Artilce: "I Love My Husband but I don't Want Sex Anymore"

[lisapenn]

Hey guys, thought this article may interest some of you, I would love to read your comments and thoughts!

“I adore my husband, but I don’t want to have sex with him. We used to have sex all the time. I was passionately attracted to him, but now the thought being intimate repels me. It is very stressful to be with him especially alone and at night because he always makes advances on me. I hate having to hurt him every time he wants me.
I think it started when I was pregnant with our first child. I gradually lost interest in sex, but I hoped it will come back to me after having our baby.

But it didn’t. Years went by and though I think our relationship is fine, I find myself running away from his attempts every time. Deep down inside I am afraid that my attraction to him is lost forever. I am always concerned that he will cheat on me because of this and the concept of leaving scares me to death. We have a good relationship, until he wants sex.

Is it worth it for me to give up everything that I have with my husband and maybe could have because of one (very important) thing? How can I save my marriage?”

I received this mail from one of my readers, let’s call her Ann, and I think she accurately describes one of the most common problems in marriage. Especially – Marriage after children. Can you identify with Ann’s story?

Can a Marriage Survive Without Sex?
You already know that sex is one of the most important things in marriage. If it’s been a long time since you (reluctantly) had sex with your husband, you probably forgot why; The intimacy that you share afterwards, the hugs and kisses, the lifted mood and jokes, the closeness and bonding that sex brings to a relationship.

And whether you like it or not (don’t shoot the messenger) – Men can’t go on for long without sex. Even if they can technique relieve their built up physical need by themselves, it’s not enough and it doesn’t replace a “real sexual intercourse” – With someone else. They will end up looking for it else where – It’s just a matter of time.

So Yes – Not having sex with your husband is a major divorce booster.

Do You Know The REAL Reason For Your Low Sex Drive?
It’s one thing if you secretly despise your husband. In this case it’s clear why you don’t want to be sexually intimate with him. But it’s another thing if your marriage is doing o.k. (I won’t say “great” or “amazing ’cause I haven’t heard about many amazing marriages) and you still consider sex as another chore you have to do – After the dishes, before the cooking.
Sure, low sex drive can be a result of many things: Menopause, libido reducing medication, pain during intercourse, decreased libido due to age, but…
The most common reason for losing interest in sex with him is a troubled relationship. Even if you think that everything is o.k., you have ups and downs like every one else – You probably sweeping some stuff under the rug. Or you don’t want to admit to yourself that something is really wrong, or missing. Sometimes you just don’t have the energy to deal with it. And you hope the problem will solve itself.

But I Can Assure You – This Problem Won’t Solve Itself.

• Maybe he hasn’t been an equal partner in raising your children. Maybe this disappoints you day after day.
• Maybe you feel he is selfish, and doesn’t much care about your needs.
• Maybe you feel that sometimes he doesn’t “see you”.
• Maybe he cheated. Or has otherwise deeply hurt you in the past. You think you forgave him, but you didn’t.
• Maybe he was unfaithful or almost unfaithful and you can’t put it behind you.
• Maybe you are tired and exhausted and he doesn’t help as much as you think he can.

These feelings are all signs of a troubled marriage. It’s true that millions of women feel the way you do, but on you the affect is a non existent sex drive. It has made you emotionally and thereby sexually detached from him.
It’s normal; it’s the way women are built. Men can feel the same kind of frustration and still want to have sex every day. They are different.

How Can you Prevent Him From Cheating and How to Save Your Marriage?
There’s no running away from it, you need professional help. You can’t wait a minute longer if you want to salvage your relationship. You will motivate your husband to stay faithful and committed just by taking the first step and showing him that it is important to you as is it to him. That you haven’t given up on your love and your marriage, that you want to solve this. You can try marriage counseling, marriage saving programs, a sex therapist, whatever - Just take the first step.


Any thoughts friends? comments?

[Mdates]

I'm in the same boat, and i think it's very selfish on yours & her part that your own husband, have to begged you for sex! You describe the situation and realizes it's a problem, but have you tried to work it out...NO! tHAT'S THE HURTING PART! You have to and I hope my wife try to understand, the mental stress that is unleashed upon your spouse, when you do that! Why not say, let's work it out, let's try to be romantic.....selfish,selfish,selfish, women behavior, has really changed me, I will never fall in love again, next time it will be just stay for a minute and go, because when you commit, this is what you get, never again!

[dj454]

As I man I can say I have had to deal with this too and it sucks. It makes me feel like I was the problem. Even when she did have sex with me it was like she was only doing it to humor me. It hurts and it's frustrating. Men's sex drive is usually higher than a woman's anyway and even once a week is not enough. I learned to live without it. I tried romance and was attentive and helped out around the house but nothing. In the end there was sometbing wrong she wasn't attracted to me and she finally left. Seek counseling if you want to save your marriage because someone will lure your husband away. Either try and find a fix or end it. It's not fair to either of you. I wish you luck I'm sure it's not easy for you either.

