Parents not supportive of new relationship

[Nessa87]

Counseling has definitely crossed my mind, if not for the family then at least for myself. I'm sure that they are better equipped and have the tools to deal with this type of situation and can help point me in the right direction. My mother has a firm stance that counseling is not something anyone in her family needs and is only for crazy people. She has told me this since I was a teenager and seriously wanted counseling then to deal with a death of a close cousin. But I definitely think some one on one counseling is warranted for me at this point. If my parents were willing to sit in on a session later on that would be great but I'm not counting on it.

It is a very sticky situation indeed. As it is a new relationship, there's always the possibility it will not work out. But I shouldn't have to cut him out of my life prematurely because of someone else's opinions. What I want my parents to realize is that, whether or not this is a mistake, it is for me to learn on my own time. If for some reason it doesn't work out, then I need to go through that process myself of learning why it didn't work out. Nothing they can tell me from their past experiences will help me to learn what works in my own life.

[Boisdevie]

YOU DO NOT NEED COUNSELLING. THEY DO. If my parents tried to dicate my life when I was 25 I would have ignored them. It is your life. Live it and if necessary ignore their opinions.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Another thing, when you move out, don't let them know where. Do whatever you gotta do to get someone else to help you move.

[Nessa87]

Well not letting them know where I move to is going to cause more trouble than its worth. I'm trying to maintain whatever semblance of a relationship I can with my parents, not sever them completely. Although if that is what they want then it will have to be done. It will be virtually impossible for me to move without letting them know where I'm moving. They are going to want to help me move and saying no will cause a tremendous rift that I simply do not want to deal with.

I'm just hoping my move will let them see that I am an independent adult, capable to making the decisions that affect my life.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

I'm naturally spiteful. Glad to see you're not.

[jetta86s]

Just how did it get to the point that your parents still believe that they can dictate your life? My advice, move out and then inform them that you are an adult and it is you who decides who you date and not them. Give into them over this and they will continue to rule your life. Do you really want that?

Perhaps you let them do so that's why they got use to the thought that they know what's best for you. I would suggest the same.

[Nessa87]

Everything had been running smoothly this week. I went looking for places and I found a great place and I'm on my way to moving out. No further blow ups or talks until I came home last night. My dad got some very scary news from the doctor and he could be very sick (thoughts and/or prayers would be appreciated). We won't know more until he sees a specialist, but it could potentially be very bad news. My mom outright told me that she thought my dad's test results came back the way they did because of the stress I've been putting them under. That my selfishness is affecting his health.

Although I know that this is just more of her manipulation tactics that she has been using on me since I was a child, I can't help but feel torn apart. Logically, I know that if my father were going to get sick, it would happen regardless of anything I've done. I just feel overwhelmed. How cruel of my mother to take this situation and turn it around on me. I'm not sure what to do. Now, more than ever I need the support of the new guy in my life, and now more than ever it is going to be difficult to see him without causing further trauma/anger/stress to my parents. I'm not even sure if I should still be considering moving out at this point. I feel like I'm drowning.

Any thoughts? Advice?

[HeartIsAching]

Everything had been running smoothly this week. I went looking for places and I found a great place and I'm on my way to moving out. No further blow ups or talks until I came home last night. My dad got some very scary news from the doctor and he could be very sick (thoughts and/or prayers would be appreciated). We won't know more until he sees a specialist, but it could potentially be very bad news. My mom outright told me that she thought my dad's test results came back the way they did because of the stress I've been putting them under. That my selfishness is affecting his health.

Although I know that this is just more of her manipulation tactics that she has been using on me since I was a child, I can't help but feel torn apart. Logically, I know that if my father were going to get sick, it would happen regardless of anything I've done. I just feel overwhelmed. How cruel of my mother to take this situation and turn it around on me. I'm not sure what to do. Now, more than ever I need the support of the new guy in my life, and now more than ever it is going to be difficult to see him without causing further trauma/anger/stress to my parents. I'm not even sure if I should still be considering moving out at this point. I feel like I'm drowning.

Any thoughts? Advice?

Damn right it is.

Your parents are unreasonably controlling, manipulative and are resorting to mental and emotional abuse to try and force you to do things their way.

I'm going to disagree with Boisdevie here - you should seek counseling. You'll continue these behaviors to some degree until you've got some education and clarity... and even more scary, you'll seek relationships in which those characteristics are present because that's what you know about relationships.

At the very least it couldn't hurt.

[vashti]

I am curious to know what sort of job he could possibly have that would provoke this kind of reaction from your parents, and what sort of job do YOU have?

[Nessa87]

I am a speech and language pathologist at a children's rehabilitation centre. He is a quality care manager at a lawn care company, and is also working on developing a small business (dj-ing) on the side. My parents don't approve of his job, and they feel that he is lazy and I will end up supporting him my entire life. Even though they don't know him at all and he is definitely not the type of guy to lay back and let the woman support him.

There was another huge blowout over this issue last night. My parents (my mother especially) refuse to accept that I have feelings for him whatsoever. They made it very clear he is not welcome anywhere near our home, and he will never be respected or considered to be part of the family. They told me I am making the biggest mistake of my life by getting involved with him. They kept pushing the guilt on me, using statements like "I can't believe you would do this to us, we don't deserve this, how could you be so heartless." I told them I couldn't believe they would do this to me, and that my feelings matter in this situation too. This just made matters worse and the accusatory statements continued. I told my parents that my new guy was not forcing me to see him or telling me to ignore their feelings to be with him (which is absolutely true) because he feels that a strong relationship with family is extremely important. My mom said "if that's true then he would just back off and leave you alone." I told her it wasn't that simple and she said "how could it not be?"

I will definitely be seeking counseling. I am completely ill-equipped to deal with this kind of emotional torture that is taking place right now.

Heartisaching - You are absolutely right. The last relationship I was in was horribly emotionally abusive, and although it took me a long time to realize it, I broke it off with him and I will never put myself in that kind of a situation again. But I was so used to it because it was what I have been dealing with my entire life that I never thought I could have anything better. Now that I've found it, I desperately do not want to lose it. I hope that counseling will help me find a way through this.

[searock]

No wonder both you and your little sister ended up in abusive relationships at some point. I can only suggest you move out as soon as possible, I assure you it will be a lot better once you aren't forced to withstand manipulation and guilt every single day. And yes, counseling is a good option as well, it will definitely help.