It's all a big mess...

[thumper267]

Hello All. I'm new here, so I apologize in advance if this post is a novel.

Ok, so before I get into my relationship issues, I think I should share some information about me. I have a history of depression (not on medication), currently recovering from anorexia/bulimia, have severe body image issues, and am extremely sensitive. Basically, I'm a mess. Haha. Ok, that's not true. I have accepted that I'm attractive, even though being a redhead I have been bullied all my life due to my "fire" hair, freckles, and pale skin. :-/ However, I am working on my self image problems, but I still have a low self esteem. Ok, so now you know about me...let's move on to my relationship issues. Hooray. (oh, and I read in the rules I should post my age? So I'm 24...if that helps any.)

I have been with an amazing guy for a year and half. Due to certain circumstances and his job, about 6 months ago I moved with him across seas where I knew only him. Our relationship hasn't been the best due to his past relationships and my self hatred problems. I went to therapy and things improved majorly. However, now it seems like we are approaching square one again. Our sex life is non-existent (and I have a HIGH sex drive...so this bothers me), we bicker about everything, and he says I'm subconsciously controlling. After our major fight recently, it's gotten me thinking that I suck in this relationship and if I don't figure it out I'm going to lose the most amazing man ever. Now, he has a lot to work on, which he has been doing, but he's not used to someone who literally cries at the drop of a hat (today in the car a woman in front of me hit a PIGEON and I lost it...i'm also a vegetarian, though). He says things to me that I take way too personally, thus causing a fight. But back to the reason why I am even on here in the first place: He told me I'm subconsciously controlling. Now, that got me thinking...How is this possible? I've always told myself being controlling is a HUGE no-no, yet here I am doing it? When I was younger, I was always the loner. No one wanted to play with me or invite me to parties. Growing up, I HAD to be involved in everything my friends/family/SO did or else I would be sad and think they were leaving me out on purpose. This hasn't been an issue with us until recently. I haven't made any friends yet, and I know that's part of the problem (i'm working on it...the school/work people i'm around are so much younger than i am, so it's been difficult). So whenever my boyfriend wants to go out with friends or do something when I'm at work, I don't tell him "NO. You can't go do this" but my body language and my tone basically says that. I get sad. Thinking he's not wanting to be with me because of blah blah blah...when I KNOW that's not the case. He just simply wants to do things by himself or with friends, and I SHOULD respect that. So that's the gist of it... Any advice for me? Or am I a lost cause... *sigh*

[Harley]

To be honest with you love some of the most gorgeous women in the world are red-heads. Your appearance is a gift, your beautiful and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Plus freckles are just cute as ****. *Cough* But anyway back to my point, yes you should respect if he wants to go out with friends. You need to have a balance of spending time with your partner and spending time with your friends. Spending too much time with your partner can be very bad. Eventually you'll get sick of being around and looking at each other and trust me you really don't want that to happen. I understand how you are feeling, I've been through the exact same thing. You don't have many friends to go out with yourself, you find it difficult to make new ones and so when he goes out with his you feel very jealous and lonely. You want him to stay in with you and you get upset which causes a fight and as a result he won't go out because he knows it will upset you and he feels bad about leaving you. I suppose this is what some people might call Guilt Tripping. You make the other person feel bad because you feel bad and as a result you kind of get what you want through that. It sort of is a form of control but of course you aren't doing it intentionally and this doesn't make you a bad person at all you just need to learn to let him do things with his friends and while you do maybe find something else to occupy your time. Get a hobbie or read? If you really want to make more friends maybe sign up to volunteer somewhere or go to some kind of class. Meeting new people can be difficult when you are shy and a little bit insecure but once you start doing it you may be surprised about how much better you feel about yourself. And if you can go out and doing your own thing with your own friends when he goes out with his then you won't get so upset anymore but don't go crazy. Still try to have days during the week where you spend time together without other people interrupting you. It's good to spend time apart, it can help you to appreciate each other and the time you spend together a lot more. Hope I have helped in some way.

[dem862]

You are not a lost cause. I think you have good insight into your problems, you just need some help figuring out what to do. I think the depression could still be a factor in your problems. Also eating disorders are anxiety disorders. So you could very well have other types of anxiety, including social anxiety, which may be preventing you from getting new friends. Your lack of friends could definitely be putting a huge burden on your boyfriend to keep you happy and entertained. This is a difficult responsibility for anybody, and it could be potentially pushing him away from you. The bickering and moodiness could be related to the anxiety and depression. You need someone besides your boyfriend to talk to. Are you able to secure the services of a therapist or counselor. You mentioned school, and many schools have counseling for students. Many jobs have EAP programs. You might need to consider medications if they are prescribed for you. Also, try to find some self help books about depression/anxiety and read them. And you need to start having sex with your boyfriend on a somewhat regular basis. Sex is one of the best medications there is. Good luck to you.

p.s. You might need to be taking vitamin supplements specifically for women. You could be having some hormonal issues that your diet is not addressing.