Am I wasting my time?

[zella]

I am 10 years older than my boyfriend. We've been dating for a year and a half. He comes to my disabled daughter's events, involves me in social activities with his closest friends, invites me to family functions and joins my family in functions, and we even stayed with his parents over Thanksgiving last year. He takes me on some of the most amazing dates: ziplining, broadway shows, various road trips, and of course just chill nights playing pool, or staying in. He lives an hour away, so we only get to see each other once a week on averages, but we do take weekend get aways when we have a chance. He's helped me move, he's "rescued" me when my car battery died... he's really an amazing boyfriend.

So why is it that he can only say amazingly romantic, loving things to me after he's had a couple of drinks? I believe that he does love me and cares for me; but when I tell him that I love him, even in text messages, he just ignores me - most of the time. Rarely he will say it back to me, but I've almost completely stopped saying it because it hurts not to hear that my love is reciprocated. When we're together, with the exception of bedroom time, he never initiates any kind of PDA, even when we are alone. He never reaches for my hand or puts his arm around me, and unless you know us, you wouldn't even realize we are a couple unless you see me reaching for a kiss or his hand to hold. Whenever I bring up the future, my conversation is met with silence. I once asked if we were just friends with benefits and he absolutely lost it - I have never seen him that mad.

I'm just confused. Am I doing something wrong? Just how long do men size up a woman for marriage before they decide they want to be with her? He's certainly not the kind of guy to take a girlfriend around friends and family if he wasn't serious about her. I get along fabulously with his friends, and it's been 5 years since the last time he brought a girl into his circle.

I wish I didn't need that physical affection and reassurance. But it makes me feel so insecure to not have that. I've had this discussion with him at least five or six times over the last year or so, and he always says he will try harder, but it's just not his nature to be like that - cuddly, and such. So I try to understand that and respect his needs, but I seriously need to be met at least half way, also. By what you've read, do you think he is in love with me? Do I just need to chill out and trust that in time he will want to marry me and accept that he's just not physically affectionate? Or, what do I do? What do you all think? I'm 40, and I get that at 30, he's still in the single bachelor mode, and I'm not trying to rush him, but I don't want to be lead along a road to nowhere, either. So give it to me straight - what's up with this guy?

[Jezzy80]

hi zella. i'm sure the guys on here are going to crucify me for even responding to your thread but...i run into the same thing with my current SO. my current SO's lack of affection, attention, etc. is also what brought me here...well, that and my confusion/frustration/hopelessness about it all. i too am older than my SO, by 5 years. and i have asked if it is a maturity thing because i'm struggling to wrap my head around it.

my feeling is that alcohol does not make you do anything you don't want to do. it just reduces our filters and barriers and we are more prone to doing and saying things we wouldn't normally do/say when our defenses are up. i think he cares about you. it's hard because we as woman want that affection and reassurance but i feel like men are like "what's the big deal?" they totally miss that it is a big deal to us.

feel free to message me if you want to talk more...don't give up yet =)

[halfstepsunflow]

My ex could only tell me those things when he was drinking to. To this day I know the things he said were true. Some men just are raised that way or have been damaged and they just cannot put those feelings into words. Read his actions and take comfort that he does care about you. The marriage thing can be a topic in another year or so and that would be a more accurate time to expect a straight answer from him (as in NO or I am open to marriage but I'm not ready- if he just hubumbs around you should just move on and find some one who is on your page because with the age difference it could take him way too long) With your age difference I think now is too soon (my X and I were 18 yrs apart and my new date is 17 years older so I have been stuck in this age difference cycle for a minute)

[CAM]

My age difference with my recent ex-gf was 18+ years. She and I had no trouble with PDA.

[Alexis]

In Short he has problems expressing himself... heck most men and women do besides replying with the routine "i love you and i love you too" most people display very lil verbal affection and he'll need to come to that conclusion/realization by himself or with someone else because normally a conversation like that between spouses will cause someone to become defensive and end up in a fight.. Good Luck