Confused about a relationship

[balloon]

Hey all

I was wondering if i could get your opinions on a relationship;


I guess it's quite a simple one, i suppose i was wondering if people here think that you should always be looking to have special feelings in an relationship?

I've been in a relationship for around 8 months with a girl, when i met her i didn;t really think that she would be my girlfriend, i suppose i didn't get those strong feelings for her that i have had for previous girls that i have dated. So we started dating but i didn't really offer her much committment. after a while though i thought i was being unfair to her so i tried hard to think about whether i wanted to be with her. That time (about 5 months ago) i told her that i thought we should just be friends. Well, we have stayed together in some sense still untill now, have told her that we should still be friends at some points and i have been with her at other points.

I suppose the relationship is confusing for me because; although i didn't get any special feelings for her, like 'i've found the one, i'll keep her forever' (which i've had before but didn't work out). I probably get along better with her than any of my previous girlfriends. I really like her, and i respect her and i care for her. There are also many good things in the relationship, we communicate very well, i think we trust each other and respect each other. I think we would get along well if we stayed together.

So sometimes i think i am stupid for thinking of leaving it.

When i'm with her i have to try and stop myself from looking at other women, it's not simply admiring them it's more thinking that they are better than her. I think that is a pretty big problem.

I remember when i was single, and had been for a while, i was thinking that i would be happy to have a girl like i have now. I also think it's stupid to leave something that has so many qualities of a good relationship.

I sort of worry that i will also be throwing away relationships and don't want to start dating girls that i don't like. I think that i will not get along as well with most other girls out there.

Anyway, i suppose what i wanted to talk about is; are those special feelings important? should it feel like a special romance, or do people go for ones that fit well with you? Or of course both. I guess i think my relationship has a lot of the bread and butter things, but it doesn't feel special to me.

[bulrush]

I don't know if a person can find a perfect match ("the one") but you can get pretty close if you look long enough.

[searock]

You should break up with her. It's not fair for her, she has the right to be with someone who is in love with her. At least let her know that you aren't in love with her, be explicit. Give her the possibility of choosing, at least. And of course you should break up for yourself as well. You are wasting your and your gf's time, with this love-less relationship (love as in, deep romantic love).

[vashti]

I think the answer depends on how old you are; if you are in your 20s to mid 30s, you are probably too young to settle for companionship. If you are older than that, my answer wouldn't be as clear-cut. I think deep, romantic love is the stuff of young people, and is more elusive (and less important) later on.

[pisces25]

How old are you?

[balloon]

Yeah i think you are right, i had considered this; i thought i would be happy with this relationship, or it is the relationship that one would perhaps settle for, as in something that works, rather than a feeling like i've found the love of my life.

I'm 26 and this is my third proper relationship. Another thing is i am currently living in a foreign country so sometimes i feel lonely, i worry that i use her for a crutch sometimes.

I feel bad too because she always seems to have so much more invested in the relationship and does more for me, whereas i have to sort of remind myself to do more rather than be driven by strong feelings.

It's just hard to leave something that seemingly doesn't have many problems. I actually broke up with her many times, and tried to do the right thing, but it gets harder and harder and more confusing as it goes on. we are currently seperated but we still have phone calls most days.

[searock]

I know it's hard because I've been in a similar situation, my ex was way more emotionally invested in the relationship than I was, I always knew that he wasn't the one for me and I would never have been in love with him. I tried to break up once but then we got back together the very same day and although our relationship was never bad in itself (in itself, it was perfect), I ended up having feelings for another guy and eventually breaking up with my ex. The longer you let it go on, the worse it gets when you eventually do break up. I just had a nightmare of having to break up with my ex actually, I woke up thinking "thanks god I already did it!", and it happened a year ago. Just get it done with, it will be hard but eventually you will feel better, because you'll always known that you've done the right thing, the true thing.

For the record, breaking up => no more sex!

[growtogether]

Hello Balloon,
I think those important feelings that you are looking for are crucial in a good relationship. If I bring you back in the past, back in one of your relationships, what were there that was important for you in your relationship? If you can name 5 important points, what would they be?

