Have we run out of steam? Time to move on?

[snake1977]

I've been with my fiancee now for nearly 9 years, we met at work. She was married at the time. We had a short fling, she left her husband and moved in with me. During our 9 years together we have had a couple of "wobbles". The big one came 4 years ago when we planned to get married, about 3 months before I called it off because I wasn't ready. I wasn't ready to commit. Unbeknown to my fiancee I had a very brief fling with a girl at work (because of my fears of commitment). She was much younger than me (19) and I was 30 at the time. I did have genuine feelings for her but after weighing everything up I decided to stay with my fiancee.

So things moved on, things got better in our relationship. 2 years ago we had a baby girl. Before our daughter and after the one thing our relationship has lacked is intimacy. My fiancee's number 1 priority isn't sex. I've always had to be the one who instigated it. She is very self conscious of her body. Now I'm a normal red blooded male and I need intimacy in a relationship. This last few months we have been looking to buy a new house. The sexual side of our relationship is pretty much non existent, once every 2 months if I'm lucky. Because of the commitment to buy a new house (with bigger mortgage) my mind has been wandering back to the girl I had a fling with. Now the awkward thing is we both work together in the same place. She is now 24 and I'm 34. We see each other every day. I've tried to bury my feelings for her and get on with my life. Recently we went out after work (as a group) but I ended up having sex with her. We had a good chat and all my old feelings came back to me. I know this girl really likes me, hell its been 4 years since our first fling and her feelings are still there.

So now I'm wondering what the hell do I do? I've been feeling sooooo guilty this week for cheating on my fiancee. She doesn't deserve that but the lack of passion and intimacy in our relationship is a BIG problem. I've been THIS close to telling my fiancee everything but I know I will lose her. We have a beautiful 2 year old girl now so the situation is much more complicated. We have a mortgage together. I'm absolutely torn. If I sit down with my fiancee and discuss the intimacy issue I know we will "try to make things better" but we have had this conversation a number of times and always end up back at square one!

Do I throw away a 9 year relationship and risk the relationship with my daughter for another girl (whom I have strong feelings for)? Can I carry on in a sexless relationship? Have we run out of steam and is it time to move on?

I'm really at my wits end so any advice would be appreciated.

[pisces25]

I think you should tell her you've been cheating and set her free. Don't blame her for the fact you went elsewhere looking for sex.

[TeeJay19]

If you've talked to her about your intimacy issues and it hasn't helped then you should move on. You've cheated before and it's pretty obvious you're going to cheat again. You're not married yet (granted after nine years it might as well be a marraige) so now's the time to break it off. Tell her everything, clear your conscience and then leave. You can still be part of your daughter's life and you can find someone who you're more sexually compatable with.

[Cerby]

My favourite part is where he cheats and makes excuses to make it feel right (ie I'm cheating because I'm afraid to commit).

Just leave, she deserves better. Nowhere in your post does it say you tried talking to her or seeing a couples counsellor, so I think you're really just looking for a reason to keep sleeping with the other girl.

[snake1977]

Nah we've talked....A LOT. Haven't seen a counsellor or anything though. Its just we always end up back at square one.

[IndiReloaded]

It won't get better, only worse. I'm sorry, but you need to find the strength to end it. It will be better for both of you and your daughter. Staying for the kids will not work in this relationship. Read this post and think hard about it:

http://www.loveforum.net/threads/65801-Dating-two-women?p=810497#post810497

[iamaninnocentma]

Sounds like to me that you have the best of both worlds. You have a gf that i assume cooks and cleans for you and keeps the house in order. You also have a younger piece on the go, who is happy to have sex with you whenevr you please. You have your cake and eat it. Why spoil a good thing by telling your gf? If you tell your gf, the shit will hit the fan and women can do some crazy shit. You will end up broke , and be lucky to see your daughter once a week. Dont rock the boat.

[HeartIsAching]

It won't get better, only worse. I'm sorry, but you need to find the strength to end it. It will be better for both of you and your daughter. Staying for the kids will not work in this relationship. Read this post and think hard about it:

http://www.loveforum.net/threads/65801-Dating-two-women?p=810497#post810497

This right here.

[haxan]

What a mess. Too bad you didn't end it before knocking her up. I feel bad for the kid, who knows how many men will be in and out of their life over the years as your ex moves from relationship to relationship to rebuild her self esteem. You screwed her over on the marriage the first time, cheated on her twice and have no intention of manning up and being honest.

You don't seem like a great catch, maybe that's why she doesn't want to be intimate? She's probably posting on another forum somewhere about dumping you, but feels obligated and doesn't want to have sexy anymore. I wonder what kind of advice she's getting?

[iamaninnocentma]

"i wonder what kind of advice shes getting?"

i hope its better than the pish this poor fellas getting.

[haxan]

Well, he only has one choice for advice. Sit down with his girlfriend and be honest with her. Tell her he's cheated before with this girl, is cheating now, and it's time to decide what they're going to do permanently. It sucks, she's going to be devastated, but you can't undone what's been done and owe it to the mother of your child to be truthful.

I'm sure he wouldn't want to continue, or at least have that option, if some other guy was balls deep in her every time she had the chance.

[snake1977]

Ok this is my thought process at the moment....

Whilst the advice given is harsh its also the truth! I do need to tell her, it will blow my world apart but I need to do it. I'm not a bad guy, I've never cheated before (outside of this relationship).

Then on the other side I'm thinking.....if we can sort the intimacy issues everything would be fantastic. We have a great relationship but over the years it has watered down into a kind of very strong friendship type of relationship which I guess is only natural.

Surely I owe it to my daughter to try and put this behind me, address the issues in the relationship and try to put things right?

[haxan]

If the shoe were on the other foot, you'd want her to be honest with you, wouldn't you?

Women can sometimes turn it on in the intimacy department. Maybe an open, honest talk will help. You're going to have to take her initial fury and hopefully work through it. She may realize that she doesn't want to lose a family and that she can be a more sexual person and save the relationship. Women are hardwired a bit different in men that way.

The alternative is a broken family, a mother of your child and child that will hate you forever (regardless of what you do and how good of a dad you are). If you're still attracted to and love your girlfriend, I'd sure as hell try to make it work.

[snake1977]

ok I'm digging up this old post for some further advice. I finally told my other half what I have been upto, I confessed all. I had no idea how she would react. Bottomline is she wanted me back, she wanted us to try again. We decided the relationship was worth fighting for so this is what we did. The other girl at work was gutted as you can imagine. It's now 6 months down the line and everything is stable again. We are working hard at the relationship to make it work. I still have feelings for the other girl at work (I see her everyday) and she has feelings for me.

How the hell do I cope with these feelings? I try to bury those feelings but its incredibly difficult. On one hand I'm moving on with my current relationship but I'm not being entirely honest with myself for the feelings I have for this other girl.

[Woods]

If you're heart isn't in the right place then you need to own that, do what's right and end it.

If you're determined to try and make it work then you need to change department or job or whatever and get yourself away from this other woman. What happens when you face having to make another big commitment in your relationship? I;d bet anything that you'll get yet another case of cold feet and end up in bed with her again. Can't you see the cycle? You may not be cheating physically yet but emotionally you are and this shows you are still not content in your relationship. Have you had counselling? You're not being fair to either woman here. Make a choice and stick with it.