Should I?

[missanthrope]

Two weeks until I vacation on spring break in Italy Very excited!

[miffy]

Gogogo! Sending you positive energy ^^

[missanthrope]

THANKS!

Ok, don't flame me for this but this is a serious question: putting aside all the obvious emotions I still have for him, I want to have sex with him REALLY badly. Our physical chemistry is explosive and he's still the best sex I've ever had.

We're set for dinner on the 6th of April together with a whole bunch of great mutual friends. Would it be too much to go over his new apartment after (both to see the apartment AND to see him), and after chatting for a while and relaxing a bit (maybe a cocktail or two) emerge from the bathroom or something and catch him by surprise while wearing lingerie? I want to tell him all the things I want to do to him, right there in person where he has to look into my eyes and see me in some sexy lacy thigh highs. ;-) I really, really, really want him physically and last time it seemed like the physicality got him to open up to me again.

Thoughts? Bad idea? Is that a psycho move? When you're actually dating someone, that's SO hot and men love it (and so do I!). How would that be seen in our situation?

[IndiReloaded]

You aren't dating, so I would set things up quite differently. The scenario you describe doesn't leave yourself (or him!) a graceful out if things go sideways. That, and you are going to spoil things with your over-thinking. Just go and enjoy yourself. Find a quiet moment that evening and whisper in his ear from behind a wine glass what you'd like to do to him later that night.

If he wants you, you'll know. It will save you any potential embarrassment if he doesn't. Plus you get to tease him for the rest of the night with smoldering looks. Maybe you even leave early so he comes to find you. All kinds of delightful games you can play with your lover--if you stay cool.

[missanthrope]

Good idea! I'm still going to put on some sexy underthings though

[missanthrope]

Just spoke to him five minutes ago. He told me he's casually dating people.

We had a long heartfelt conversation. He told me that he is scared of getting hurt again by me. Back story: when we broke up, it was VERY hurtful for me. I had already moved back to the U.S. and he has promised to join me. While waiting for months for him back in the U.S., he broke up with me over the phone (he said he was feeling pressured by me to move back home--even though he had already promised to do so). I was distraught. I had found out while dating him (from him) that he and his ex had broken up in a similar way. She had moved to Germany, he was supposed to come get her but he never showed. The difference is, he told me, that he hated his ex and even after we broke up he never hated me and he always thought I was a good person, just that it was too soon for him.

After a week or two post-breakup, I remembered that he once showed me his ex girlfriend's blog. So I contacted her, just to explain who I was. I just wanted someone to talk to who had been through it before, especially considering their breakup was so similar. I couldn't hide it from him, and so I immediately told him I spoke to her. He was LIVID at me. I don't think in the past year he has ever forgotten that I did that and although he has forgiven me, he said that the reason he is tentative is because of that.

I don't know where I stand now. He said he never hated me or thought I was a bad person. He said he still wants to know me as a person, but that he is cautious. I had no idea about how still felt about this re: trust issues. Our whole relationship together I was extremely trustworthy and so was he, it's just that this one incident post-breakup has really changed his opinion of me. Now that I know about this, it makes me see things a bit more clearly.

I know even though someone is casually dating, that doesn't mean things are serious. Hell, I've been forcing myself to go out on dates, dance with guys and have a good time and nothing comes of it.

How can I make him see that I *am* trustworthy but it was a brief, fleeting moment of weakness and I turned to her because I had no one else who I felt understood me? Can you get trust back?

[oneandonly]

We all do stupid things after a break up but contacting my ex's ex has never crossed my mind! What's there any need to explain who I am to a complete stranger? That's a bit odd to me and I wouldn't like it either. It's not about trust being broken. It's about a person's character. It wouldn't be, however, something I would hold against my ex though. After all, I know him enough anyway.

If a guy likes a girl and sees that she had to talk to someone who happens to be his ex after a break up, he should be able to look past it. I mean, nobody is perfect. You take the good with the bad. You cannot take people in slices. But his 'the bad' criteria can be different from anyone else's. Only he knows what he wants and if he sees future with you. There is no point in assuming this and that and running through all possible scenarios.

Like I said before, if two of you mesh together so perfectly well and meant to be together, it will be very hard to mess things up. Just be yourself and go with the flow. If it doesn't work out, move on. After all, he is not the sole purpose of you being there anyway, which you've said all along.

[missanthrope]

I just feel like this: if he had contacted any of my exes, I would have been cool with that. Why? It was always ended on good terms (I'm going to be in my other ex's wedding party actually). But I recognize that we are two different people and what is okay for me might not be okay for him.

