Am I being taken for a massive mug?

[clairebreen]

Right so basically I am coming to the end of first year at university. I have been seeing one of my flatmates for pretty much the whole year, it started in the first month and has progressively gotten more serious and after 7 months I am not sure how much more I can take! We started off pretty casual as I wasn't really attracted to him so much in the beginning but over time as I got to know him I began to like him more. Without discussing it we became exclusive pretty early on, as in we didn't go with other people and it was just routine to end up together. We share the same group of friends and are basically together all the time.

He had said in group conversations in the early days that he would never have a girlfriend at uni because it would be too intense and he wasn't looking for that. Before he came to uni he came out of a very bad 3 year relationship where he was cheated on numerous times and it has really messed him about. He had the mind-set that he had wasted a few years of his life on some horrid girl and now it was his time to get his freedom back and just have fun, without being tied down.

As the months went on we turned from being "friends with benefits" to more, we'd hang out sober, watch films and do all the cute things you do when two people really like eachother. A couple of times we would have a chat and he'd tell me he was really confused because he didn't expect to meet me at uni, it kind of ruined his "free" plan as now he had found a girl he really liked but he was majorly scared of getting hurt again and it was stopping him from getting close. I told him over time he'd see i am not like his ex and he told me he was scared of falling in love with me because it would put him in such a vulnerable place to get hurt again.

As it went on i said to him I want to know where this is going or I think we should end things now to save me getting hurt further down the line. He still was unsure and said he was confused himself, he craved this single life but he doesn't do it, he comes back to me every time. He said he was confused with himself and couldn't give me an answer. I knew by now I was getting a bit messed around, I give him everything on a plate and we have developed real feelings for eachother yet he STILL isn't sure if he wants to commit to me properly? He would get jealous of other boys, we'd have big arguments about all the stuff couples fight over (mostly his insecurities from his past creeping in a bit i think) but deep down I think he knew he couldn't really be mad cos he has no hold over me cos he isn't my boyfriend.

Now we are basically everything a couple is. Everytime we go home we still don't go with anyone else, he still is commited to me but not really with a lable and the most recent time we went home separatly for 3 weeks he completely changed. He was sooo keen, ringing me every day, talking about 'us' a lot more, saying he trusts me, talking to me like i was his girlfriend and all sorts. We came back to uni and all my friends were saying he is gonna ask me out, I got upset one night cos I felt like I was STILL getting used and he reassured me he felt differently now, apparently us getting closer had made him sure about things and to be honest I can really tell a difference. He is a lot more openly affectionate with me, proper cute but still hasn't asked me out. He did once when he was drunk but then was telling a friend the day after he was just worried about hurting me and getting hurt. It seems these doubts are still there somewhere in his head.

I just don't know what to do. I know that he really really likes me, he said he doesn't want to look at any other girls and everything seems right but just still isn't moving! Very frustrating! I don't really think he is going to ask me out because if he genuinly wanted to wouldn't he just do it?! What is he waiting for. Now i am starting to wonder if it is just the company/closeness he likes but still doesn't want a relationship. He just keeps me going because he is massively scared of losing me. I think this is really selfish and don't know whether to stick things out til summer (that will be make or break) and see if he really is going to ask me out, or look at this realistically now and see that I just look like a fool and not let him have his way any longer? The ball is totally in his court and it's making me feel powerless and not wanted, yet I just can't seem to stay away because he keeps drawing me back in.

Any advice/wake up calls is very much appreciated!

[pisces25]

You've outlined the situation very well and everything you say is true. He is having the best of both world's, getting to enjoy you as a girlfriend without the commitment. If it was me I would put an end to it and quit the games. If he thinks you are worth it he will crawl back and commit to a proper relationships, if he doesn't well then it shows you how he really feels. I know he has been hurt in the past and all but who hasn't? He is just using that as an excuse to take a better opportunity if it comes along.

[Jeff12]

I want to, I've slowly like these, happy to join

you.

[clairebreen]

Yeah, I do know what you mean. The only thing that makes me think he's not using it as an excuse incase something better comes along is because his friends tell him all the time he won't find a better girl for him than me. I am so good to him and I do think he realises that, I think he just isn't sure if he can be arsed for loads of relationship drama again. He should understand though that things work out different with different people.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

If it's that important to you, and it sounds like it is, then either put an end to things as they are and tell him that you're looking for someone who wants to commit fully to you or just start seeing other guys. Don't hide seeing other guys either. Don't just throw it in his face out of the blue, but at some point he will ask why you can't hang out, and just tell the truth, that you're meeting up with someone else. Be direct, and tell him that if he doesn't want to commit then that's fine, but you're going to start looking for someone that does want to in the meantime. He will freak, and ask you out.

[clairebreen]

If it's that important to you, and it sounds like it is, then either put an end to things as they are and tell him that you're looking for someone who wants to commit fully to you or just start seeing other guys. Don't hide seeing other guys either. Don't just throw it in his face out of the blue, but at some point he will ask why you can't hang out, and just tell the truth, that you're meeting up with someone else. Be direct, and tell him that if he doesn't want to commit then that's fine, but you're going to start looking for someone that does want to in the meantime. He will freak, and ask you out.

