How to cope with my perfect partner's past? (smoking & drugs)

[AllThatWe'veGot]

Hello all :-)

Something amazing happened to me about 4 months ago -- I met my perfect partner. She has the perfect personality, perfect looks, perfect figure, everything. And for some reason she feels the same way about me! We constantly smile and laugh when we're in each other's company, and we have the best fun together. She has changed jobs and moved so that we can be together, and we're already talking about getting married and (one day) having children. I could never hope to meet a better person, neither as a friend nor partner.

However, she used to smoke, both tobacco and cannabis. I am the most anti-smoking / anti-drugs person you could ever meet. I won't go on about it, but suffice to say I find all kinds of drug use repulsive. My partner smoked tobacco for about 10 years. She started at 14 and stopped shortly before we got together. She had tried to stop many times before but, because she was still smoking cannabis, she kept starting again. She stopped smoking cannabis about 3 months before we met. She is now completely clean and says she doesn't miss cannabis at all, and although she still has occasional cravings for the physical act of smoking cigarettes, she wants to have a smoke-free life and is determined to never smoke again.

I am having a very hard time accepting this aspect of her past. It is in my thoughts nearly all the time, and I've even been dreaming about it recently. I look at her and I see this beautiful, charming, intelligent, adorable person, but then I can't help but imagine her smoking. When I see someone smoking I feel a huge amount of hatred towards them, and it kills me to think that this wonderful person did that day after day, night after night, for years. The mere thought of someone lighting a cigarette and putting it to their lips disgusts me to such an extreme level that I don't think I could ever explain it, yet my partner did that tens of thousands of times.

How do you come to terms with something that you hate about your partner's past? We have talked about it a lot. The "problem" is completely open for conversation between us and she knows exactly how I feel. She is supportive and sympathetic, but there really isn't much she can do to make the problem go away. If there was, she would do it. She has even offered to go to relationship counselling, even though there is nothing wrong with our actual relationship! But these horrible feelings aren't going away. I know I could cope a lot easier if she had any negative feelings towards smoking, if she told me that it was something she regretted or wished she hadn't done, but she is quite happy that she did it for those 10 years. In her view it was something that she did and it was fine, and now she's stopped, end of story.

I know nobody can give me a simple answer to this question. But I'm hoping for some words of wisdom that might at least steer me in the right direction. I want to marry this woman and raise a family with her and I think we could have the happiest, most rewarding life together. But always, constantly, overpoweringly, I can't stop thinking about her past. I know I can't change her past, but surely there is a way to come to terms with it? It would be a terrible shame if this one thing got in the way of the brilliant future that we both know we can have together.

Thank you for any help or advice.

[iamaninnocentma]

yeah, i feel your pain bro. What she did before she met you is unforgivable. People that smoke are the lowest of the low, and the fact she shows no remorse is worrying. I hope you can find away to forgive her,because apart from her evil past she sounds nice.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

You're a douchebag. You should break up with her and let her find someone that is more open. If this is your view on this issue, I can only imagine what other frail, closeminded views you hold.

Totally not fair to hold her in contempt like this.

[smackie9]

There is no way you could ever have a "perfect" relationship with her. The possability of her smoking again is exstremely high...there is no way you can ever trust her or any one for that matter, to not pick it up again....my god the grief and heart break this will cause you. You are better off meeting someone who is pure as the driven snow, so you don't have to worry about your stupid hang ups.

[Boisdevie]

I think you have some significant problems to deal with and until you do deal with them it's extremely unfair on your girlfriend. To be honest I'm not surprised she hasn't told you to sod off. The past is the past. Deal with it.

[TeeJay19]

The only advice I can give you is to get over yourself and deal with it. It's in the past, she's not doing it now, big whoop. What's important is who she is now, not who she was.

Also, I understand being against smoking, it's a bad habit obviously. But to actually hate someone for smoking? That's a little harsh. People who smoke are addicted. Like your girlfriend they probably got hooked when they were young and niave. I think the vast majority of smokers would say they want to quit so to hate them for doing it is rather extreme and pretty immature if you ask me. If anything you should be proud of your girlfriend for quiting after smoking for so many years. It takes a lot of will power and it shows that she'd dedicated to improving her lifestyle and getting healthier.

If you can't get over the fact that she used to smoke then leave her. It's always going to be there, her past isn't going away. Plus, like Smakie said there's a good chance that she could start smoking again which from the sounds of it would be the end of the relationship for you. She deserves someone who can look past something as insignificant as being a former smoker and love her for who she is. If that's not you then accept it and move on.

[Cerby]

I am a non-smoker and find it a disgusting habit, I'm also against drugs, but what the **** is going on here? Seriously OP, you're upset about smoking in the past? Is this even a real post?

[oldskool83]

are you a male nun? damn dood big deal. love her help her if not date a rock. personaly i think this is a spammer post. seems too good to be true.

[Wakeup]

I am having a very hard time accepting this aspect of her past. It is in my thoughts nearly all the time, and I've even been dreaming about it recently. I look at her and I see this beautiful, charming, intelligent, adorable person, but then I can't help but imagine her smoking. When I see someone smoking I feel a huge amount of hatred towards them, and it kills me to think that this wonderful person did that day after day, night after night, for years. The mere thought of someone lighting a cigarette and putting it to their lips disgusts me to such an extreme level that I don't think I could ever explain it, yet my partner did that tens of thousands of times.

have you ever consulted with a therapist about your fear of things gone by?

Your Opening post is the best case of cutting off one's nose to spite their face that I've ever seen. Perhaps therapy will help you to stop your self-sabotaging. Christ you made me want to start up cigarette smoking again just listening to you whine about your fear of smokers.

[surfhb]

Maybe she has an issue with the fact you used to smoke cock? Seriously though....grow up.

Asshole of the month award buddy! Way to go!

[jetta86s]

You are simply making it hard for both of you. Instead, I would suggest you accept this fact already rather than asking her to stop which not something easy to do. If she wants to she will find a way but you should not selfish about your feelings.

[ablindman]

Here's the thing, If you really love her you wouldn't care about her past. You can hate pot heads and smokers all you want but you should know that most people that are anti-cannabis think its a bad ''influence'' because its Illegal. Politics turned it illegal by exposing lies and false test subjects. Influencing the people to hate it as it is. Anyways Cannabis isn't the topic..

If you make her happy and -made- her stop after you two got together. Encourage her, tell her she's doing good. Because women don't like having the image of a smoker or drug junkie. Don't be nagging her on how bad smoking is she'll just feel bad and could even change her attitude over you. The best thing you can do is understand her instead of denying it ( if you are ).

You wouldn't want the ''perfect'' girl to slip away from you just because you're anti smoke/drug. You'll feel even worst, think about it.

- Everything starts when you leave the past, live the present and think of the future.

[VincenzoG91]

OP, invent a time machine or get over it. Those are your only two options that don't involve a break-up.

Also, I recommend that you let go of the concept of a perfect woman, because there is no such thing.

[AllThatWe'veGot]

Thank you to everyone for the level-headed advice, and for the insults too, which were also helpful in their own way. I do realise that I need to just "get over it". That's what I'm trying to do. I know that this is my problem. This was a genuine plea for help.

Maybe I wrote too much about my feelings towards smoking. What I should have said is that there's something in my partner's past that I find very difficult to accept, but I want to go forward in life seeing my partner for who she is now, without her past always being on my mind. How does someone do that? Obviously it's something about my attitude that I need to change, but I don't know how to start doing that. That's what I was asking for help with.

[Boisdevie]

Some kind of therapy is your answer