Overreacting...

[GirlFromMars]

Hi there, I am new to this forum but would really love some opinions/advice on some issues I am having (will try to keep this short).

Some background info: Mr C and I live together, have been in a relationship for 6 years and have one child and one on the way.

Recently Mr C bought an iPad. Which we both use, but it is primarily his as I tend to use the laptop. While he was in the shower, I picked it up to play sudoku. His Facebook was logged in and the Inbox was obviously the last thing he viewed as it popped up on the screen. One thing I found a bit peculiar is that the messages in the inbox were all from the last day (there were only 3-4). He doesn't use Facebook often so he says, why would he bother deleting his messages?

Fast forward to today, I pick up the laptop and see that he's still signed on his user name. I am naughty and admit I opened the internet browser, opened Facebook (he can't have signed out because it came up on his profile). I feel awful, but I clicked on his inbox to see if the 3 or so messages where still there and they were, but underneath it says 'archived messages'. I clicked. Lots of messages appear and this is where the I wish I had not looked.

There are 4 messages on there that have upset me the most.

One from him to a woman that reads 'Hey how you doing?..I'm real worried you'll be offended if I don't accept request I really want too but itll cause me so much grief if I do but I'd like you to stay in touch if you want to my email is CENSORED. Don't know if that message came out properly so my email is [email]CENSORED@hotmail.co.uk[/email] mob is CENSORED hope you ok x' I have never heard of this woman, he has never mentioned her at all. Seems a bit desperate to me. Why send this to someone? I am guessing she has sent him a friend request and this is his reply.

The second is from a guy he knows who lives in the same village as us (I have never met him). It was sent on Mr C's birthday, guy asks how's things and Mr C's reply was 'shit mate lol birthday today boring as ****'. This has upset me. The guys reply was that he was in the village also bored. We spent Mr C's birthday together, I took him out for an expensive meal and drove so that he could drink. I had to save up for weeks to afford it as I work part time, he sat there ordered and picked at his food I thought I had made a real effort considering, I also spent �100 on a pair of new trainers for him that he wanted for his birthday. But before the meal he rushed out for a couple of hours for a drink with a mate (he said a different one but now I'm thinking he prob went out with this guy instead?

Third from an old mate of his (again who I have never met) Mr C tells him that we are expecting another baby due June (wrong month). How could Mr C not know when his own baby is due! Mind you he missed 2 of the 3 scans I have had, as well as all appointments so far (this pregnancy, has been a complicated one, and has also been hard on me as I suffered the miscarriage of this baby's twin during the first trimester).

The last message has riled me, from him to a female that I have a problem with. At the beginning of the year he joined Twitter and had her on there, 'tweets' were going back and forth 10-15 times a day, he would end every 'tweet to her with 2 kisses (he does this with me) and referred to her as being his 'lovey' he calls me his lovely. I would text Mr C during the day and he would not reply, then later tell me he was busy working-but seemingly has time to 'tweet' this woman tho! Then one evening he was sat on the sofa infront of me constantly on his phone and giggling! Assuming this had something to do with twitter I look on his profile and hers to see that they are openly flirting, and the giggles where because he'd offered to give her a massage which she had eagerly accepted. Meanwhile I was trying to clean/tidy while I had been advised to rest due to my condition. This occasion I called him up on it, told him I felt uncomfortable with the conversations and that I was unhappy with it. After a row he said he'd not talk to her again. I asked Mr C where this woman worked (I had a feeling I knew and suggested the firm), he said she doesn't work there but that her mate worked there and that was it, or so I thought. The message Mr C sent to the woman was sent 3 weeks ago. He started the conversation saying that he hadn't spoken in a while but he'd gone passed her work earlier, would she have been there. She replied saying no she wasn't. Again the messages were ended with 2 kisses.

I feel that he is deliberately keeping stuff from me...again (it has happened in the past on a few occasions) I had got over those but now I'm feeling stressed and depressed again over this. Why say he doesn't know where the woman works when he does? Who the hell is the mystery woman that he is so desperate to keep in touch with but without my knowledge, and can he really love me like he says when he'll tell his mates that he's bored on his birthday when I went to so much effort for him. I am so upset. He can be really nasty at times but then will say the right things to win me round and it's gradually wearing me down now. It also upsets me that he keeps a distance between me and his friends, if we are both invited to an event together by one of his mates he will always end up going alone. He says that I'm too good for him but honestly I think he's embarrassed, why else would he make excuses for me not to meet his friends?

Feel free to ask any questions.

Am I overreacting?

[searock]

I don't think you're over reacting... he sounds like a jerk. He disrespects you in many ways, not only he keeps things from you but he also openly lies to you. And while it's ok for everyone to sometimes hang out with friends without the partner, it's not ok to deliberately prevent your friends from hanging out with you and your partner as a couple. He is taking you for granted, because he knows that you won't really do anything to make him respect you. I think you've stuck with this guy for too long already. I feel sorry for the kids, but I really think you should dump him.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Agree with Searock. You've already taught him how to treat you. That on top of having your second child..he knows you're not going anywhere, so he doesn't have to respect you. He may not even want this relationship or this child, or both, in which case there's really nothing stopping him from acting any way he pleases. My guess is that he feels trapped. Probably best to leave now as it doesn't seem like he's helping much with the pregnancy anyway.

How old are you two?

[TeeJay19]

Yeah, I know you want to try and make it work because of the kids, but searock is right, you need to leave this guy. He doesn't respect you and he doesn't appreciate everything that you do for him. You'd be a lot better off without him.

[Jason278]

It blows my mind

[GirlFromMars]

Back up: I'm 30, he's 27.

So I've had it out with him. Told him I snooped, what I found and how I felt about it all.

He is insistent that he does not know the woman who he messaged on Facebook with his mobile & email. He says he can't remember doing it or why he would send her his details. I have said that I don't accept this, it is not normal to message people you don't know your mobile number just because.

He also defended his message to the woman who he flirted with on Twitter. But later said he was out of order, that he agrees that he should have deleted her from his Twitter/Facebook when I first said I was uncomfortable at the beginning of this year.

End result, in a huff he's deactivated his Facebook. I know it'll only be a matter of time before he'll re-activate it.

I did tell him that it was the end for us. To me it sometimes feels that he thinks he can do what he likes as long as he says that he loves me and says sorry after then its ok. I have told him this and said that saying sorry does not make it ok. IMO once can be a mistake, anything more is deliberate.

I find it kinda odd that he didn't use the 'why are you spying on me' card.

Pretty convinced i'll be alone for quite some time, I'm aware that it would take a special man to take on a woman as well as 2 children from a previous relationship if any. And I know that the little support I will get will be when it suits him.

[searock]

You did the right thing, good for you :-).

[GirlFromMars]

Feel so disappointed. He deactivated his Facebook account-fine (though the damage has already been done).

One hour later...re-activated it, can see how much he meant it. Knew it wouldn't last long but didn't expect it to be that quick either!

So angry as I feel that in disrespecting me, he is also doing the same to our son.

Oh, and I figured out who the 'unknown' woman was. She is a neighbour of a friend of a friend, we went out in a big group one night and my mate tells me he's flirting at the bar with the neighbour. I thought nothing of it at the time and he was drunk. Then the following day he sent her that message. He claims he was drunk, I know that is NO excuse for flirting with other women. Especially when I'm there and where my friends can see too is a piss take! One flaw it his story, he wasn't drunk the following day when he sent the message. Game over.

knob!