Should i tell my ex i wasn't faithful?

[love sick]

I'm keen to know what you girls think about this.

I was in a 5 year relationship that ended 5 months ago.

We still meet up every couple of weeks and we are still best mates.

While i was with her towards the end of the relationship i cheated while away in another country.

It was a massive mistake and one i'll never repeat.

Should i come clean and tell her or is it information she really doesn't need to know now we're apart?

I've been feeling recently i'd like to get back together with her but that this is stopping me.

I'm extremely worried that if i tell her she'll never forgive me and i'll loose her as a friend forever.

So my question is if you were her would you want to know about my mistake or would you rather not know and to just get on with the future as long as i was always faithful from here on in.

thanks.

[vashti]

I am probably alone in this, but I wouldn't want to know, unless you were infected with something or have a baby running around out there.
Don't do it again.

[HeartIsAching]

You have nothing to gain by telling her. All you'd do is make her feel bad. Perhaps you're trying to hurt her, to get back at her or something?

[Wakeup]

[url]http://www.loveforum.net/threads/64515-Should-i-tell-my-ex-i-cheated-on-her-before-we-broke-up[/url]

[bcgirl]

I do believe that she should know. Yes, it will hurt her......but sometimes the truth hurts. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger right? If everything is out on the table and she has all her facts, she can properly make her decision whether she wants you as a friend or not. Instead of basing her decision to keep you as a friend based on delusion and lies.

It's like....would you pay $5000 on a beautiful one of a kind clear cut diamond for a special someone?
Would that $5000 be as beautiful to you if you knew it was a blood diamond?

Some people might say...ugh, i wish i didn't know what history is behind a "blood diamond".....but then you would be living in a fantasy and not in reality.
Or like those people who eat McDonalds and don't want to listen to how it's made because if they knew they probably wouldn't eat it anymore.

[love sick]

wow there's a lot to think about here. thank you.
I'm going to tell her and leave it up to her to decide if she still wants to be my friend. there's no point in having any sort of relationship if its built on a lie I agree.
here's to hoping she will at some point be able to forgive me.

[Wakeup]

Again I ask: Why would you tell her when she's voiced that she does not want to know about such things? Just because there are some women here that would want to know, it doesn't mean that your girlfriend would want to know. That is particularily true when she's told you she wouldn't want you confessing. As such, I can safely take it for granted that you're confessing for self absorbed reasons. What those selfish reason are only you know.

She's a lot like you. She is used to cheating on her partners as well, so it will be very interesting to see what she's made of and to hear if she does or doesn't forgive you

[love sick]

Wakeup you make a good point, it felt like the majority on here we're saying i should come clean.

i need more time to get my head around this.

I'm not sure what sort of picture i've managed to paint of myself here but i'm def not a use to cheating on partners, i'm 29 years old been in many long happy relationships and never cheated or even considered it. I don't know weather i'm having some weird turning 30 phase but it's def not like me to act so irresponsible.
Randomly since i posted this she emailed me saying that she felt we had unfinished business and that she still loves me. I feel the same. I've been pretty miserable since we've been apart, i feel like i've lost my best friend.

I guess you're saying by telling her all i'm doing is making myself feel better, but in turn will make her feel terrible which is unnecessary.

I played with fire and got seriously burnt and i'm not about to repeat the same mistake twice.

[bcgirl]

Why would you tell her when she's voiced that she does not want to know about such things? Just because there are some women here that would want to know, it doesn't mean that your girlfriend would want to know.

What's worse is if she heard the cheating from a friend or from another outside source or all of a sudden caught an std. She'll be even more upset that way and wondered why he never told her in the first place. And then what are you going to say? "i didn't tell you because you told me not to". lol. People might say they don't want to know.....but deep down, everybody wants to know the truth.

[Wakeup]

What's worse is if she heard the cheating from a friend or from another outside source or all of a sudden caught an std. She'll be even more upset that way and wondered why he never told her in the first place. And then what are you going to say? "i didn't tell you because you told me not to". lol. People might say they don't want to know.....but deep down, everybody wants to know the truth.

Not everyone. There is at least one responder who has said they would not want to know. Deep down if she (op's ex) actually wants to know the truth then she will start probing or ask outright. Then would be the time to be honest.
As for STD's. It would be a good idea that both op and his ex get tested prior to starting anything new up anyway. Surely neither one of them has been celebate since the broke up.???

OP: I hope you think long and hard about wanting to be with this girl and being able to do so without acting upon the options that will be put before you in your lifetime and cheating once again.

If you vow to be sexually excluseive/ monogamous with her then you need to have relationship boundaries in place that you'll not let other woman cross and more important you yourself won't cross your own personal boundaries, which you also need to have in place. If you have relationship boundaries and personal boundaries in place then you'll fair far better in not falling off the monogamous wagon.

Good luck with your relationship no matter what decision you decide to make.

[bcgirl]

i think everything is a learning experience. By telling the ex gf that you've cheated...it may allow her to be more aware of the signs to watch out for from a cheating spouse. Although she may say she doesn't want to know..... this can actually help her in getting the proper tools to spot a cheater in her next relationship.
I was a cheater in my past relationship..... cheated multiple times. In the end of it all, i taught my ex to not be so naive in his next relationship.

[vashti]

People might say they don't want to know.....but deep down, everybody wants to know the truth.

You must either be very young and naive, or not have much to lose.

I was a cheater in my past relationship..... cheated multiple times. In the end of it all, i taught my ex to not be so naive in his next relationship.

You also taught him not to trust women. Thanks a lot.

[grgyreh]

disagree