Am I in the wrong?

[Greg1967]

I'm married and my wife lives a 2 hour drive away. We live separately due to our jobs. I have 2 teenage sons that live with me from a prior marriage. I have full custody. Anyway, I put in for a week off from work about a month or more in advance so I could travel with my sons somewhere on spring break. My wife knew this of coarse, and she said she might go but wasn't sure. She doesn't like traveling with my kids, and she puts a damper on things anyway when we travel with them so I'm fine with her not going. It gives me one on one time with my kids as well. I'll add that I have not taken my kids any where in about 3 years.

So about a week before spring break, I'm in oh crap I haven't figured out where I'm gonna go mode. I told my wife I was thinking about taking the boys, to DC., on the weekend before. Then on Tuesday before I've finalized any plans she tells me her OBYGN called to schedule surgery for uterous scraping, it's an elective surgery and considered a minor procedure to reduce heavy menstration. She scheduled it on the following Tuesday when I'm in the middle of making plans to travel. I'm thinking to myself ok, but surely you don't expect me to be there with you as you know I want to travel. WRONG! So we get in to an argument and I tell her look I've had this scheduled more than a month ago why would you schedule this when you know I want to travel. She tells me, "you don't expect me to put life on hold do you?"

So that night I'm thiningk to myself if my marriage can not with stand me taking my boys somewhere on spring break then it isn't much of a marriage so let the chips fall where they may. I booked a flight for 3 to DC leaving that Tues. I emailed the itinerary to her, and told her she is more than welcome to come.

She normally comes home on the weekends and telecomutes on mondays. Well she didn't come home for 2 weeks after that and she didn't talk much to me. Just stonewalling all my attempts to make up. She acted as if I had abandoned her in her greastest hour of need. She was mad because I left on tuesday and not Wendsday. She finally came home after we'd been apart for three weeks and all this tension built up. We ended up having the biggest argument ever and it now looks like divorce is on the horizon. It got ugly going from bad to worse.

The marriage has become so dysfunctional. So am I the selfish ass she thinks I am?

[searock]

Well... why couldn't you leave just one day later (wednesday)? Would it have really changed anything? You could've stayed with your kids one day longer to make up for it, and you would have been there for her surgery. I would hate it if my partner left me alone when I had surgery, unless it was for an emergency or something scheduled before my surgery that he couldn't postpone.

[Greg1967]

Something was scheduled before her surgery, a month before her surgery. I just procrastinated getting the tickets and setting the exact travel dates. I had that whole week off for one purpose, and that was to take my sons somewhere, one of which is graduating high school.

Yes leaving Wendsday changes a lot. It's an expensive trip, I live on the West coast. If I left Wendsday I would lose a day or I have to come back Sunday and have to show up for work the next day wiped out.. The trip with a layover took over 12 hours of travel time. Also the tickets were several hundred more traveling on a Sunday.

[Wakeup]

You don't have a marriage, you have a convenience with one another that has become no longer convenient for either of you. She's a selfish twit for booking her D&C when she knew you would be leaving. If she wanted you with her then she should have booked it the following month when you would be back and you could hold her hand, drive her to and from the procedure and been happy to help her.

You don't even live with one another and you can't keep it humming along nicely so I think that you're both wasting your time with one another.

I don't think you did anything wrong.

[vashti]

I think she was testing you, and you failed.

I am sure SHE was thinking that since you live with the boys and see them every day, her surgery should be a priority. I can't say that I blame her.
You are thinking that your time with the boys is running out, so you'd better do something nice with them. I don't blame you, either.

How long has she been living apart from you? Have you EVER lived together? I bet she feels very much alone, and let's face it: she IS. That's not what marriage is supposed to be about. Maybe you should have been working on this over the last two years, and then she wouldn't have felt the need to try to sabotage your vacation?

[Jason250]

He may be tempted you in it

[searock]

I agree with what Vashti said.

I also think she was testing you. I understand that leaving on Wednesday would have been more difficult for you in terms of expenses, but this is surgery we're talking about. Clearly she wanted you to be there for her. How would you feel if she left you alone (completely alone) on a similar occasion? You could have stayed a day less on holiday to be there for her, after all. Also, maybe Tuesday was the only day available without having to wait too long to reschedule.

How often do you go on trips with her? You live with your kids, while she lives alone, even if she's your wife. You see them every day, so she obviously feels like you should give *her* more attention in your free time. If she can't get along with your kids, how do you think this marriage is going to work? Why do you think she isn't happy when it's the four of you together?

[Jason250]

it is amazing!

[smackie9]

You know what, your situation licked balls anyways. The reasons? because of your jobs you have to live separately (no compromise), second she couldn't stand being around your kids (red flag), and she is a stick in the mud for going anywhere with (no compatibility).....what the hell kind of relationship is that? You both are at fault...for getting married in the first place. It's a FAIL.

[dem862]

It sounds to me like she has been looking for a way to end this relationship without looking like the bad guy. So she purposely set up her surgery to conflict with your trip knowing you would choose your flesh and blood over her, so she could act like a drama queen and blame you for breaking up the marriage. She probably has another man waiting in the wings.