Hanging out with female friends alone

[cheeky&sexy]

Just curious to get a males perspective as to what's normal and what's not normal, when to be suspicious, etc.

My boyfriend has a LOT of female friends. He was a player before he settled down with me 7-8 months ago, but most his female friends he hasn't hooked up with, or so he says. He is a mature and sensitive guy, so naturally he has more close female friends than male friends, as his male friends only want to know him at a club.

I trust him but i can't help but sometimes feel weird when he spends time alone with them, like i don't know if it's normal for a girlfriend to allow this to happen, and wonder if i should be more suspicious or keep more tabs on him. He tells me about his encounters which is a good sign at least.

But here are some examples...

1. Often he tells me about how he 'ran into my lady friend at the shops and we had a coffee and chat'.. occasionally he arranges before hand to meet up with them.

2. On multiple occasions his gone to a club in the car alone with a close girl friend of his.. they've met people there but it's a long drive there and they stay out late. Every time he mentioned her he would add 'the one with a boyfriend who wants to go on the double date'.. still haven't seen her, her boyfriend or a double date. I confronted him about this one and he hasn't gone out alone with her since. He goes to clubs without me a lot, but we always fight when we go so thats why i prefer not to go.

3. He showed up with another girl to his sporting game one time, when i met them there, and she barely spoke to me. Then coincidentally stepped on my foot really hard the next week when she was drunk at a club. He says he stopped speaking to her after that.

4. The other night when i didn't see my boyfriend, he was tipsy that night and kept calling me, but he also told me that while i was at work a female friend of his came over for about 20-30 minutes by herself, before going out with her friends. His brother and his girlfriend thought he was cheating on me with her because the door was shut with music on.. he denied anything happening of course but i believe him cause they're trouble making liars.

Just wondering which scenarios, if any, are normal for a guy to do that has a girlfriend? And is it normal in general to allow my boyfriend to spend alone time with female friends or should i have a tighter leash lol?

[vashti]

You can't really stop him, but I will say that in general, I don't believe that males and females can really TRULY be friends unless one of them is gay. Friends have no sexual interest in one another, and in my experience, in a male/female "friendship" one person or the other is thinking about sex (or relationship potential).

[VincenzoG91]

I'm probably not a good person to answer this question because I'm somewhat old-fashioned about relationships, but there are only four types of female friends ever in my life:

1. The significant other of one of my guy friends.
2. Work friend that I never spend time around when away from the office.
3. Fellow participant in a group activity, like a coed sports team.
4. Woman that I am trying to convert from friend to girlfriend. If I ever start to spend a lot of time with one of the previous three types, it's because I'm trying for the relationship, or at least to get laid. Except that I would never go after a friend's girlfriend or anybody's wife, because I value friendships.

[smackie9]

I don't know why you are dating this guy....he seems to be out partying with his females friends more than you....You'd think a BF would want to spend his time with his girl. Don't get me wrong, I may grab a beer after work with a male co-worker, but they are married and we have one beer and go our separate ways, not out tying one on for the night. So there needs to be boundries set when you're in a relationship, but with this guy I doubt very highly he would interested in that. If you don't feel things are right, most likely they are not. Personally I would dump him.

[surfhb]

From my perspective, if I want to hang out I'll hang out with the guys. Clubbing with a female friend while I have a GF and she's off limits? I couldn't imagine anything more mind numbing then that

[searock]

Guys and girls can be friends, in my experience and those of most my friends.

However, it seems that your bf is crossing relationship boundaries with his female "friends. Referring to your examples:

1. Wouldn't make me worry unless he met the girls often and/or without telling me beforehand and/or without inviting me to go with him.

2. Is definitely fishy. Are you sure he stopped going with her, or is he just not telling you anymore? Regularly spending LOTS of one on one time with an opposite sex friend while in a relationship is pretty much always risky. Also, why do you always end up fighting when you go to the club together?

