I am just so lost right now.

[elephantlove]

Hey guys, I know I'm new but I really could use some advice.

I am completely unhappy in my relationship. Not sure how many people read my intro post, but I'm engaged to be married at the end of August. I've been dating my fiance for 5 years and I've known him longer. We've been engaged for 16 months, too. So it's not like any of this is just new... I don't know if it's the stress of the wedding planning or what, but I am so unhappy. I grew up in a hard household and have always been independent. That was the first thing I told my fiance, I didn't like to be dependent on others. I don't think he minds, I mean what guy wouldn't... But the thing is, I'm not a fan of others being dependent on me (kids don't count). I am really responsible and it bugs me that he's forgetful. He will forget to make his car or student loan payment and if I don't badger him for DAYS or WEEKS, he just won't do it. He's like wayyyy laid back. I don't know why this all of a sudden bother me. I told him I'm not his mother and will not turn into one when I am his wife and he needs to be more responsible in life and do things without me having to tell him a thousand times. I made it clear in the beginning of our relationship that I was an independent person and I needed to be with someone who was independent. I know this probably all sounds neurotic and as I'm writing I feel like I'm just complaining... But it's just how I am. I can't help that. I asked him outright recently if I had to change who I am because obviously this isn't working. Did I have to become that person who the other spouse depends like 110% on? I honestly feel like he's 5. I have to do everything or remind him to do something or force him to do something or... I'm so frustrated. I can't do this forever. I told him outright that I'm unhappy. I am so depressed and we haven't even started our life together yet. We don't typically fight. We always got along, solved problems with ease and now all this BS. His mom is like all over him and was before. She did EVERYTHING for him. And when we got engaged I told him that had to stop, that this wasn't going on anymore. And I mean, she bought his clothes, dictated what he wore, how he looked... It was ridiculous! It wasn't till the engagement that I knew this and he saw nothing wrong with it. Until I told him in words and he was like, "Oh wow that's bad." But now I feel like he has shifted all of that onto me. I'm sorry but that is not my job. He needs to be responsible for his own well-being. I will be his wife, but I will not be his mother.

Am I crazy? I don't know. I can't even talk to any of my friends. They would completely judge me and tell me that I'm crazy and need to get over it or that I have to leave him. Plus, most of my friends tell me that I have the perfect relationship. I thought so, too. Everything always came so easily for us. I don't know what is wrong with me. I never had any doubts that I would ever be with anyone else. But I can't take this dependency. It's not me, it's my style.

[mwahahaha]

yeah, he sounds like a lazy mofo but his mother sounds great.

[Lobsterpinch]

Oh my god...are you my fiance? She says the exact same thing to me and we have fought about this exact same issue lol. I knew that it was a huge issue for her since she has crazy OCD with completing tasks on her planner. The fact that I am about to me married to someone with your exact problems means that you are not crazy. My advice would be for both of you to compromise and come up with something that you both can live with. Just don't expect him to completely change and be another "you".

As for my fiance and I, I told her that she needed to stop pestering me and that she only needs to remind me once. In return, I got a planner myself and started writing tasks down (mostly having to do with wedding planning) and I have not forgotten to do anything since we argued. I think that this issue between us is not over yet, but I am completely willing to compromise. She also kept up her end of the bargain and have not "reminded" me of any tasks...yet. We will probably argue about this again before the wedding in 2 months.

[elephantlove]

Ugh, his mother is a nightmare and is making this entire process difficult. He wants to move FAR away from her. I'd miss my family too much or else I'd take him up on it.

Unfortunately, I think you're right. Honestly, he's super laid back. I guess I never realized it. I don't know how to push him. I work with children and I give them like reward systems. What, do I do that now? Treat him like one of my clients? God, I am so out of options.

[Asip4u]

You've been dating this guy for 5 years so you should know if all this stuff is that big a deal. Maybe you just have the normal panic that comes with getting married? A lot of people start coming up with excuses for why they shouldn't be with the other person. As for males who were/are that dependent on their mothers and others in general, it's kinda hard to get rid of that habit so i don't think you'll have an easy time with it. Figure out if this is truly something you cannot live with and go have a talk with him.

[elephantlove]

@LobsterPinch, no you are not haha. I have considered getting him a planner. I have one, but I need it for work to organize all my meetings, deadlines, etc. But I feel like I would be the one writing stuff down in his and making sure he actually checks it. I considered getting him a smart phone for our anniversary (on Friday) and putting stuff in the calendar and making him use the calendar and being religious on it. He still has a flip phone, but I use the calendar in my blackberry in conjunction with my calendar. But it's not even the bills and stuff it's everything else! If I don't make him make appointments for the dentist, the doctor... God, I have to remind him to shave and get his haircut. Like c'mon now. I don't know. Sometimes I wonder if it's the wedding stress and the stress from my job. I do feel crazy though. He's a great man, and I love him deep down. But I don't do dependency. I know that's such a man-like thing to say, but I have been independent and on my own since I was a pre-teen. It's just cemented in my brain.

[Lobsterpinch]

Yes, get him a smart phone ASAP. I had a flip phone for most of my life and got a smart phone just last year...it's amazing the things I can do. I have an app to schedule tasks and appointments and I have an app to keep track of my expenses. Also, he has to be willing to make an effort to change his behavior; you can't force him or he'll resent you. If it was me, I would prefer a calm discussion with my fiance about the issue and what we can do together to make it work. Communication has always been a solution to all of our problems. I hope you get through to him =)

[elephantlove]

Same with us. I talk a lot, haha, so sometimes I think he zones me out. I don't think the old school planner is gonna work with him. He's not a visual person like that. I think I might have to get him an iPhone. I can turn on settings to badger him when things come up so it's not me that's doing it. I have never asked him to change, being in the psych field I know that would cause him to resent me. Which is what is happening now with his mom. He resents her for the control thing. We've had some discussions but he wants to take all the blame, but then he thinks nothing is wrong. It's weird, I know. I think relationships are 50/50. We both have to give and we both have to take. I think we need to sit down and really talk. The last time we talked he wasn't getting it and I was straight forward and was like, "Listen, I'm not happy, so we have to figure this out." I think that was an eye opener for him. I told him to do some soul searching on his behalf and then we would regroup and talk in the coming days when both of us have had time to ponder things. I'm just feeling pretty down and out. Like I said, I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place.

[Jason2]

That is according to your own intend to come

[Rosebud]

I think it's good that you guys are talking all this out and it sounds like he's a pretty good guy. I think this might be some pre-wedding jitters and realizing this is something that's going to be there for awhile and your just in panic mode. Those habits are really hard to break in someone and not to mention, you don't want to change who someone is, they have to change for themselves if it's something they think they need to do. I would really think on whether or not your ready to lose this relationship over that. In other words, is it something you can't live with at all? If it's not then you probably need to reconsider the whole relationship because you can't go in thinking you can change someone.