[Wakeup]

As I man I can say I have had to deal with this too and it sucks. It makes me feel like I was the problem. Even when she did have sex with me it was like she was only doing it to humor me. It hurts and it's frustrating. Men's sex drive is usually higher than a woman's anyway and even once a week is not enough. I learned to live without it. I tried romance and was attentive and helped out around the house but nothing. In the end there was sometbing wrong she wasn't attracted to me and she finally left. Seek counseling if you want to save your marriage because someone will lure your husband away. Either try and find a fix or end it. It's not fair to either of you. I wish you luck I'm sure it's not easy for you either.

I guess those who have commented so far failed to read the part about there being underlying problems in the relationship that were not being addressed.

Anyway, the problem is that people accept crappy behaviour from their spouse because they're too lazy or indifferent to actually do the work it takes to RESOLVE a problem so it just gets pushed aside over and over again. People need to communicate so it's perfectly understood that if things don't improve there will be repercussions for said crappy behaviour (in the case lack of intimacy from one or the other).

I find it laughable that a woman would "be afraid he will cheat on me if I don't have sex with him" but then does NOTHING to get her mojo back. pfffft. If you're not wanting it and you're not doing anything to fix it, then you should give him permission (or you should ask for permission) to get it elsewhere. That should open their eyes up to the severity of the situation and motivate them to seek a resolution. If you don't want it then you should go to your doctor first and ask for solutions. When its ruled out that it's nothing physical, then he/she will refer you to the next professional that can help you both RESOLVE the problem.

There are lots of threads where the roles are reversed and the man is unmotivated about sex. Same advice applies.

[dj454]

I guess those who have commented so far failed to read the part about there being underlying problems in the relationship that were not being addressed.

Anyway, the problem is that people accept crappy behaviour from their spouse because they're too lazy or indifferent to actually do the work it takes to RESOLVE a problem so it just gets pushed aside over and over again. People need to communicate so it's perfectly understood that if things don't improve there will be repercussions for said crappy behaviour (in the case lack of intimacy from one or the other).

I find it laughable that a woman would "be afraid he will cheat on me if I don't have sex with him" but then does NOTHING to get her mojo back. pfffft. If you're not wanting it and you're not doing anything to fix it, then you should give him permission (or you should ask for permission) to get it elsewhere. That should open their eyes up to the severity of the situation and motivate them to seek a resolution. If you don't want it then you should go to your doctor first and ask for solutions. When its ruled out that it's nothing physical, then he/she will refer you to the next professional that can help you both RESOLVE the problem.

There are lots of threads where the roles are reversed and the man is unmotivated about sex. Same advice applies.

I read that and understood that. I guess I didn't get my point across. I lived without sex and we did nothing to fix it. She eventually left because she finally admitted she didn't love me anymore and hadn't in a few years. I spent 17 months with no sex and I never cheated but I was starting to think about it. My point is identidy the problem whether it's physical or emotional and try and fix it or move on. There's no sense in being miserable.

[LoveCoach]

oh wow!! thanks for sharing a great article. Here are my thoughts.

How can she saves her marriage? I would recommend she reflects on these skills:

1. HOnesty and loyalty - how am I doing in being genuinely honest to myself and to my partner? Am I having enough courage to be vunerable to him when sharing my deepest true feeling regarding to my desire of don't want to have sex? etc... there are thousands of topics and issues about honest that we can reflect on daily.
2. forgive - what is forgive mean to me? how am I forgiving my partner? is forgiving skill built in me so that I can forgive people unconsciously, or do I have to think about forgiving in order to forgive him? when he wants sex and could not empathize with the fact that you don't want sex, could you forgive him in this situation?
3. respect - what is respecting mean to me? when was the last time I respect him. In this sex issue, how could I respect him? or what should I be respecting him about?
4. appreciation - have I been appreciated his actions or things that he have done for me? do I make myself appreciate or I am naturally unconsciously appreciating him?
5. thank you - what are some of my guesture or ways of saying thank you to him daily. could he understand my verbal and/or non-verbal thank you?
6. sacrifice - what is sacrifice mean to me?

and more to come.....

[dnna1]

I think we are the same, but man is not possible without sexual life, he can't be satisfied only once a week.

[John12]

Great idea!

[lisapenn]

Thank you guys, for all your comments and thoughts

[Bush1]

Man is not possible without sexual life, he never meet a week do not make love. Though I like you.

[Bella1]

Yes, I quite agree to your point of view.

[Dry Spell1]

Thanks for sharing.

[Anna12]

Yes, I quite agree to your point of view.