My boyfriend's sister calls too much

[nikki_s]

My boyfriend and I are in our early 20's. We've been together about three years, and we have lived together for most of that time. We both work, and our hours are a little crazy. Many days we only get to spend 2-3 hours together because of our different schedules. His sister, who is two years younger than him, lives a few hours away from us and we only get to see her about once a month or so. I do really like her and consider her a friend, and we have a lot of fun together when we hang out. But lately, she's started doing this thing where she calls every day, at least once (but sometimes multiple times) and wants to talk to him for hours. We used to live only ten minutes from her, and during that time she didn't even talk to either of us. We both got new jobs and had to move last year, and for the past few months she seems to be starved for his attention.

I really have no problem with him talking to her, because I know they miss each other and I know how it feels to live away from your family. It's just how often she calls, and how long she wants to talk to him for. A lot of times our plans are interrupted because she wants to talk to him, and she tends to get offended when he tells her he's busy (which he has started doing a lot more often). She'll call when we're having dinner, really late at night, or when we're out doing something together. She called the other day when we were in the middle of cleaning the house, and got all upset that I was talking to him in the background. He had told her we were busy but that he could still talk, so you'd think she'd understand that he wouldn't be giving her 100% of his attention. Apparently she made some comment about me being greedy and taking up all his time. I really don't think I am, but when she calls multiple times a day, chances are she's going to call when we're spending time together at least once... so that's probably why she has that impression. It actually kind of hurt my feelings that she would say that, but I can't confront her about it or anything since I'm technically not supposed to know she said that.

Does anyone have any tips on how I can deal with the sister situation without upsetting anyone?

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Nope. You or the sister is going to be upset no matter what most likely. Just tell your boyfriend that it's starting to get out of hand and it's aggravating you. He'll either listen or he won't but beyond that there's not much you can do, other than leave him.

[vashti]

Why is it any of YOUR business how often he talks to his sister? This is between the two of THEM, not you.

Nothing is less attractive than two women bickering about how a man "gets" to spend his time. It's HIS choice, and it sounds like you don't like the choices he makes. If that is the case, then get rid of him.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Rawwwwwwr!



(for dramatic effect)

[nikki_s]

Nope. You or the sister is going to be upset no matter what most likely. Just tell your boyfriend that it's starting to get out of hand and it's aggravating you. He'll either listen or he won't but beyond that there's not much you can do, other than leave him.

My boyfriend has been listening to me, and he does agree that she calls way too much. He's usually pretty good about telling her when we're busy, but there are times where she gets upset and will guilt trip him into talking to her for a while. Her calls always end up lasting so long too, even if he tells her he can just talk for a bit.

Why is it any of YOUR business how often he talks to his sister? This is between the two of THEM, not you.

Nothing is less attractive than two women bickering about how a man "gets" to spend his time. It's HIS choice, and it sounds like you don't like the choices he makes. If that is the case, then get rid of him.

It's my business when it interferes with our plans. It's not like I hoard him to myself, because like I said we have very little time to spend together. She still lives with their family so she has a lot of free time and gets bored a lot, which is probably why she calls so often. There are days where she talks to him more than I do, and when I come home from work she doesn't want to get off the phone with him. I do like the choices he makes, and I try to be understanding. My boyfriend's family is very important to him and I'd never put him in a situation where he had to choose between me and a family member. I feel like his sister is kinda starting to put him in that situation though, since she's the one who makes a big deal about it.

I'm not bickering about how he spends his time. I've never brought this up with her, and I haven't been overly aggressive when talking to my boyfriend about it. I've let him know that it bothers me that when we do have plans to do something together, it's often interrupted by his sister. I think it's kind of sad you'd suggest that I "get rid of him". We work through our problems very well because we always talk things over BEFORE they escalate into something much worse and I honestly look down on people who will just throw a relationship away without trying to fix things, because that just seems selfish and lazy.

I wasn't posting this to complain about my boyfriend, because there are no problems between us. We are totally on the same page with this whole thing. I was more looking for advice on how we can deal with the situation with his sister, because we've tried pretty much everything we can possibly think of (short of saying something that might upset her) and I just wanted to see if anyone else had any more ideas.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Have him set a hard time limit on how long he will talk to her at the beginning of a call, and stick to it.

If that doesn't work, be direct and say something that might(probably will) upset her, like telling her that calling so often for so long is invasive of his personal life. She needs to grow up anyway.

[vashti]

Let him figure this out on his own. It's HIS sister, and ultimately, HIS problem.

YOUR problem is that your boyfriend doesn't know how to set limits.

[nikki_s]

Have him set a hard time limit on how long he will talk to her at the beginning of a call, and stick to it.

If that doesn't work, be direct and say something that might(probably will) upset her, like telling her that calling so often for so long is invasive of his personal life. She needs to grow up anyway.

That will probably end up being the case... he has tried setting time limits with her before but she seems to completely disregard them or get upset when he tries to end the call when he said he'd have to. He's gotten pretty good at doing that, but she seems to try to make him feel guilty about it. But you're right... I think he'll have to end up saying something like that since nothing else seems to be working with her. Thanks for your advice!

[Jason521]

Thanks for your post

[searock]

Maybe he says that he doesn't like his sister calling so often because he knows it annoys you, and maybe he does mean it to some level, but maybe at the same time he enjoys talking with her for that a long time... obviously he wouldn't tell you because it would probably hurt your feelings/make you mad. I see your point though. You've told him that it annoys you, now it's up to him to set limits. Perhaps his sister is passing a difficult time and needs extra support - what would you do if it were your brother who needed help?