3. It might be just the girl that's crazy, then again: are you sure he stopped talking to her?

4. ...come on. Why are you even still with this guy? How would *he* react if he knew that *you* were alone in a room with another guy "listening to music" for half an hour? Unless the girl is a childhood friend of his or something (in which case his brother would've known), there's a 99% chance that he was cheating on you.

There's a very high chance that none of those women are actually friends of his. I'd say they are sexual interests that, in the best scenario, he's keeping around as an "easy escape" if things don't work out with you. The worst case scenario is that he's already cheating on you.

[Cerby]

My best friend is a female, I've known her for over 10 years and my gf is totally ok with out hanging out alone, whether we hang out all day or go out and get hammered at night.

But to searock's point, this is almost a childhood friend, so it doesn't quick stack up the same way as hanging out with females all the time. I think I would be uneasy if my gf was out with guys all the time. I don't have a problem with her hanging out with male friends here and there though, as long as it doesn't step on the toes of our relationship.

[haxan]

They're just friends. Why would you be concerned?

[Wakeup]

This is your second post on this same subject only you've re-worded it to make it sound less like he's actually doing something wrong and you're just innocently inquiring. You bloody know that you have reason to not trust him but you're too afraid to rock the boat in case you cramp his player style and he dumps you for causing waves. You're not alright with him hanging with his lady crew so why wouldn't you ask him to curtail the one on one "dates" he's going on with them. Dude still wants his cake and eat it too. You shouldn't be able to act single if you want to be a couple as far as I'm concerned.

I'd believe his brother and his gf. You're guy spends far too much time with women he's been to bed with. He keeps the door open in case you don't work out.

IMO this is not about friendship.. opposite sex or otherwise.

He crosses respectful relationship boundaries. Why is he hanging out with other women so consistantly when you are'nt with him? Listen to your gut, it's trying to tell you something for goodness sakes.

[IndiReloaded]

1. The significant other of one of my guy friends.
2. Work friend that I never spend time around when away from the office.
3. Fellow participant in a group activity, like a coed sports team.
4. Woman that I am trying to convert from friend to girlfriend. If I ever start to spend a lot of time with one of the previous three types, it's because I'm trying for the relationship, or at least to get laid. Except that I would never go after a friend's girlfriend or anybody's wife, because I value friendships.

Sounds about right to me. Though as one gets older, I think its possible for men and women to be friends w/o the big sex hangup. Or at least, if it gets raised as an issue, its less likely to be a big deal if one or other doesn't bite (lol). Companionship is just as important as sex, IMO. In fact, sex often seems easier to find than a decent companion.

[sadie_genie]

A guy who has a girlfriend but rather be partying than hanging out with you? Sounds like he just isn't that into you and still acting like he is single.

[JustPassing]

Seems like you are a very understanding and patient person OP and sounds like you are calmly assessing the situation and not letting insecurities etc get the better of you, which is really commendable.

And I know this is the "Ask a Male" forum... but reading about your situation brought my own nightmare past flooding back again (well not really "flooding back again" as it still haunts me everyday... ) and I feel the need to explain what happened to me and warn you that if you do decide to discuss things with your bf... to be careful of how you word things and to try not to let your emotions get the better of you.

Basically what happened was... I had plans to visit my bf (now long since ex bf ) over the weekend and his holiday week, but he cancelled on me at the last minute... telling me he was having an old female friend stay with him instead and that he didn't want me there. I tried really hard to be ok with it, but unlike you I could not handle it at all and the whole situation made me feel really rejected. So I decided to tell him how I felt in hopes that he wouldn't act that way again and that I could meet his old female friend next time she visited and be there too. When I did though he just insisted that I was being too clingy and that I needed to stop or we had a problem. Its at this point I made my biggest mistake.. the biggest mistake of my life... because I was so upset I snapped at him and told him if he couldn't understand how I felt then I didn't think our relationship would work out.