The issue I am really having with it is this... I know I would never EVER breach his trust like that again (which brings me to my point though. Was it even a breach of trust if we were no. longer. together? Like, I don't owe him any loyalty after he breaks up with me.. you know?) and I want to know how to show him that.

In relationships I am extremely trustworthy and it absolutely breaks my heart that this still colors his perception of me. I would like to think that I am a person of integrity who had a moment of weakness that many people would have taken advantage of like I did. While we were together the thought of talking to her or being with anyone else would never ever cross my mind. I was just so distraught and needed to speak to someone who had "been there."

Incidentally, about two years ago my ex from years ago's WIFE contacted me. She wanted to know if Matt (my ex ex ex) was a pathological liar. He was. So the notion of an ex contacting an ex isn't really that weird to me, because I've been the girl contacted in the past. I don't know.

All I do know is even if we end up as friends (the guy in Italy and me) and there is no romance involved whatsoever, it would still hurt to know he can't trust me. It really upsets me and I don't want it to be like that. Ever.

[oneandonly]

IMO, if someone has to contact her husband's ex to find out if he was a pathological liar, she knew it anyway and wanted a confirmation. 'WHY', I won't know. I mean, it would be a lot easier for me to just walk away than get a confirmation from someone else. This means, she did not know him enough or didn't want to admit till someone confirmed what she was doubting. Obviously, she had far more serious issues than worrying about 'breaking trust' for the presumably well broken relationship.

I don't see you having contacted his ex has anything to do with trust, tbh. Although I wouldn't like it, I don't see it as such a big deal unless he's got something he was hiding from you or feels uneasy about you finding out something from his ex.

Like you said, people are different in their perception on certain circumstances. For this very reason, you cannot change how he sees/feels about you. It's his loss if he cannot look past it but it's really hard for me to believe that, when a man cannot imagine a life without a girl, things like will be an absolute deal breaker.

[IndiReloaded]

Just spoke to him five minutes ago. He told me he's casually dating people.

I just wanted someone to talk to who had been through it before, especially considering their breakup was so similar. I couldn't hide it from him, and so I immediately told him I spoke to her. He was LIVID at me. I don't think in the past year he has ever forgotten that I did that and although he has forgiven me, he said that the reason he is tentative is because of that.

I don't know where I stand now. He said he never hated me or thought I was a bad person. He said he still wants to know me as a person, but that he is cautious.

You sound like someone who has very poor self-control. B/t this and your other thread, I'm starting to question your stability, frankly. If I were him, I'd be cautious as well. You're starting to sound like a good lay, but not relationship or marriage material.

Its one thing to be spirited for oneself, another to bring other people into your issues. Take back your dignity, Missan. Stop overinvesting in this guy, its not healthy.

[IndiReloaded]

In relationships I am extremely trustworthy and it absolutely breaks my heart that this still colors his perception of me. I would like to think that I am a person of integrity who had a moment of weakness that many people would have taken advantage of like I did. While we were together the thought of talking to her or being with anyone else would never ever cross my mind. I was just so distraught and needed to speak to someone who had "been there."

All I do know is even if we end up as friends (the guy in Italy and me) and there is no romance involved whatsoever, it would still hurt to know he can't trust me. It really upsets me and I don't want it to be like that. Ever.

Trust comes from him. Trustworthy comes from you. He may not be able to reconcile the two. The only way to predict the future is by past actions. For many, what you did is a deal-breaker. If I were him, I wouldn't trust you either. What YOU would or wouldn't do in a situation is irrelevant. I'm sorry.

[haxan]

Wow missanthrope, what happened to focusing on your career and a move you wanted to make for yourself? I'm not sure if you're OCD by nature, but you've really latched on to the prospect of rekindling this relationship and seem to be smothering it to death, before it can even spark a flame. Just as a guy reading your posts and trying to give you some insight, you make me nervous. I can only imagine how he feels.

Read this post again:

Take back your dignity, Missan. Stop overinvesting in this guy, its not healthy.

Try and focus on yourself. On your career, your move, your future. What happens with him is going to happen, recapturing magic is tough. It seems like he's pretty cognizant of that, but still, don't drive it in to the ground before it has the chance.

Don't take what I said too harshly either, you seem like a nice girl with a lot going on for you. In this instance however, what's going on may have got the best of you. If it doesn't work out after the brief honeymoon period of reconnecting is over, I hope that you can be positive and move forward with your life.