Dating two women

[CAM]

Indi--really good article! Thanks.

[smackie9]

Ya I like how they have thrown in there the all too common "knight in shining armor" syndrome....This part gets me tho :Ride out the discomfort until feeling good in a relationship feels normal.....How could they ever know what normal is if they never had it? lol. I guess that's why they keep coming here.....

[IndiReloaded]

Indi--really good article! Thanks.

C, you are welcome. There are several other good articles on that site. Its written for men, but applies to many women also, I think.

This part gets me tho :Ride out the discomfort until feeling good in a relationship feels normal.....How could they ever know what normal is if they never had it? lol. I guess that's why they keep coming here.....

The key, I think, is the first part: Initially, being loved and accepted for who you are will feel unnatural and uncomfortable.

I think most people instinctively know if they are being loved and accepted for who they are. Sadly, too many people in relationships feel compelled to change. Thing is, most people never will. Not unless *they* want to, and that's much, much rarer than people hope it is. Otherwise, they won't/can't; not for kids, spouses, parents, or counsellors. To force the issue only causes misery for both people and eventually, drives one or both of them to extremes. Cue the latest cheating posts by the guy whose LTR isn't meeting his needs with sex. They should have ended it years ago, especially him since he seems to be the one not getting what he wants.

To my mind, it always comes down to this: know thyself, know what you want that isn't negotiable and know how to get it. Don't try to force someone else to become what you want. Be honest to those needs and you'll get it right almost every time.

[CAM]

Second date with woman #1 went fine. I didn't feel an overwhelming spark when I saw her again. Maybe she didn't feel the spark either because she said that she had to meet a workmate at a certain time that evening. My sense was she has set up an "out." Strange thing, though: we got to talking and before we knew it, we had talked for about an hour past her stated meeting time. When she looked at her watch, she gasped. I said, "Well, if you have to go, you have to go." She shrugged it off and kept talking for another hour! When we said our goodbyes, I thought about kissing her, but didn't. It didn't feel like the right moment--it was a chilly evening and she was shivering in the parking lot after dinner. I want a third date with her in about a week or so--one that is more special (the second one was a weekday afterwork thing). If the feelings arise, then I might kiss her.

Meanwhile, woman #2--on our first date, I felt like kissing her and actually went for it. She pulled back--said that she doesn't kiss on first dates. But she wasn't offended and we had a great rest of the date. Something about her gives me spontaneous erections.

If a woman likes a guy, they often suggest additonal meetings beyond what the guy has planned (in this case, neither of them do that). I think I should go out with both of them (individually) one more time--what are your thoughts?

[smackie9]

When I was dating, it usually didn't go past the first date if I wasn't interested. I'm an aggressive person so I had no problem letting them know if I liked them or not....I hated wasting my time on useless dates so I think communicating with them about it might be in order.

#1 date...Having a back up to get out is usually played by people who don't know how to communicate properly, and don't know how to be honest. I would have been offended and see it as a red flag. I know you saw it as a challenge to prove her she was wrong but what are you really going to get out of it.

#2date....learn to look beyond what your penis is telling you....if you can lol.

[CAM]

When I was dating, it usually didn't go past the first date if I wasn't interested. I'm an aggressive person so I had no problem letting them know if I liked them or not....I hated wasting my time on useless dates so I think communicating with them about it might be in order.

#1 date...Having a back up to get out is usually played by people who don't know how to communicate properly, and don't know how to be honest. I would have been offended and see it as a red flag. I know you saw it as a challenge to prove her she was wrong but what are you really going to get out of it.

#2date....learn to look beyond what your penis is telling you....if you can lol.

#1woman: we're going out again in about ten days. She responded pretty quickly to me asking her out. She's nice, but she needs a drink to loosen up and be totally human.

#2woman: I will ask her out for the coming week--just casual or something.

In the case of both women....realize they are highly educated, compulsive, attractive nerds. I'm in the highly educated nerd crowd, too.

[smackie9]

It don't matter what education....human nature is human nature...

[CAM]

It don't matter what education....human nature is human nature...

I agree. Very true.

[smackie9]

So from my observation, since you knew she was going to bail on you, which is an obvious sign she was losing interst in you, you ended up exerting yourself more to regain the interest. With that being said, you need to be more assertive in your interest towards her. I wouldn't leave the next date for another week or so with this one or she is going to lose interest in you again.

I think you got both backwards. #1 date should be the one you make a move on, because she needs to feel desired or loses interest. #2 I find has a more mature realistic approach to dating. She wants to see more sutble ways from you of showing desire.

[CAM]

So from my observation, since you knew she was going to bail on you, which is an obvious sign she was losing interst in you, you ended up exerting yourself more to regain the interest. With that being said, you need to be more assertive in your interest towards her. I wouldn't leave the next date for another week or so with this one or she is going to lose interest in you again.

I think you got both backwards. #1 date should be the one you make a move on, because she needs to feel desired or loses interest. #2 I find has a more mature realistic approach to dating. She wants to see more sutble ways from you of showing desire.

Excellent advice! You are very clear-seeing.

[smackie9]

Excellent advice! You are very clear-seeing.

Ya because I don't have a penis giving me directions lol!

[CAM]

Ya because I don't have a penis giving me directions lol!

My penis doesn't give me directions

Woman #2 is a lot more responsive than Woman #1. My sense is that she's a warmer person. Everyone is different, I suppose.

[IndiReloaded]

#2 is the obvious winner, Cam. You're having to work too hard for #1 and that's tiring at our age. Skip the games, its not your style anyway.

[CAM]

#2 is the obvious winner, Cam. You're having to work too hard for #1 and that's tiring at our age. Skip the games, its not your style anyway.

I was thinking the same thing this morning. #2 is definitely more affectionate. She's just a warm person. Another thing: very bright, but has interests outside of her work to which she is committed. A good scientist, but an artist, too. That's not to say that she has any free time during the week--she works very hard. Truth be told, I don't have any time during the week either.

If out of two, I find one...well, that is all that matters!

[CAM]

#2...all signs point to her being the "winner" (as Indi put it). We're going to get together this coming week. I said I'd come up with some plans and get back to her. I just got a text message saying that she's been thinking about some things we could do, events, etc. A very good sign...she's enthusiastic.