Need the advice from a male's prespective

[Stellaluna]

Hello everyone,
I am new here and after having read some similar topics that ressemble my situation, I felt the urge to relate my story and hopefully seek some advice. My story goes like this:
I met my current bf almost 5 years ago on a dating site. It was my first time and he was one of many that had sent me a conversation invite. At first, I admit, I was a little taken aback at having received so many men seeking to know me, but I realized quickly that dating sites seem to be the next big meat market means of meeting people or getting la*d.
Nonetheless, I responded to his profile since it seemed genuine and humble. We quickly began speaking on the computer and then via phone. I explained to him how I had been burnt in the past by many dishonest men and that integrity is a value I hold close to my heart. We spoke over the phone almost every day for about 4 months. I purposely did not want to meet him right away, because I wanted to learn more about him. The more we spoke, the more I liked him. I have never been the type of woman to sleep with just about anyone (I am now 42) and after hearing him speak of his values and morals, he reassured me that he was a respectful man who did his share stupidities and "one-night stands" when he was much younger (he is 5 years older than I).
I have never been one to focus on other people's pasts, but I believe that it is somewhat indicative of their morals especially if their behaviour follows them for the better part of their lives. Anyhow, some of the things he had told me about other women in his recent life seemed a little off. At first, I thought that maybe it is best that I ignore that little voice inside my head that was telling me that something is not right. I felt scared and yet I thought that it was just left over insecurities from past relationships. I thought to myself that he would never to anything to hurt me, after all, we had confided in each other and told one another our fears, insecurities and wishes.
As time progressed, that little voice became louder and louder. I swear, I thought I was going crazy at times. The damn thing is, that I persued it over and over again and constanly asked him questions. You might wonder why I did this and rightfully so, his past is none of my business. However, about 1 year ago, after much nagging on my part, he admitted to having had over a dozen one night stand right before metting me. That he in fact still spoke to some of these girls even after we met.
I freaked out, please understand that I am not happy knowing about how may women he has been with, this is his life and his choices. What really freaked me out was that he lied.....he lied so well. My trust in him has completely dissolved. His excuses for not telling me the truth, he says, is because his past embarrases him and that he felt that he was unworthy of me. Funny though, I am ashamed of many things I did in my life and yet I fessed up to them.
So, here I am trying to deal with forgiveness and it is not working out very well. I never thought that he would ever lie to me, especially since I made my painful past very clear to him since the very beginnning. I feel manipulated and conned. Sometimes I feel like I do not know him. Other times, when I am having a good time, I feel I have to be careful because he can hurt me and I have to be on guard.
He had plenty of opportunities over the last almost 5 years to come clean and never did. I even tried to make it easy for him but often reassuring him that I loved him no matter what and that honesty and coomunication is key in a healthy relationship. He would just lie and lie and lie...despite me getting frustrated, angry and even cry my eyes out. As I am writting this, I can even remember the times, he would look into my eyes and reassure me and tell me it was all in my head and console me and even have sex right after. Ughhh....I feel like such an idiot !! To add insult to injury, he even admitted to me that he would have never come clean should I not have made such a big deal out of knowing the truth.
I feel depressed and I am beginning to hate people....I sometimes wonder if everyone in my life is a liar and manipulator. I sometimes feel like taking revenge on him and have a one night stand of my own and conceal that from him....give a piece of his own medicine. But then, that is unlike me.
What I am wondering is if it is possible to trully forgive a liar ?? To regain trust in someone who lied so well and so often for so long ? Your advice is appreciated. Thank you

[Wakeup]

Hello everyone,
I am new here and after having read some similar topics that ressemble my situation, I felt the urge to relate my story and hopefully seek some advice.

My story goes like this:
I met my current bf almost 5 years ago on a dating site. It was my first time and he was one of many that had sent me a conversation invite. At first, I admit, I was a little taken aback at having received so many men seeking to know me, but I realized quickly that dating sites seem to be the next big meat market means of meeting people or getting la*d.

Nonetheless, I responded to his profile since it seemed genuine and humble. We quickly began speaking on the computer and then via phone. I explained to him how I had been burnt in the past by many dishonest men and that integrity is a value I hold close to my heart. We spoke over the phone almost every day for about 4 months.

I purposely did not want to meet him right away, because I wanted to learn more about him. The more we spoke, the more I liked him. I have never been the type of woman to sleep with just about anyone (I am now 42) and after hearing him speak of his values and morals, he reassured me that he was a respectful man who did his share stupidities and "one-night stands" when he was much younger (he is 5 years older than I).

I have never been one to focus on other people's pasts, but I believe that it is somewhat indicative of their morals especially if their behaviour follows them for the better part of their lives. Anyhow, some of the things he had told me about other women in his recent life seemed a little off.

At first, I thought that maybe it is best that I ignore that little voice inside my head that was telling me that something is not right. I felt scared and yet I thought that it was just left over insecurities from past relationships. I thought to myself that he would never to anything to hurt me, after all, we had confided in each other and told one another our fears, insecurities and wishes.

