to be kind of long so I apologize in advance!)

Let me begin by introducing myself - I'm a male, in my late 20's, me and my girlfriend have been dating for 3.5 years hitting 4 in November. I met my girlfriend through mutual friends 3 and half years ago while studying at the same university as her. We hit it off really well and dated for about 7 month before she had to drop out due to financial difficulties. She came from a very bad and abusive family that she pretty much had to run from. So by the time financial aid stopped supporting her, she had to move out of the dorms and was literally homeless - she had no one to fall on and nowhere to go. Naturally I asked her to move in with me since we were pretty involved already. I was living with my mother at the time and she agreed to have my girlfriend live with me after knowing the circumstances. Ever since then, we've pretty much been living in my bedroom like an efficiency.

Fast forward 3 years - Today, we're still living in my mother's house, same bedroom. We've had our ups and downs like every other relationships but overall we're pretty much committed. I've always been the "support" of the relationship, providing for the both of us financially. She's had jobs here and there but nothing has lasted more than 6 months and she's been unemployed for about a year now. She says she doesn't want a "dead end job", she want's to work in her career and it takes time to find a position. I quit going college a few months ago and already I'm starting to climb steadily into my career, I'm starting to make more money but at the same time our spending has also increased.

I've been depressed, at first I didn't know why, then recently it hit me - At this point looking back at the 3 years we've been together, looking all the money I've spent supporting the 2 of us, at the fact I have a full time 9-5 job while she sits at home with all the free time I wish I have. I've been gaining weight and its been lowering my self confidence, and on top of that at some point in the past year, her sex drive has been drastically lowered, and I've been finding myself rejected times and times again and it really hurts. Affected by all this, I've been feeling less and less enthusiastic about doing anything and everyday just feels the same. We've had "talks" before, in fact a few times - that we're going to make it work, I'm going to lose weight, that she's going to try and find a job, we're going to be more romantic and physical. Every time we have a "talk" she gets really depressed, apologizes and cries, etc and I feel like absolute shit, but months later and I don't feel any improvement at all. Every time I pay for something (for her or us) nowadays I get that uneasy feel in my stomach like I'm being lived off of and its slowly eating away my spirit.

I know most of you right now are like: "Then break it off already!" But as I mentioned earlier, she moved in with me because she had no where else to go, her parents live in another state and are not taking her back. If I kick her out she will be homeless and I can't make that decision. At one point I had thought of just giving her $5,000 and sent her off on her own, but I know her, if she's been depending on me for the past 3 years and if I cut her off now she's not going to be able to survive, I'm afraid she's going to kill herself. I love the woman very much, I really care for her, but I can't live like this anymore. It's sad that I'm turning 30 and I still live in an efficiency in my mother's house! I've been wanting to move out of this house but I can't afford to pay for rent and everything else all by myself!. At this point I've lost a lot of hope for this relationship, I'm tired of having "talks" over and over again, I feel that I've done so much for us and I'm not getting the equal in return. I feel like I'm more of a guardian or parent than a significant other, its all adding up and making me depressed, negative, and sometimes short tempered and angry.

So here's my story, of course there are much more details but I've tried my best to compress and list all the main points. I'm sorry if its depressing to read, I don't have anyone to vent or talk to and I can't find a solution on my own. I'm at a stalemate, at this point I'm 50/50 on the relationship. So please, if there's any advice you guys can think of or suggest it would be greatly appreciated!! I'm open to answer any questions!

[limegreen_jello]

She should really have the respect for herself and for you to see what she's become and what a burden she is on you - why don't you give her an ultimatum? Get a bunch of newspapers and give her the wanted ads, and tell her that she needs to get a job, any job, within 30 days. If she really tries and doesn't land one - fine. But if she doesn't even make an effort, then she is really not your problem. In my late teenager years I had no parents and no home either, I started out with 1000$ in savings and I managed to get by fine. She needs to grow up.

[Lobsterpinch]

Your girlfriend is in her late 20s; she has to at least be paying for rent. Get her a job, make her pay rent, then you will have many more solutions available to you.

[Cerby]

I agree with the ultimatum, she needs to find a job. having a dead end job while working on your career is better than no job while doing next to nothing. Another thing you need to work on is moving into your own place. You say you've been steadily moving up your career, but if you can't afford to even rent a basement on the income, then you're not doing well enough. What other bills do you have that if affecting this move?

As for working on yourself - I too struggled with weight problems in my early-mid 20s, eventually I realized that I couldn't blame outside factors, I was getting fat because I wasn't respecting myself enough to eat what was good for me. Work stress sure, and a couple of bad relationships didn't help, but ultimately, I was getting fat because I was punishing myself because my life kind of sucked. Don't do this to yourself.

[tanderson]

The whole "ultimatum" happened already, it was last year, she found a job and that lasted about 6 month and ended with her hating it and saying she cant have a "dead end job" anymore. I feel that she knows the burden she has on me, but it seem to me that she really just doesn't have the drive. At this point if she doesn't have what it takes, I just want to end it... And even then I don't even know how's that going to work, because we live together and she has nowhere to go. I simply can't just break up with her and then sleep in the same bed that night. I wish she's more independent but she's just not... and I feel like I'm pushed into a spiral and thinking about this really makes me want to pull my hair.

[tanderson]

I agree with the ultimatum, she needs to find a job. having a dead end job while working on your career is better than no job while doing next to nothing. Another thing you need to work on is moving into your own place. You say you've been steadily moving up your career, but if you can't afford to even rent a basement on the income, then you're not doing well enough. What other bills do you have that if affecting this move?