Yeah I think you are right. In the past on nights out i have been angry and tried to get him back by showing him no attention and flirting with other guys but it kind of back fired and he just got really angry and was quick to think that is what i'm like. But to be fair i hadn't given him the ultimatum then so i think i need to be really frank with him if I tell him i will start seeing other guys. Cos i can imagine he will be like "fine then if thats what you want" and just accept it in an angry way, making it all seem like my fault. But at least he knows he had his chance if i make it very clear. Its hard tho cos his reaction to that shows me he cares a lot but why won't he just do something about it.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

If he wants be a baby about it, and try put it on you, then let him. That's his own immaturity. Don't let him manipulate you into continuing something you're not comfortable with. Just be cold and direct. Tell him that he is clearly keeping his options open, so you are going to do the same until he decides what he really wants. Simple.

[clairebreen]

Yeh I think i will. It just makes it awkward that we live in the same flat cos i'll have to stop spending time with him alone if i'm gonna stick to my guns and it will feel very abnormal. It's starting to p*ss me off more and more though so I think I'm prepared to put up with that if it means I stop feeling used.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

The more awkward, the better. It shouldn't take long if you live together.

You should start going out and seeing other guys, and don't be shy about having them come over. I seriously doubt it will even get to that point, but you should get the ball rolling on it right away.

[clairebreen]

Yeah, there is only a few weeks til summer so i shouldn't have to be in limbo for much longer. If we are not going out by then it's all over for sure. Just know if i had other guys back now everyone would think i was awful cos we've been "together" for so long and he's never done that with other girls. Very unfairly I would be the bad guy to everyone, even though at the back of their minds i'm sure they think i'm right.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

I don't mean go pick some guy up at the bar tonight and **** him. I just mean start spending time with other guys, and actually building a relationship, and when the time comes don't be shy about inviting them over. You should be treating your flatmate(look at me sounding all British) like a **** buddy and don't do all the "couple" things with him. Have sex with him, get up and go sleep in your room...that you should start right away.

[clairebreen]

Well things have taken a slightly new turn in the past couple of days. The other night he came in drunk from a club saying he came back early cos "he missed me" and then started being a bit weird and i wasn't sure what was up. During the day he had been really moody with me and naturally I thought there must be something he wants to tell me and doesn't know how. So i just sat there looking annoyed and then he looked really deeply into my eyes and was like "i lo.. i really like you" and stumbled a bit that he almost said love! He said please go out with me, and I mean it properly not drunken and I will remember tomorrow, I know what i want now. I'd heard from a few others he had said things to them so i brought up my doubts and asked him if he was still scared, and was this really what he wanted cos i needed a bit of reassurance considering for 6 months he hadn't been sure and since easter his mind had all changed. He told me he wanted to be in a relationship, the seriousness 'scared' him a bit and the whole 'being branded' but it wasn't stopping him and he told me he was scared of hurting me/getting hurt. He was pretty certain I am what he wants now. I brought up the fact he almost said he loved me and he got embarassed and was like oh forget that thing i just said, and got all flustered. I can kinda guess from this he means it but would not want to say it at this moment of time, it puts you in a very vulnerable position right? He was trying really hard to reassure me but i was just a bit worried when he said "I dont want to hurt you".. does this mean he thinks he could cos he's still not 100% or is this just normal 'getting into a relationship, always a bit scary'ness ' ? Do you think I should be worried at him saying that? He assured me he would bring it up sober the next day and he didn't in the morning but then i left to go home for the weekend so there hasn't really been the chance.

[clairebreen]

Also when he was saying all that stuff "i really really like you" etc he had tears and was almost crying!! Is that cos he really meant it? I asked him why he was sad and he just said "im not"

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Sounds pretty genuine to me.

[clairebreen]

Hmm so i've come back to this topic as things have progressed and was wondering if anyone had any more advice!

So after that things carried on going well and he even took me back to his family home for the weekend to meet his family. He told me this was a big step for him and should make me see how serious he was. When we came back we still hadn't got this title and i was just getting more mad. He told me that it had made him realise he doesn't like being away from me and with the 3 month summer coming up it was just massively bad timing.

I got mad at him and said if we aren't gonna get together now then over summer i am moving on or how else are we meant to last. He said being with me long distance (we live opposite ends of the country and cant afford to go visit) would be too hard for him as i'd be his girlfriend but he wouldnt be able to see him and psychologically it would be too much apparently.. he said he'd worry i'd change my mind and it would cause arguments and he didnt want that for us. So we left for summer agreeing when we go back in sept to properly get together and start everything as it should be. We left it good.

I'ts now 2 months into the summer holidays and everythings fallen apart. it started out fine but over time he's completely changed, we're both not the same and have had manyyyy rows. Lack of trust on both sides and i've needed more reassurance but not got it from him. He couldn't stand me having a go at him seeing him flirting online etc and we both agreed to stop our thing during summer so the arguments would stop.

Since then we have talked but it hasnt been the same to be honest. He picks for fights in most convos and we don't get along in the same way anymore. I used to think he was paranoid about what i am getting upto so maybe he's being all defensive to not look like a mug but now i think he just doesn't care. He's even started talking to me about next year being different and the single life we'll both be having! WTF?! Why talk to me about that!!

He has become this new "pro single!!" person, majorly put off by relationships and openly says it and is telling me off all the people i can hook up with next year, talking to me as if we're friends and as if he has no feelings whatsoever anymore that hes happy saying stuff like that.

Its so confusing. How can feelings dramatically change in 3 months of not seeing eachother? is it "out of sight out of mind", has he forgot why he liked me or has he realised he is young and needs to be single and next year he'll fully embrace that.

anyone been the guy in a situation like this before?!?! I know i should probably just forget all about him and his immaturity but i can't seem to get over it.