My Ex is using my son to try and hurt me

[HeartIsAching]

I don't know what to do about it... I don't know how to respond to her.

I sent her an email asking that instead of summer school, that she let him come and spend the summer with me. She responded with "I will get back to you.

In the meantime, I would appreciate an answer to this question - if you are unemployed, how do you propose to take care of ____'s needs while he would be with you?"

Now obviously, I'm not starving and homeless. Even she's not so stupid as to believe that I would invite him here without the means to keep him healthy and protected. She's merely doing this to try and hurt me. How the **** should I respond to this?

I had drafted an email that went thus:

"This is a form of abuse called "Using the children". As I have indicated in the past, I will no longer participate in your abusive games. You may choose whether or not hurting me is more important to you than hurting Gabe; you may choose to say yes or no. Please at least do Gabe the courtesy of asking him what he wants to do.

D____"

My wife has told me (rightly so) that getting her blood up is not the way to get what I want (which is a summer with my progeny), and that I should remove the "As I have indicated in the past...." sentence. What should I say? How should I handle this?

[misombra]

I agree with your wife. Getting up in arms and accusing her of abuse isnt going to help you. I would say this:

Thank you for your concern. I have the will and means to take care of him and you should not worry. I love my son and want to spend the summer with him. Please get back to me soon so I can make plans.

What is your custody situation? She is trying to get you mad so she can say "you cant go with him because he's crazy."

[Wakeup]

I agree with your wife. Getting up in arms and accusing her of abuse isnt going to help you. I would say this:

Thank you for your concern. I have the will and means to take care of him and you should not worry. I love my son and want to spend the summer with him. Please get back to me soon so I can make plans.

What is your custody situation? She is trying to get you mad so she can say "you cant go with him because he's crazy."

I agree with Misombra. You don't want to get her angry so it ends up you two bickering right through the summer while your son is in summer school.

If he's having trouble then perhaps you can see about enrolling him in some tutuoring courses while he's with you(?) and that way you can assure your wife that you have the means to provide for him in all ways.

I'd not put in the 'do Gabe the courtesy" sentence either... I think at the end of the email you might put it in as an afterthought like; "btw have you asked Gabe what he'd like to do?" kind of thing.

Ignore your (understandable) need to retaliate to her insensitive question by not perceiving it as an afront to you and maybe look at it as her just looking out for her/your son's best interests instead.

I think that old adage "You catch more flies with honey than you do with vinegar" may apply here.

Good luck.

I'll add that if you truly mean that you'll no longer participate in her abusive games then don't feed her abusive personality whenever possible. Don't let her see that what she says effects a negative emotional response in you.

[misombra]

...also be very careful about what you put in writing with emails, letters, and texts because she can and will use it against you in the future.

[HeartIsAching]

I agree with Misombra. You don't want to get her angry so it ends up you two bickering right through the summer while your son is in summer school.

If he's having trouble then perhaps you can see about enrolling him in some tutuoring courses while he's with you(?) and that way you can assure your wife that you have the means to provide for him in all ways.

I'd not put in the 'do Gabe the courtesy" sentence either... I think at the end of the email you might put it in as an afterthought like; "btw have you asked Gabe what he'd like to do?" kind of thing.

Ignore your (understandable) need to retaliate to her insensitive question by not perceiving it as an afront to you and maybe look at it as her just looking out for her/your son's best interests instead.

I think that old adage "You catch more flies with honey than you do with vinegar" may apply here.

Good luck.

I'll add that if you truly mean that you'll no longer participate in her abusive games then don't feed her abusive personality whenever possible. Don't let her see that what she says effects a negative emotional response in you.

The summer school isn't because he's having trouble, its just someplace for him to go since his mother is a single parent now.

Knowing that "woman" for as long as I have, it wasn't an insensitive remark, it was deliberate.

I do appreciate your insight and advice though - both you and Misombra. I hadn't sent the email as I already knew it was a mistake.

[misombra]

of course it was deliberate. she was trying to get you to blow a fuse. stir the pot so she could be the "bigger person" when you get defensive. she's a manipulative person, and your son will be hurt the most by it, unfortunately. it's worth it to try to put up with her bullshit best you can and not give up.

it's a biological need, to be bonded to both parents. does she have full physical custody?

[HeartIsAching]

of course it was deliberate. she was trying to get you to blow a fuse. stir the pot so she could be the "bigger person" when you get defensive. she's a manipulative person, and your son will be hurt the most by it, unfortunately. it's worth it to try to put up with her bullshit best you can and not give up.

it's a biological need, to be bonded to both parents. does she have full physical custody?

Sole physical and legal custody.

[misombra]

Well if thats the case i would not be hostile. You can still fight for partial custody if you can keep it together.

[vashti]

How old is the kid? If he is very young, it may not be in his best interests to be away from his mother the whole summer long. Maybe you should go see him instead?

(Just a thought.)

Also, I agree with the others that especially since she holds ALL the power, you're gonna have o get very good at sucking up.

[HeartIsAching]

He's seven. Eight in August.

He's spent more time with me than he did with his mother though. I was his primary care-giver until he was 6 1/2.

[Wakeup]

I dunno... why would it be any worse for him to be away from his mother then it would be for him to be away from his father for the whole summer?
I believe that boys need a positive male role model in their lives and who better then their own father to provide that. They need to bond IMO.

How about a compromise and a month of summer with you and the other with his mother? (while she puts him in "summer school." O.o

HIA, you're in a new relationship now and I think it's important that your son get to know your wife so that he feels comfortable and happy while around the both of you. If you go there, I suspect you'll have to pay hotel, meal fees etc. Does your ex question how you afford to go see him or does she just question it when you want him to visit you in your own habitat? Silly woman.

[HeartIsAching]

Does your ex question how you afford to go see him or does she just question it when you want him to visit you in your own habitat? Silly woman.

Not silly. Evil.

[misombra]

there must have been something very serious for a judge to rule for her to have full custody after you were the main caregiver all that time.

[HeartIsAching]

there must have been something very serious for a judge to rule for her to have full custody after you were the main caregiver all that time.

No judge was involved. It was where we lived, mostly. We were never married, and in the state we were in, there's a separate document from a Birth Certificate to establish paternity. It was never filled out/signed. Neither of us knew at the time, and I didn't know until it was too late that I had no rights as his father in that state.

[Petit Papillon]

No judge was involved. It was where we lived, mostly. We were never married, and in the state we were in, there's a separate document from a Birth Certificate to establish paternity. It was never filled out/signed. Neither of us knew at the time, and I didn't know until it was too late that I had no rights as his father in that state.

Do you pay the child support?