Winning back trust?

[missanthrope]

Hey all!

My ex and I dated for approximately two years but have known each other for about three. We were both Americans living abroad in Italy. We were very, very serious and quite committed. He even told his mother that I was the girl he thought he would marry. We got along great, made each other laugh and were a pretty much amazing couple.

During the time we were dating, I was dealing with some personal issues of mine (some of which had to do with depression by no fault of his at all). As a result, I second guessed myself a lot and would sometimes (to myself) question his commitment vis-a-vis my depression-induced lack of self-awareness and self-esteem. I started to subconsciously compare myself to his ex, but I never really brought this up to him. I never let this hinder our relationship in any way but it was something in the back of my mind and my mind alone. This is important to note for later on... Anyway, because of a death in the family and my cousin being diagnosed with stage 3 cancer, I moved back to the U.S., with my ex planning to follow soon after. I did not know at the time that when I moved back, I was pregnant (I later miscarried). Basically, we were planning a life together in the U.S. I couldn't have been happier and I thought he was, too.

I started to wait for him and it soon turned into months. His ticket never materialized. Our relationship was strained during this time- he didn't have the money to move like he thought he would, he was starting to feel like an utter failure because of it, I offered for him to stay with me at my parents' house and he didn't want to do that. Too much pride, I guess. We bickered over this back and forth. Eventually, it took a toll on our relationship and he broke up with me after two years over the phone. I was devastated to say the least. Neither of us ever cheated or ever gave the other reason to suspect we were untrustworthy. We were actually really very good together and got along great for the most part. I was head over heels for this man. The thing that hurt the most is that I feel if I had stayed in Italy, this wouldn't have ever happened. My move back to the U.S. was something I needed to do for my own sanity, but I truly regret it.

Needless to say, I took the breakup pretty badly. I had remembered that in passing while we were together he told me his breakup story with the ex. To my surprise, when I really thought about it, it turned out that our breakup happened in a similar way to theirs. She had moved to Germany for a job after three years of being together, he promised to go be with her but never did. They broke up the same exact way, just swap Germany for the U.S. The similarities in their relationship end there, though- she was jealous and petty and did cheat on him. He told me all the time she was untrustworthy and that I was not like that. Once, months before the breakup, he had shown me her blog to show a cool picture he once took of some castle in Italy... because I was curious about her still, I made a mental note of the name of the blog.

After the breakup, distraught, I remembered this information and I contacted her through her blog after days of contemplating about it. I just needed to talk to someone who understood, and who better than her? I got a brief fleeting moment of satisfaction in knowing there was someone who dealt with my exact pain and that she, too, had gone through it and come out okay. I felt good for a day or two but I felt like I had breached his trust (even after the relationship was over! I'm big on trust), and I came clean to him. I didn't need to do any of that-after all, he broke up with me. He was really mad about it and said it made him think differently about who I am as a person.

Fast forward a year- we are back on talking terms. Eventually, we became friends again. We even visited each other and I still speak to his mom. We maintain close friends that are mutual. We can laugh and have great conversations. I visited him this November for two weeks, during which he said he could definitely see a future together between him and I. We had spoken every day after that and things were almost like we were dating again. I even made plans to see him again this April, and bought the ticket because he invited me to stay with him. Things were great! It seemed he could trust me again. Two months later (this January), out of nowhere he said he didn't want to hurt me. It hit me like a ton of bricks. On top of all this, I had been planning to move back to Italy ever since I returned to the U.S. a year and a half ago in November 2010. A lot of my stuff at home in NY is packed and ready to go back to Italy-- I'd move back there either with or without him, but I would be lying if I said he wasn't a part of why I wanted to move back. In a way, I feel like things ended between us before they should have and my move back to New York was the reason why. If I had stayed there, I feel 100% we would still be together today. I want to fight for him and I want to fight for what we had. It was special.

Today I spoke to him on the phone and he mentioned he's casually dating (I'm not sure if this is true. As far as I can tell from mutual friends, it doesn't appear to be true) but I've casually dated too since then and nothing has come of it. He and I had a long heartfelt conversation and though he forgives me for contacting her, he said he had second thoughts because he feels he now can't trust me. I am still using the ticket in April and still planning to see him. It's been a year since I've contacted her and I haven't spoken to her since.

My question is: how do I get him to trust me again? I am an EXTREMELY trustworthy person who had a slip up in a moment of weakness AFTER we broke up. I feel like, deep down inside, I truly owed him no loyalties because we had broken up. So why do I still feel so terrible about this? The fact that he said he doesn't want me to hurt him cuts me like a knife.. that's the LAST thing I would ever want to do. Ever.

Can I ever gain his trust back? Can we ever be what we were together again? I hope so. I feel like he was the love of my life and I still have feelings for him in my heart.

[Wakeup]

I hate to be a negative nelly here but it seems to me that you're putting a whole lot more value on this man then he does on you. If he loved you and wanted to be with you, then I think that you contacting his ex would be the least of his worries and he'd just be happy that you're on your way back to him.
That and the fact he told you, without even being asked, that he's dating and that he doesn' want to hiurt you are all red flags to me. It almost sounds like he's trying to tell you not to expect too much from him in way of committment. (????)

It's obvious that he holds all the power here and if I were you, I'd certainly not put too much effort into tryng to get him to trust you. Either he does or he doesn't and if you're showing him that you are trustworthy then there is no reason why he shouldn't trust you. By the sounds of things, he holds this over your head for a reason and I don't think it has anything to do with actually being able to trust you or not. What does he think you'll do, call all his ex's? Phone his boss for a personality reference? Makes no sense why he wouldn't just let it drop and be happy you're wanting him back after he lied straight to your face and that of his ex's. (re: following you to be with you in the States and her in Germany)

Good luck, I hope things work out for you.