Well... he couldn't understand and he was so angry and disappointed with me. It still haunts me today and I can not begin to tell you how much I regret those words now. Of course I apologized best I could after the event and he said he forgave me but he didn't want me back. Its getting on for 2 years now since we split up and I STILL miss him terribly and regret those words everyday.

I agree with other posters that if you are uncomfortable about his behavior that you should discuss things with him and preferably come to some compromise where hopefully he'll show you that you're his number one priority... But I would just advise caution when it comes to how you talk to him about it... and would suggest you really think about whether you love him enough to "put up with" (for want of better words) this aspect of his personality before you mention things to him. Because once you've said something harsh like I did... sometimes you can never take it back again and sometimes it will cause a rift between two people that can never be repaired.

As you sound so much calmer than I was I'm sure this won't happen to you. But just felt I should say something because in situations like this your emotions can sometimes overwhelm you and cloud your thinking. Of this I know only too well.

Still, I wish you the very best of luck and please let us know what happens!

[searock]

JustPassing, what your ex did was wrong. He cancelled the plans he had with you to spend a weekend with a friend, while he could've simply invited the friend *as well as you*. It would have been wrong even if he friend was a guy to not let you stay with them, since you had already made plans to visit. Be happy that he's gone.

[VincenzoG91]

JustPassing, that dude totally cheated on you. No question about it.

[cheeky&sexy]

Wow i am surprised by all of the responses so quickly. I admit i was scared to come back and read posts because i was scared of what people might say, even though nobody knows me or him and it's an anonymous forum.. i just didn't want to be attacked and made to feel like a fool. But i'm glad nearly everybody who responded was kind to me, which i appreciate. For the record, we see each other between 4 and 7 days a week. I can't be in a smothering relationship.. I am the one who needs the space more than he does. It's not that his off with these girls cause he'd rather spend time with them than me.. hanging out with his friends, including girls, is the backup option for when i'm busy or need my own time. He doesn't spend time with any girls his made out with or slept with, as far as i know.

I've realised that i wasn't being completely clear about the frequency of events, etc. He goes clubbing like once or twice a week, i go sometimes but i don't really like going and i feel the fact that i trust him enough to let him go says something about his character. I didn't mean to make it sound like he is always hanging out with girls alone, that's not the truth. He went to a club alone with his close girl friend 3 times over a 4 month period. He does have heaps of friends and acquaintances, so it's understandable that nearly every time he goes to the shops he runs into someone and may have a chat with them. He has only mentioned on a couple of occasions over our entire relationship that his had a girl friend over briefly. Rarely does he talk about the same girl, i'd think if he was cheating he would narrow it down to one or two rather than like 10 or more that would make it way easier for me to find out.. it's illogical.

Maybe i am suddenly feeling the need to defend him and myself against some of these posts because we made up today after a fight, or because i don't want to believe the worst, i don't know. His been cheated on before by his only other love, his long term gf from a few years ago, he said his never cheated, he was raised by grandparents who taught him great morals, i just don't think he could do that to me or anybody. I guess aside from the 'do you think he cheated?' question i obviously projected, i was just wondering if this is normal among many guys and what their girlfriends let their guys get away with. There was a 1% of doubt i had, but i realise now that people who have been exposed to cheating are going to think the worst, and those who haven't and have been in similar situations that were innocent are going to think the best.

JustPassing- thank you for sharing your story, it really struck a chord with me and i'm sorry that happened to you, it's horrible. I appreciate you warning me, because when i got mad about the two girls in my example he says he doesnt hang out with alone/speak to anymore, we got in a fight over it and i didn't approach it well. I haven't really approached him about example number 4, the most recent, because i was so caught up in being mad at his brother and his gf that i never spoke to him about my concerns about the girl. But i'm going to approach it in a calm manner and come to a compromise that he doesn't spend alone time with girls anymore. Of course i'll never know if he starts doing it behind my back though. But i can only try to trust.. thanks again for your advice!

Thanks again for your responses.