Trapped between a Physicist and a Musician...

[HarmoniousC]

Hello World, I trust you are well.
I warn you before you read this that it is going to be very long and possibly very arduous to read but I'm in dire need of some advice. Please be patient..

Three months ago I met a guy off a dating site (let's call him A) - all seemed well, seemed a lovely guy and we ended up on a spontaneous trip to Dublin, Ireland for 5 days and then coming back as a couple. Things between us recently have become a little bit more than strained; being someone who hates getting into routines, the fact that A and I's relationship has fallen into one recently has become a little bit upsetting for me. As well as this, over the past 2 weeks A has somewhat transformed into an argumentative person (something that I avoid) - the issue of the arguments being that he wants us to move up a level and begin having anal sex. I am not ready for that, not in myself and not in so early in our relationship either. When I say this to A, he calls me a liar and accuses me of leading him on; this I know not being the truth considering I am not the kind of girl to lie about what I want in bed. All I have heard from A about it is "that I know how much it means to him" and there even came to a point around a week ago when he nearly left me due to me not wanting us to progress (if ever) at that speed.


....Now is where it gets a little bit complicated.....

There is someone in my life who I hold extremely dear to me, let's call him T. T and I have been talking online for the past three, nearly four years and during the process of A starting the "anal-debate" with myself, A drove me to see T play at a gig. T and I have always considered the fact that there might be something between us, emotionally and the night that we met it became apparent that we were right. I spent around 10-15 minutes alone in T's company and he left - leaving me feel soul-less and alone with a moaning A (Who was at this point, texting his friend complaining about being in a grotty bar) ... A and I went back to his house that night and I had all the symptoms of heartache; for example- All I wanted was to be drunk and there was a bottle of rum a foot away from me and I couldn't find it within myself to reach for it.

A week past and considering the fact I only see A at weekends due to my college course and his job, I told him that I needed something exciting to happen in my life (refering back to our relationship turning into a routine) and I ended up going to visit T at his house on the saturday morning (a whole half an hour away from A's house, roughly 100 miles from my own house in turn).. T met me and we spent our first day alone together and my heart swells to remember the events of it. He took me to watch his band rehearse, all of whom consider me to be family after the meeting. On this day I recieved a roughly 30 texts off A asking me when I would be back - each one being like chinese water torture.

When I left T and got on the train to meet back up with A, I broke down - just to point out, I'm not the kind of girl who cries easily. I met A, who was in a very stressy yet mopey state of mind and instantly wished I was back with T and his happy vibes. A and I then proceeded to go out for a few beers (which turned into shots and pitchers of various cocktails) ...all apparently fueling a major argument between us both, started on my own part. -NOTE; I hate all forms of confrontation, arguments, violence-

I am torn between a physicist and a musician and I don't have a clue about what to do.
Advice please?
HarmoniousC.

[VincenzoG91]

First, start taking responsibility for your actions. You make it seem like these things are just happening to you, but they are happening because you are letting them happen. Figure out what you want out of life, and then go for it. Otherwise, you will continue to drift into random and awkward situations that leave everybody unhappy.

A: It doesn't seem like you and A are compatible. He's a physicist, and you don't like routines. Your relationship with him started really quickly and has only lasted three months before going bad. Is anal a dealbreaker for you? If so, then it shouldn't be a topic for discussion with A anymore. Either he respects your boundaries, or he needs to leave you alone. 30 texts in one day sounds like harassing control-freak behavior.

T: Why didn't you get involved with T years ago? Is it the distance? If so, which one of you will be moving? If neither of you plan on moving, then you should plan on this not working out, because long-distance is generally a relationship killer, and musician dudes tend to get more attention from women than normal guys.

What was up with the irresponsible drinking? Was this a special occasion?

[dem862]

Why are you still with A? He is manipulative, controlling and disrespectful. It seems like you are looking for a reason to get away from him, and perhaps you are hoping T is that reason. I would suggest that you don't need either man in your life, and perhaps it would be best to be single for a while and give your heart a rest. Then after sufficient time has passed, allow yourself to date some different guys to get a feel for what you really want. T sounds like too nice a guy to use as a rebound, and really when women do that it just spreads the grief around where it doesn't belong.