Just some advice (please)

[theDAVESiKnow]

I know it's passe to copy/paste topics from other threads. I wouldn't do it if I didn't really, really want a female's perspective on this.

Hello all! New to the forum, and I guess I was just looking for opinions on current events in my life.

(I'll do my best to be thorough, without running on too much )

I was with my girlfriend for 4 years. Unfortunately, it didn't end nearly as smoothly as the relationship itself always seemed to go. No fight(s) to speak of, more of just a mutual decision to stop dating and stop seeing/speaking to each other all together, all out of frustration over pet-peeves, really. In that period, she moved. Since then, nearly another 4 years have passed. There was a brief period of anger that has long since passed, but really the entire time I never stopped loving and missing her (all the while respecting the no-contact agreement). To sum it all up, I've always regretted my part in the break-up, and have no question in my mind that we had a great relationship that was destined to succeed.

Rewind to (about) a month ago. She contacted me on Facebook, and we exchanged messages for about a week (general stuff: how are you, etc) before re-exchanging numbers and have talked whenever possible and text pretty much all day. When I felt comfortable enough, I was completely honest about how I felt, and while it came as a surprise to her she's basically come to say she has many of the same feelings about me and is interested in "getting to know each other again". Needless to say, it's been a few weeks of exchanging platitudes- but it's clear we've both grown, and many of the things that used to drive each other insane are either accepted and/or we've matured out of them. (and) Most importantly, we've both remained single this whole time.

(Here's where it gets complicated, I think) I lost my job just over a month ago, and have decided to give up on "home" for good. A week after making this decision, the re-connection begins and it turns out she lives (basically) across country. In our talks there's been much mention of my wanting to leave home for good, and (what I see to be) some "tiptoeing" on both of our parts on me moving to her current city, but no actual mention of it, outside of how great it is and how much I'd love it. I'd love to "man up" and move there, (however) I can only speak to my end: I'm afraid of the idea getting shot down, afraid of coming off "crazy" as opposed to still in love, and I just don't know what kind of inconvenience I could potentially cause by suggesting such an idea.

Last but not least, the silver lining (sort of). It seems like some of the timing wasn't coincidence (my losing my job/deciding to move seems like fate, for sure). She'll be back in town for a family function this week, and wants to get together. I (of course) agreed, however it looks as though our time will be limited to just one evening later this week. First and foremost: I just want to see her. After all this time, I have missed being around her in a way words can't explain. That said, I feel like we've spent the past weeks "patching up" our relationship and any bad blood between us, and this is the first, and possibly the only chance I may have to pitch trying to start with a clean slate, somewhere new. I've been honest (possibly to a fault) where my feelings are concerned, so this won't be a complete blindside, still I'm very confused on how to move forward here. I've never been in a situation like this, as I'm quite sure this is the love of my life, and that is on the line should I not get this right.

I'm thinking I may propose my own visit, just to be able to spend more time and get a feel for the place (tax season is nice, isn't it?). Really, I'm scared to death that idea will get shot down for whatever reason; there-in lie the fear of proposing the move altogether- but that's getting ahead of myself. I guess all of this is a long way of asking how do I play this? Any do's and/or don'ts given this information for a first face-to-face in years? Normally, playing Lloyd Dobler comes naturally to me; in this situation I'm afraid it'll be a bit too much.

Any advice is very welcome, and very appreciated (and sorry for rambling, it happens when I write about anything dear to me )

Thanks,
Dave

[smackie9]

This is your problem....you fear communication. This is why your relationship failed the first time.....the "no fighting" was a dead giveaway.

Yes you are right....you need to "man-up" and face her with your questions, thoughts and feelings head on regardless of your "fears". It will show strength, that she probably hopes that you have finally grown into after all these years. If you want something bad enough, you need to take risks to get it no matter what the outcome will be. In other words stop being a wuss, and grow some....trust me your chances will be better than taking your time fumbling around.

[smackie9]

[url]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MVC28UWH-GQ[/url] Classic Kids in the Hall! : )

[theDAVESiKnow]

When you're right, you're right. That's the frame of mind I'm trying to go in with: regardless of the outcome, at least I'm saying what I have to say. Appreciated!

PS: Finally someone who gets a Kids in the Hall reference

[seanni]

Yes you are right

[smackie9]

PS: Finally someone who gets a Kids in the Hall reference

I'm a huge fan :-)

[theDAVESiKnow]

Update: We hung out Friday, and everything went great. It was unreal how little time seemed to have passed. We just talked and cuddled for hours. I said (most) everything I needed to say, save for a few bigger things- given that we decided we'd hang again Sunday. We discussed our feelings, reasons for splitting up, how we've changed, etc.

Sat: Wedding. Sweet texts throughout the day.

Sun: I was met with indifferent texts all day. When the time came to get ready to hang again, the "I'm pretty tired, late night" text came. So I got blown off. Soon I was met with endless texts about my feelings. "Do you regret not proposing?", "Can you not love anyone more than me?", etc. I answered honestly, (and at length) but these are the kinds of things that only get the full effect when looking her in the eyes. Then the mood turned to "I'm not ready for a relationship" and "the best we can be is friends right now", I hope you can accept that. I'm not a dixk, and I know that the foundation of any good relationship is a strong friendship. But I went into this careful not to say too much, and let her begin the emotional stuff (and it could only have been interpreted as romantic.) I only let my guard down when I was sure it was safe to. A month goes by, we see each other for the first time in 4 years, it goes great and then I get a 180. I don't understand.

Needless to say we didn't get to discuss me going across the country to visit, much less my potential commitment to moving there. She leaves in the morning, and I feel as though I got my hopes up for nothing.

Thoughts?

[smackie9]

It's obvious she is looking for a commitment. A real one.

[Wakeup]

I don't see that at all. I think she's looking for an emotional tampon who she can drain without commitment. Especially after reading his other thread.

Get over her already. This is the same girl you left. She's not changed one Iota and is a non-communicator that shit tests you like there is no tomorrow. JMO

[theDAVESiKnow]

Believe me I made one in no uncertain terms: albeit via text, as it was the only option. It was met with silence, then doubt. I'm starting to think I was never the problem.

[theDAVESiKnow]

"Emotional tampon" made me smile, and added some perspective as well- thanks.

[smackie9]

Yup girls will do that.....mostly the ones who put guys into the friends zone. I get pooped on for using that term even tho it is well suited...those kind of girls take offence lol. Oh and "attention whore" is another one :-p