As time progressed, that little voice became louder and louder. I swear, I thought I was going crazy at times. The damn thing is, that I persued it over and over again and constanly asked him questions. You might wonder why I did this and rightfully so, his past is none of my business. However, about 1 year ago, after much nagging on my part, he admitted to having had over a dozen one night stand right before metting me. That he in fact still spoke to some of these girls even after we met.

I freaked out, please understand that I am not happy knowing about how may women he has been with, this is his life and his choices. What really freaked me out was that he lied.....he lied so well. My trust in him has completely dissolved. His excuses for not telling me the truth, he says, is because his past embarrases him and that he felt that he was unworthy of me. Funny though, I am ashamed of many things I did in my life and yet I fessed up to them.

So, here I am trying to deal with forgiveness and it is not working out very well. I never thought that he would ever lie to me, especially since I made my painful past very clear to him since the very beginnning. I feel manipulated and conned. Sometimes I feel like I do not know him. Other times, when I am having a good time, I feel I have to be careful because he can hurt me and I have to be on guard.

He had plenty of opportunities over the last almost 5 years to come clean and never did. I even tried to make it easy for him but often reassuring him that I loved him no matter what and that honesty and coomunication is key in a healthy relationship. He would just lie and lie and lie...despite me getting frustrated, angry and even cry my eyes out. As I am writting this, I can even remember the times, he would look into my eyes and reassure me and tell me it was all in my head and console me and even have sex right after. Ughhh....I feel like such an idiot !!

To add insult to injury, he even admitted to me that he would have never come clean should I not have made such a big deal out of knowing the truth. I feel depressed and I am beginning to hate people....I sometimes wonder if everyone in my life is a liar and manipulator. I sometimes feel like taking revenge on him and have a one night stand of my own and conceal that from him....give a piece of his own medicine. But then, that is unlike me.

What I am wondering is if it is possible to trully forgive a liar ?? To regain trust in someone who lied so well and so often for so long ? Your advice is appreciated. Thank you

Why do you stay with him if what he did to you, you are unable to forgive and get over? He lied... that was five effing years ago. How has he treated you in those five years? Has he lied about other subjects, has he cheated on you, has he had one night stands after pledging exclusivity with you?

If he has then you're the fool to stay with him. If he hasn't lied/cheated/had one night stands and has been a good partner then what is your problem? What happened before you came along is none of your business if he has changed from those ways and is good and faithful to you. If you don't like his past then leave him and get on with your life without him. It's your life and if you want to cut off your nose to spite your face then so be it. I'd base your decision on how he has been as a partner while with you, not when he didn't even know who the hell you were and his life was non of your concern.

P.S. Please put paragraphs in your subsequent posts and keep the size at a font and size that is legible. Tks.

[iamaninnocentma]

all men lie, its in our genes. Dont make a big fuss about it, its our nature. You should just be glad hes not a psycho, if you met him on the interweb.

[iamaninnocentma]

yeah i agree, had to read with a telescope, but i think you went overboard with the paragraphs.

[Stellaluna]

Thanks for your reply. And to answer your question, as far as I know, he has not cheated on me nor has he treated me bad in any other matter. You are right in stating that his past is his. I agree with that. What I am having an issu with is the lies. Why lie when he knows about how honesty is important to me. I bet you think I am insane...sorry !

[Stellaluna]

lol....lol...maybe he is a psycho and he is lying about that too.....lol...
My apology for the font and size

[Wakeup]

Thanks for your reply. And to answer your question, as far as I know, he has not cheated on me nor has he treated me bad in any other matter. You are right in stating that his past is his. I agree with that. What I am having an issu with is the lies. Why lie when he knows about how honesty is important to me. I bet you think I am insane...sorry !

People lie... every damn one of us. Why do people lie you ask? They lie for three reasons

1. To save face
2. To get something
3. To maintain what they got.

What reason do you think he lied to you? I'll give you a hint ~ It could be No 1 because he knew you would judge him. It could be No 2. because he wanted a relationship with you and you wouldn't have it with him because you would judge him on his past and not give him the chance to prove himself. After he got you (see No 2) he continued to lie to maintain you.

It's not rocket science. Stella. :o) It's your call whether, as I say, you want to cut off your nose to spite your face and dump him for something he did when he didn't even know you.

[bulrush]

If you are having trust issues with him, and you truly cannot forgive what he did, then maybe he is not right for you, because this mistrust will taint everything in your relationship. Only you can decide if you can trust him again.

Wakeup, you forgot one other reason people lie: social stigma. There's a huge social stigma about STDs, which is why people lie about them.

[Wakeup]

If you are having trust issues with him, and you truly cannot forgive what he did, then maybe he is not right for you, because this mistrust will taint everything in your relationship. Only you can decide if you can trust him again.

Wakeup, you forgot one other reason people lie: social stigma. There's a huge social stigma about STDs, which is why people lie about them.

that would go under No 1. "To save face." The other two apply as well: No. 2 "To get what they want (they fear they won't get it if they tell the truth) and No. 3. To maintain what they have gotten. (They won't disclose in fear of losing what they've just gotten through lying by ommission).

:o)