Slow Process of Clingy/Needy Recovery Begins

[sr2011]

Few days after this.....in addition to the book, I also ordered the tape. The difference is like Night and Day! Love listening to it and doing the exercises. Also, been staying off Facebook and off viewing her Profile Page (viewing.....NOT hacked....lol)

NOW....here is where I am:
I was being clingy/needy and telling her that since we have limited alone time each week, it was not right to go to her Zumba classes or pop by her girlfriends house.

SO...I am starting Karate class next week, and am doing the tape and it brings tears to my eyes how DEEPLY it describes every mechanism I have and I ALWAYS THOUGHT NOBODY ELSE IN THE WORLD was like this !! I was wrong...

NOW..as I said...due to my crappy clingy/needy ways, my girlfriend and I were on a major downward spiral.
So, last night, I told her about how telling her to stay home and not try to better herself or have leisure time JUST SO I can get attention and seek approval was WRONG, and the battles we have had for months over me doing this was my fault, I took ownership for it, and that I was working on bettering myself for me, and not for anyone but me, to improve my life all around (family, business, etc).

So, I know her girlfriends were getting together for a girl Candle party (like those Tupperware parties from way back!), and she mentioned it, and I told her to go. She said, "Really, are you sure?". We went back and forth a few times, and she looked shocked.

However, from our talk, I sensed that she might be a little leery about my motives, and she mentioned that if she goes out, she doesn't want it thrown back in her face during another agreement. I assured her, however...we have had major battles over these things where I even packed up my stuff!!!

Now, how am I feeling?
1. It felt right to me, since she works hard and does deserve time
2. I won't lie, however, it was not easy. I don't feel afraid, nervous, or jealous, but, I do feel that between her late week of work and only one night the whole week (not including tonight) for us to enjoy alone time, I feel "insulted" that she chose to go, knowing that (if "insulted" is the right word?)

On a tangent, I thought that perhaps she was "testing" me, and watching my reaction and body language to see if it was sincere. She kissed me, said should be no more than 2 hours...asked me again if I was sure, and I told her that it's totally fine, to have fun, and to say hello to her friends. Tough for me. You have all been there.....tough due to the limited time and the CHOICE she made over me. I remind myself that nothing OUTSIDE of my own skin can be controlled.....

Now, she came back after like an hour and a half...and she thanked me ...I guess for not giving her a hard time...

Question: Since I was being so difficult when she was trying to do these things for so many months...and then I stopped and even encouraged her to go out and enjoy herself (I even told her when she texted me on her way home to stay even longer so she can see her friends), So...did I give in to her? Senior Members...please nudge me on the right path...do I look weak for easing up (she "won" the battle for her "Me" time)?

OK, now when she came in, she curled up on the sofa with me...BUT...within 30 minutes, she was napping. I was not pleased, but waking up would be controlling her for my own neediness, I didn't. Been there, done that....she knows I hate that (especially after our limited alone time).

So...since I was a little hungry, instead of going to the kitchen, I got dressed and went out for a Midnight snack, to which she was surprised!! It felt weird for me...but felt right ! My concern is that I was not doing this as spite (or passive-aggressive), since she napped (we lost time together for her outing). When it took 40 minutes to do it, she asked, "where did you go?", curiously. I said the store....and that's it. Now as I innocently type here in the living room, she asked me if I am writing a book, to which I replied, "You're silly" and giggled.

Incidentally, she mentioned going to Zumba 3x/week vs. 2x/week...of course, all I could do was say it was a GREAT IDEA...
but as a NG, I feel "left out"...

I'm actually not super sexual now due to this emotional week...and yes, I might even turn away sex tonight...but for sincere reasons....should be interesting.

Look, from those of you that have been on my initial post a few days ago...I feel like I've already made some leaps forward.

It's hard, but nothing worth doing in life is easy.
I'd be interested in feedback.

Thanks !

[Harley]

Wow...I'll tell you what this sounds almost identical to how I myself have been feeling recently. You're not alone in this my friend, you really aren't.

I've been unemployed for a while, my boyfriend just got his old job back at a warehouse so I spend a lot of my time ALONE during the day until he comes home. Before he got this job back I was used to spending all day everyday with him, we pretty much did everything together and went everywhere together so to have that suddenly gone was very difficult for both of us, but particularly me as I would be at home with very little to do so it would play on my mind more.

Just recently his friends have been inviting him out to gigs and outings a lot more without me. I didn't really mind at first thinking it was good for him to start doing things with his own friends again and it seemed to make him really happy. With him working 8 - 5 every day and not coming home til late, doing general household chores and duties and then being unbelievably tired very early on in the evening we weren't really spending much time together. He would promise me that the weekends would be just for us but then one of his friends would turn up on his doorstep out of the blue to take him out places and I have to admit anytime this happened it really did upset me. Unfortunately it is something that you need to do, you need to both go out and do your own things or eventually you will get sick and tired of each other and just continue to argue. Maybe you yourself need to take up some kind of hobby or class that you could do while she is out doing her own things to take your mind off the situation? And then try and arrange a few days during the week for JUST the TWO of you. Have dinner together, go out somewhere nice, maybe take a class or new activity together. Just something fun that can keep you both satisfied with each other. It's difficult to find a balance between working, pursing your own hobbies and interests and spending time together but it is possible to do so. Talk to her about it, explain that you do really want her to do her own stuff but you also want some of her time too. Try to come to some kind of arrangement and maybe you will feel less jealous.