[balloon]

Hey,

Thanks for all the replies so far

In answer to you, growtogether, i suppose of all the relationships that i've had so far, this relationship has some of the things that i value highly; which are

ability to have fun together
trusting each other and mutual respect

i suppose the things that i've liked from other relationships that are perhaps missing from this one are

STRONG physical attraction (and chemistry)
intellectual stimulation

and the fifth ingredient; i'm not really sure

[wizardox]

balloon, I chance upon your thread and feel that I am in a similar situation as you, except that I have been in this relationship longer than yours, for 6 years.

What you have described totally hit on my feelings about my current relationship. So I thought I would share my feelings too.

I started off with my girlfriend not having those strong feelings for her. However, we got along pretty well and have lots of fun together. We were like best friends. We eventually started dating and became a couple. We have a lot of trust and respect for each other. She is my first girlfriend and I always thought I would be happy to have a girlfriend whom I could trust and respect.

The problem, however, is I still admire other girls. Just as you do, I tend to think of certain girls being better than her. Sometimes, I really wished that my girlfriend was some other girl whom I admire. I have to refrain myself from developing admirations into infatuations with other girls. I have to always remind myself that she is not just a best friend, but my girlfriend. Sometimes, I have to even drag myself to invest my time in or do something for her, which makes me wonder if I was doing something for her out of love or just out of fulfilling my role as a boyfriend. I feel extremely terrible and bad because I think she is a good person.

On the surface, we really have no problems at all. I never break up with her though the idea has ever come across my mind. But, I fear that I would regret giving up a relationship that seems so perfect; a relationship that has so much trust and respect is difficult to build up. I fear that I would end up not able to find another girlfriend forever. I fear that leaving her would eventually reveal to be a mistake in my life. With so much fears, nothing is really done to the problem.

This has been a bothersome thought. To not let the thought disrupt my life, I escape from it. I let it pass on day after day. After 6 years, I'm still struggling to find a resolution to my dilemma. Of all the complexities, I feel that my admiration for other girls is most bothersome because it constantly reminds me that my girlfriend is not the one yet. Occasionally, I question myself if I was single or attached during the past half decade. Other times, I thought if things could have been better if I had kept her as my best friend. Most of time, I question myself if my relationship with my girlfriend is love.

She is my first girlfriend and I have a small social circle. The long period of time with her has made our lives feel almost dependant on each other's. I don't know if this a good thing or not. I'm still figuring out. You have had previous girlfriends and so you are probably more experience than me in this.

Thanks for sharing your problem here. I wish you good luck in your relationship.

[balloon]

you're going through something similiar Jason?

yeah, i think you are right searock, it's just a confusing one; in some ways this is the best relationship i've had, in terms of how we get along together

but i suppose i think that that is not enough, there;s also the time invested, i don't really want to replace her at the moment, there's the trust that's been built and so on; did you have all that with your ex searock?

[searock]

Yes, he was like family to me. It was heartbreaking to break up with him, that's why I kept postponing it, but I always knew it would have to be done sooner or later.

[balloon]

Hey Wizardox, thanks for sharing that with me

Actually it sounds pretty much identical to my situation, how you describe how you feel about your girlfriend and your admiration and comparing her with other girls is the same.

I wouldn't say that i am that much more experienced though, my experience has only really taught me how good things are with her.

However, i did have one girlfriend before which was a little bit special in terms of the feelings that i felt, and with her there was no thought of other girls or comparing her to others. That relationship was much much much easier to leave though because i didn't trust her or feel like she was a very good person. I suppose that having dated her i could see that something was missing from this relationship, and it's something that i want and something that i feel i could have again.

but it just seems ridiculous leaving someone i get along so well with and connect well too.

But i do feel like it is unfair on her, i'm just the same as you, having to remind myself to do more for her. It's not really right.

Sorry i cannot give any real advice (obivously) but i suppose it's nice to feel that there are people sharing the experiences

[pisces25]

My ex was like you. Had to kind of force himself to feel really attracted to me, despite us having an amazing emotional connection. Best thing I ever did was break it off coz now I have found someone who feels the same as me. I think you should build the courage to move on, it will be better for you both in the long run.