Parents not supportive of new relationship

[Nessa87]

I apologize in advance for the lengthiness of this post.

I am a 25 year old female currently living at home with my parents (although very seriously looking to move out). I recently began a new relationship with someone I met a few months ago. He is wonderful. He treats me with respect and showers me with affection. When I am with him I am relaxed and happy. I can seriously see myself having a future with this man. The one problem: my parents do not support our relationship.

I have a master's degree and an excellent job in the medical field. He does not have a university degree or a professional job (although he does have a steady job with excellent pay). To me, this is not an issue. To my parents it is. They feel that I will end up supporting him and he will be a drain on me financially, simply because he is not a professional. I feel their opinions are highly unwarranted, as they don't know him and have no idea of the type of hard-working man he is. It has become such a big deal to them that they have basically said if I choose to continue this relationship I will be losing my relationship with them.

This puts me in a lose-lose situation. I greatly value my parents' support and opinions. I love them dearly and do not want to lose the relationship we've had for the past 25 years. However, I also love this new man and he makes me the happiest I have ever been. I have been in some abusive relationships in the past (with professional men, as per their wishes), and I'm tired of doing things to please everyone but myself. I feel that I deserve to be happy for once in my life, and this man makes me incredibly happy, happier than I ever thought I could be. I am old enough and mature enough to look after my own interests, and at this point in my life I would not be getting into a relationship with someone if I truly thought I would be unhappy. Unfortunately, my parents still treat me like a child and feel I am incapable of making my own decisions.

I don't want to break it off with him, and I don't want to lose my parents support. I'm hoping someone can give me some advice on how to proceed so that I may continue my relationship with this man and still have my parents in my life. I'm preparing for the worst, but any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Thank-you

[Boisdevie]

Just how did it get to the point that your parents still believe that they can dictate your life? My advice, move out and then inform them that you are an adult and it is you who decides who you date and not them. Give into them over this and they will continue to rule your life. Do you really want that?

[Nessa87]

Thank you for your response,

There is absolutely no way that I will be giving into them. I will not be bullied into making a decision that is the wrong one for me. I'm just hoping that there is some way to help them come around and accept the relationship because I would like to continue having them in my life. My decision will remain the same no matter what their final word is. I've found something good and I'm not willing to give it up.

[smackie9]

Point out to them who's been the child here, not you! Explain to them that you will be moving out so their house rules will not apply anymore. Also remind them that you are an adult and they have no right to dictate how you should live your life. Thank them for doing a lovely supportive job of raising you , and that they their job is now finished. Then you can proceed to tell them that if they wish to sever the relationship, then you guess they will not be seeing their future grandchildren. Hopefully that will clear their heads and realize you are not a little girl anymore, that you are very capable of taking care of yourself.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Tell them that if they don't respect your choices, then that's on them and that they will no longer be welcome in your life. Move out, and keep them in the dark about everything, and they'll probably come around sooner or later, but definitely do not give in. Remember, you hold the ultimate trump card, since presumably, you're the most important thing to them. Use that to your advantage, and start shutting them out of every aspect of your life. Don't call them back for a few days when they call you, and don't go see them at all.

[Nessa87]

Thank you everyone. I will definitely not be giving into their ridiculous demands. If their fears were centered around him mistreating me or abusing me or anything valid I would be able to take their opinion into consideration. But his job and education? That says so little about who a person is and how he will treat me.

I hope that eventually they will come around and accept him and us. I will definitely miss them being in my life because we have always had such a close relationship. But at the same time, I feel like if they are willing to cut ties with me altogether for something like this, there must be something fundamentally wrong with our relationship to begin with. My happiness should be the priority, not how my boyfriend will look compared to their high status friends.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

You've got a good head on your shoulders. You'll be fine. Once they see that you're fine, they'll come running...and if they don't, then it's like you said, there's something fundamentally wrong to begin with.

I think you should start ignoring them now, and stop doing family stuff with them.

Do you have siblings?

[Nessa87]

I do have a younger sister who is definitely not on my side. She was in an extremely abusive relationship when she was 16-17 and it tore the family apart. My parents didn't approve of her boyfriend (obviously) and in the end they won the fight and she broke up with him. Now, she feels that I am doing the same thing to the family by dating this guy they don't approve of, when it is not even a remotely similar situation. But she let me know what a terrible person she thought I was for putting the family through this. She's 20.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

She's 20.

Yeah, she's a moron still.

Cut them all out. Easy for me to say, but if you want to be happy it needs to be done. They'll crack one they see you won't be manipulated, or you'll just be rid of some negative, hurtful people that don't have your best interest in mind. Win-win.

[Nessa87]

She's definitely in a stage in her life where she thinks she's reached this maturity level and she understands how the world works. Not the case.

Thanks for your advice. I'm going out to look at some places to live this week. Hopefully they'll come around. Family has always been the most important thing in my life, but if they really can't stand to see me be with this guy, even though I'm very very happy, then I will have to let them go.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Good luck.

[Cerulean.]

That's a sticky situation. I say this because you JUST recently began a relationship with this guy. I totally agree with the others on how your parents and sister shouldn't be so negative and controlling... but at the same time... if you cut them out and later down the line, you and your boy don't work out (for whatever reasons but it was both mutual) what will you do then? I have no advice for you on this one because it just sounds too complicated. Again, you just started going out with this man and are possibly thinking of cutting your family out of your life for him. Don't want you to lose your relationship with your family for something that might not work out. And who knows, maybe you both are meant to be. I just wouldn't make such a harsh decision until I've been going out with him for awhile and truly knew this man was the one and he thought the same way about me. Just something to think about.

[Cerulean.]

Oh, and to add to this, maybe I would try to get your parents involved in a family counseling session. Maybe a professional's point of view will help them realize they're kind of psycho controlling and need to chill out with you and let you make your own decisions. It's up to you.

[Boisdevie]

I just wouldn't make such a harsh decision until I've been going out with him for awhile and truly knew this man was the one and he thought the same way about me. Just something to think about.

I disagree completely. Whether he is 'the one' or not it's her life, her decision and nothing to do with her parents. If she gives in on this they'll keep thinking they can dictate to her forever. Sometimes you have to take a stand. This is one such time. Good luck to the OP. She sounds eminently sensible.

[Cerulean.]

I disagree completely. Whether he is 'the one' or not it's her life, her decision and nothing to do with her parents. If she gives in on this they'll keep thinking they can dictate to her forever. Sometimes you have to take a stand. This is one such time. Good luck to the OP. She sounds eminently sensible.

Well, I didn't catch the line the OP wrote about how her parents would disown her if she continued the relationship. That, right there, is a bit extreme and changes my view a bit on everything. I would still try the counseling thing, but that's just me. And DEFINITELY move out. If they truly loved you and weren't so stick up the arse, then they'd get over it in due time and become normal again. If not, well that frickin' sucks.