[sr2011]

WOW....very similar
When you try to do something for you, it almost is like..."Why couldn't we just do this stuff together?"...but it's bad thinking and does the REVERSE

[Cerby]

I went back and read your original post to get the scope of the situation. You two live together, so its natural for someone to want to spend some time to themselves (and work doesn't count). You have some dependency problem that requires you to have validation from your gf hour over hour. She on the other hand values her time, and her activities. This makes you feel like you're not the most important thing to her in her life. You need to accept your role as her boyfriend, and not the lord of her life. Have you considered speaking to a counsellor, either alone or as a couple? It might shed some light on your behavior.

To put it in perspective:
I live with my GF, she only works 2-3 days a week whereas I work 5 days plus OT. She has all the alone time she needs, but she also understands that on my two days off a week I like to spend some with my friends, some playing hockey, and some just going out and running because it allows me to connect with myself. On top of that 3 out of the 5 days I work I also have activities at night. I'd guess that we spend maybe 2 nights a week of solid alone time, and we live together. It just means that our time together is worth more.

[sr2011]

Thanks.
I am still having a very hard time when my GF tells me about plans with her friends. It's like she's been "let out" of a jail, and she sees her friends 3-4, sometimes 5x/week, between Zumba, etc....nothing more than an hour or two max each time.

Now, Thurs night, she is going to a Michael Jackson thing in the city with her friends....and when she gets home, she's tired and sleepy...

She sees nothing wrong with it

I'm supposed to do what I feel is right...and what feels right is for me to say, "hey....whats going on here?"

Am I wrong?

[Wakeup]

Thanks.
I am still having a very hard time when my GF tells me about plans with her friends. It's like she's been "let out" of a jail, and she sees her friends 3-4, sometimes 5x/week, between Zumba, etc....nothing more than an hour or two max each time.

Now, Thurs night, she is going to a Michael Jackson thing in the city with her friends....and when she gets home, she's tired and sleepy...

She sees nothing wrong with it

I'm supposed to do what I feel is right...and what feels right is for me to say, "hey....whats going on here?"

Am I wrong?

SR, what do you do besides lean heavily on your gf to make you happy?

[Cerby]

Thanks.
I am still having a very hard time when my GF tells me about plans with her friends. It's like she's been "let out" of a jail, and she sees her friends 3-4, sometimes 5x/week, between Zumba, etc....nothing more than an hour or two max each time.

Now, Thurs night, she is going to a Michael Jackson thing in the city with her friends....and when she gets home, she's tired and sleepy...

She sees nothing wrong with it

I'm supposed to do what I feel is right...and what feels right is for me to say, "hey....whats going on here?"

Am I wrong?

Well, you're supposed to do what you feel is right for sure, but when it negatively impacts your partner or relationship, is it really right, or just a misconception of right? Everyone is entitled to a life outside the relationship, if you tell your gf that you don't feel right about her having that, then you're taking away from her rights as an individual.

Answer Wakeup's question - what else is important to you besides her?

[sr2011]

Right now...my first true love is Finding a Job !!!....It supersedes all else.

Now...can someone help me my define boundaries here?
This is her late week to work....
On top of that, she planned 2-3 nights of Zumba this week, + a concert with her girlfriends Thursday night.
All of which I have been supportive. I even told her which shoes to get for Zumba to support her knees, since I'm familiar with those things.

OK, being genuinely supportive.

Now...the past few nights, I got held up sorting my own personal things, and could not be back to watch her two kids.
She sulked and said, "I'm gonna quit Zumba"...to which I gave her hell over the word "quit"...

Today, she E-mails me and says:
"Youll be happy to know im not going to zumba"
I was infuriated....I have done nothing but supported her, and she even told me she sees how I changed.

BUT...Did she ever stop and think I have things to do as well?
Things that cannot be done during people's work days!!
People are not going to finish up fast for me just so she can go running around at night.
That's reality

I told her....like I said...Shit has changed in my life, and
"I cannot worry about making YOU happy and all of your whims and moods
....I have to make MYSELF happy..."

and in reference to her saying I do nothing to help out...which is not true (she's PMSing):
"If you really want me to move out, then we were not meant to be in the first place, and I'll be grateful for seeing your true colors come out now vs. later."


Thoughts?

[Cerby]

Sounds like you're both a bit poisonous and hypocritical. You get upset when she has things to do, but expect complete compliance when you have something you need to do. She on the other hand goes on a complete tangent when you don't bend to her will either.

Two options:
1) Couples Counselling - figure out your boundaries TOGETHER, not here.
2) Break Up - You're well on your way to this option, if you don't seek help, you will default to here.

[searock]

OP, I would totally freak out if I were your gf. My ex boyfriend was as clingy as you are, perhaps a bit less, but in the end I still couldn't stand it. He made me feel guilty for wanting to spend my free time not ONLY alone with him or his friends, he would get upset and think that I didn't care enough - false. You should work on yourself rather than on your relationship. Why do you need her constant presence to make you happy? Why do you think that if she spends time with her friends on her free time, it means she doesn't care about you? She cares about you AND about her friends: it's not a race as to whom she cares for the most. She enjoys spending time with her friends as much as she does spending time with you - and it's NORMAL. Don't you enjoy spending time with your friends as well? The way you love your gf is obviously different from the way you love your friends, and that will never change no matter how much time you spend with them. Actually, the less time you spend together, the more valuable it is when you do. If you constantly check what she does, I assure you she'll end up feeling extremely frustrated and spied upon her every move. So what if she was napping after she got home from her friends' house? How could you possibly read that as a sign that she doesn't care about you. Ask yourself why you interpret things this way.

[bulrush]

I'm glad you are addressing your issues, OP. But I think you two have a different view of how to spend free time and how much time you spend together. This is going to be another big challenge for you I think.