As for working on yourself - I too struggled with weight problems in my early-mid 20s, eventually I realized that I couldn't blame outside factors, I was getting fat because I wasn't respecting myself enough to eat what was good for me. Work stress sure, and a couple of bad relationships didn't help, but ultimately, I was getting fat because I was punishing myself because my life kind of sucked. Don't do this to yourself.

I have enough to move out of there, but if I move out shes going to have to come with me, and I can not allow myself to pay all the rent while continue to supporting the 2 of us.
I've been slowly trying to be more healthy, exercise more and eating better, but its hard with all this weight on my shoulders... I feel like I need to change my environment in order to completely focus on just myself, but I cant... and it all falls back to this troubling situation. Its almost like a cycle.

[limegreen_jello]

It may sound mean - but think of how you'll feel about yourself if she NEVER changes and you're left with no money, an embarrassing living situation, a weight problem, AND a broken heart. She may very well be depressed - it's a serious issue and the lack of drive and the feeling of hopeless in combination with these cycles of "talks" you described are typical of people suffering from depression. But that doesn't mean that she's helpless and has a right to drag you down with her. If she can offer calm, rational (WITHOUT crying and guilting you) reasons for not wanting to get a job, that's up to your judgment - you know her best. But at the very least, she needs to get into some kind of therapy and generally show some potential. And I would suggest you start trying to distance yourself from all of this - force yourself to get back in shape, to surround yourself with positivity .. even if that means leaving her crying at home. Either she should come out and join you, or leave and figure out her own problems before trying to have a relationship. It's good-hearted and well-meaning of you to want to "save" her, and there's nothing wrong with that. But not at this kind of expense - a friend told me something once:
See your fellow man sinking in quicksand: go try to grab his hand and get him out!
He slaps at your hand and seems determined to sink: sit next to him and try to talk to him about it.
He doesn't listen and keeps sinking: grab him by the hair and pull!
He fights you: let go, turn your back, and walk away.
No one can blame you for not trying.

[Boisdevie]

She's clearly not pulling her weight so an ultimatum is called for. But you've already been through this. I think you need to make it very clear to her that unless some big changes are made then the relationship is over. It seems to me like you've been acting as parent to her in some degree but a true relationship should be one of equality. And ultimately you are not responsible for her accomodation - she is.

[jetta86s]

Your girlfriend is in her late 20s; she has to at least be paying for rent. Get her a job, make her pay rent, then you will have many more solutions available to you.

That is correct! You cant just be the one who has all the problem. your partner's got to take some even if he/she is 20 years old.

[toknow]

Wow. You are very selfish indeed. The unemployment rate is 22% at the moment, not 8% as they tell you on TV, look it up. That means every 5th person has ether a temp job or none. You don't love her, or else she wouldn't be a burden to you. You treat her like a stranger that's what your actions show. And what do you expect from that "stranger" back, to love you? So, you think just because you got lucky with a good job you are entitle to judge her for not being able to keep one. If you are her only life line, do you know what a huge psychological burden you are putting on her with your making her feel guilty. So, you are paying for everything, so what, if she is a part of you, that would feel like you are paying for yourself. Clearly you don't feel that she is. When you lose your job and can't find one for months, you'll understand what it feels like. But to make her go through the hell of constantly being insecure where she will live is very inhumane.

[Boisdevie]

Wow. You are very selfish indeed. The unemployment rate is 22% at the moment, not 8% as they tell you on TV, look it up. That means every 5th person has ether a temp job or none. You don't love her, or else she wouldn't be a burden to you. You treat her like a stranger that's what your actions show. And what do you expect from that "stranger" back, to love you? So, you think just because you got lucky with a good job you are entitle to judge her for not being able to keep one. If you are her only life line, do you know what a huge psychological burden you are putting on her with your making her feel guilty. So, you are paying for everything, so what, if she is a part of you, that would feel like you are paying for yourself. Clearly you don't feel that she is. When you lose your job and can't find one for months, you'll understand what it feels like. But to make her go through the hell of constantly being insecure where she will live is very inhumane.

Completely disagree. The woman is simply not pulling her weight. She is a passenger. To refer to the behavoir of the OP as 'inhumane' is a stupid exaggeration.

[toknow]

My question is why is she still with you? What the hell kind of boyfriend are you? You shouldn't call yourself her boyfriend. She should have ditched you the first time you made her feel like a stranger. But, unfortunately she is stuck with you and has wasted her time. Find her some help if she needs some, there are good people who will house her, but whatever you do, do NOT kick her out. If she hurts herself or worse it will be on your head. It absolutely disgusts me how uncaring some people can be.

[pisces25]

She can get a job, she doesn't want one.

[Cerby]

My question is why is she still with you? What the hell kind of boyfriend are you? You shouldn't call yourself her boyfriend. She should have ditched you the first time you made her feel like a stranger. But, unfortunately she is stuck with you and has wasted her time. Find her some help if she needs some, there are good people who will house her, but whatever you do, do NOT kick her out. If she hurts herself or worse it will be on your head. It absolutely disgusts me how uncaring some people can be.

toknow, you are an idiot. You're pretty much defending anyone who is useless and lazy in their relationships. This girl isn't TRYING to get a job, she is just chilling at home while this poor sap is working away and trying to get his life together. She is dead weight, she is in her late 20's, and if it were my GF, she'd be a 4 week ultimatum from the curb. Don't come in here and preach at men to let their girlfriends walk all over them, however you live your life is up to you, but some of us have spines.

Oh, and if she hurts herself or worse, it is NOT on your head OP. Give her a chance to pay. Tell her what your contribution expectations are each month ($250 is a good starting point for f/t minimum) but I'd try and get her to put up $400-500 a month. Play it smart, tell her you're planning on moving out with her but need her to carry some of the burden.

[Boisdevie]

Agree with Cerby.