Question about the dreaded, "daddy issues"

[Animsoc]

Mmmm .. Hey ..

No offense with that title either. I don't use that phrase lightly.

So anyway, there's a whole ton of history that I'm not prepared to dig into right now but, I've known this girl for over 2 years now. We're friends but, I've always wanted more. Here's the thing .. she had a dad who .. well, he wasn't the best dad, let's say that. He took no interest in her life, he was an alcoholic and a wife beater, he stole from her and her mom so he could get drunk. By the way, I'm not trying to sound like I'm bashing him either, just reporting the facts that she's told me.

So, she's obviously had some serious conditioning, in her heart. As a result, she fell into the classic area of, "I will never let a guy treat me the way dad treated mom!" and then got involved with a guy who did JUST that. She's the kind who knows in her head, what love is and she recognizes it. But her heart is conditioned to look for it in those people who are like her dad - you know, classical conditioning. She's attracted to what's familiar. As a result, she's pushed away the good guys who know how to treat her right and make her happy (myself included) and stays with the guys who treat her like crap, cheat on her, give her no respect, etc. So now she's at the point where she has given up on love - said it just leads to pain.

As weird as it may be, I really love this girl. She's sweet and kind .. smart and funny and, we have a great time together .. as friends. But suggest anything more and she gets uncomfortable and even, pissy. Like recently, we were watching a movie and I just reached over and started to gently rub the top of her back with my fingertips. I could tell she didn't like it and she started to get cranky. It wasn't me though .. just that her heart doesn't know what to do with it. I'm convinced that it's a matter of, her head and heart are wired opposite each other. Her head recognizes true love but, her heart has been conditioned to seek it out in familiar guys, like dad. Again, classical conditioning. Her dad never treated her that way .. never told her she was special or bought her little surprises like I do sometimes. This is all foreign to her heart and, it doesn't know how to respond .. it makes her uncomfortable, more classic psychology. But I know, absolutely know we could have something really beautiful together. Hey, I'm in no rush either. She's a very special girl and I'm willing to wait for her. Not putting her on a pedestal either .. just realizing she's a really cool person and, I like her in my life. And I'm willing to wait and put in a little extra effort to see something beautiful become of what we have.

So, just asking for any advice, experience, etc. And please, the last thing I need or want to hear is, "The girl has issues .. move on!" I've seen that stuff before and I'm not interested in those responses. She herself once told me, "I know you're a good man and you make me happy. But trying to convince my heart too." She knows there's, "something." But her heart, can't be convinced by willpower and we both know that. There's serious conditioning in there and .. it's not only blocking anything more between us but, it's keeping her from finding true love in any guy. Like I said, her heart is cross-wired to look for love where she'll never find it.

I know it's gonna take time and, I'm more than willing to take that time with her. So anything that might help would be appreciated. Thanks.

[Wakeup]

I won't tell you to leave her and I won't tell you she has issues because you know that already. I will tell you to google "White Knight Syndrome" and read about what ails you though.

You can't fix her but you can fix yourself whom you have complete control over. Work on yourself, respect you and you'll know what to do with her so that you don't stagnate yourself from meeting someone who will actually make you happy without haveing to "save" them from themselves.

Good luck.

[Animsoc]

Gaaaaa.. I should have expected that. I don't need to "save" her to be happy. There's no white knight syndrome here so lets not even go there. Next?

[Wakeup]

Did you google or are you just closed minded and unwilling to educate yourself?

[VincenzoG91]

So, just asking for any advice, experience, etc. And please, the last thing I need or want to hear is, "The girl has issues .. move on!" I've seen that stuff before and I'm not interested in those responses. She herself once told me, "I know you're a good man and you make me happy. But trying to convince my heart too." She knows there's, "something." But her heart, can't be convinced by willpower and we both know that. There's serious conditioning in there and .. it's not only blocking anything more between us but, it's keeping her from finding true love in any guy. Like I said, her heart is cross-wired to look for love where she'll never find it.

I've been in your shoes, and put years into trying to save somebody with serious issues. She appreciated the effort but she never changed, just kept making the same mistakes. And she never loved me, though she did propose to me once. It was White Knight Syndrome, and it one of the worst things that ever happened to me. I finally realized that I was only in love with her potential, and she was never going to live up to that potential because she didn't want to change.

You can deny it all you want, but you have a problem and you're going to get hurt. She has issues, too, but there is nothing that can be done until she is ready to change. Take care of yourself and talk to a therapist. Find out why you are forcing yourself into this untenable situation and get over it. Or plan for wasted years of pain.

[surfhb]

So, just asking for any advice, experience, etc. And please, the last thing I need or want to hear is, "The girl has issues .. move on!" I've seen that stuff before and I'm not interested in those responses. She herself once told me, "I know you're a good man and you make me happy. But trying to convince my heart too." She knows there's, "something." But her heart, can't be convinced by willpower and we both know that. There's serious conditioning in there and .. it's not only blocking anything more between us but, it's keeping her from finding true love in any guy. Like I said, her heart is cross-wired to look for love where she'll never find it.

I know it's gonna take time and, I'm more than willing to take that time with her. So anything that might help would be appreciated.

If you bothered to open up and accept then you would realize this is exactly what White Knight Syndrome is

And please, the last thing I need or want to hear is, "The girl has issues .. move on!" I've seen that stuff before and I'm not interested in those responses....... I know it's gonna take time and, I'm more than willing to take that time with her.

Thats kind of sad! Why would you want this kind toxicity in your life? Why do you want to take that kind of time and pain? Answer those 2 questions first.

You come first you know. The whole point of dating is to find the one person that compliments you....not someone who brings you down. I

[Animsoc]

I should have known. 1 ****ing post and they all think they're experts on my life. I'm not even going to bother to try to explain how unbelievably ****ing wrong you all are .. it's not worth it. I asked a simple ****ing question and you all jump on my ****ing case and tell me I've got a ****ing problem! Nice way to make someone feel welcome! OMFG!!! I HATE arrogant assholes who think they know everything when they know nothing! **** this and **** ALL of you! Go think whatever you want .. YOU are the pathetic ones! Talk about a waste of my time. Thanks for ****ing nothing!

[Wakeup]

I should have known. 1 ****ing post and they all think they're experts on my life. I'm not even going to bother to try to explain how unbelievably ****ing wrong you all are .. it's not worth it. I asked a simple ****ing question and you all jump on my ****ing case and tell me I've got a ****ing problem! Nice way to make someone feel welcome! OMFG!!! I HATE arrogant assholes who think they know everything when they know nothing! **** this and **** ALL of you! Go think whatever you want .. YOU are the pathetic ones! Talk about a waste of my time. Thanks for ****ing nothing!

Sorry, but after that display I don't think that it's "daddy issues" that makes her cringe when you touch her.

[HeartIsAching]

It's well-known that victims of abuse look for what they're used to. In order to move past that, she does need counseling.

Regardless of whether or not you have White Knight Syndrome, and regardless of whether or not she could recognize that you'd be good for her, she never will - you've been friend-zoned. If you can't handle being near her and not having a romantic relationship, then you need to cut ties and cut her loose, because the odds are heavily against you ever getting out of the friend-zone. I know it's not what you wanted to hear, but that's where it's at.

[HeartIsAching]

Sorry, but after that display I don't think that it's "daddy issues" that makes her cringe when you touch her.

This is also true. With a display like that, you've ALSO got abusive tendencies.

[VincenzoG91]

Animsoc, be sure to come back here in a few months so that I can say "I told you so."

[IndiReloaded]

You asked for advice and experience. Vince was kind enough to tell you his story. What else do you want?