Advice appreciated!

[ads1015]

Hi all, I'm new and would appreciate some advice..

Here's my story. Late last year I asked out a girl that I had a crush on back in high school (over a decade ago). We weren't good friends, but we knew of each other back then, and since then I have just randomly run into her maybe 3 or 4 times over the years. I decided one day to be bold and ask her out (via Facebook, the only means I had of contacting her). She said yes, and we went out. The first date was amazing, the best I've ever had...and not because it was my former crush or some sort of fantasy, but because not only did I still think she was absolutely beautiful, but we just connected..instantly and strongly. We spoke and laughed and had some drinks and kissed over the course of a five hour date. She texted me at 7 am the next morning to say what a great time she had, etc..which I was thrilled about, because I hate game playing, and she seemed very straight forward about the way she felt. I asked when can I see you again, she answered, how about Monday (3 days later)..There was no BS. Over the course of the next 3 months we dated..and here is where the problem arises. This girl was exhibiting all the behavior I would want from a girl I had strong feelings for..she expressed them back to me with actions..texting back and forth with me 50 times a day, asking me if I wanted to hang out, watch a movie, get drinks..etc..practically every other day..all beginning right from the start..like I said, no BS or games. After 3 or 4 weeks the relationship became sexual, and I am very confident that we were both satisfied with that part. The thing is..and it's hard to explain..but, she essentially pulled me in close, and as soon as I got close she pushed me away..and it happened sort of constantly. For example..she would tell me time and time again how amazing I was, how she never expected to like me so much and so fast, how after just a few dates she could see herself ending up with me, etc..but then, in almost the same breath (literally in the same sentence) she would say something like ..'but it just scares me to feel this way, I don't want to end up hurting you, I don't know if I trust myself' she would even say that she was damaged. I didn't really get it, and she didn't offer me much of an explanation. Another thing is, she has an ex bf, who also went to my HS and doesn't like me for whatever reason..and I believe he dumped her...when he first heard of us dating I know he got back in touch and started contacting her a bit..although I have a mutual friend with him and know for a fact he had no interest in getting back with her. Some more background on this girl which is interesting...she comes from an extreme amount of wealth..her parents were prob a bit absentee, and obv money comes with it's set of problems..she has never had to really work for anything, she doesn't have to worry about paying bills or having a good job or any of that..shes spoiled, maybe even a little selfish because of it. She even went to a very good college, and yet she decided to go to a trade school to work in a field that I'd rather not say, just to not insult anyone here by saying it's 'beneath' her potential ..and it almost seems like she's still this rebellious teenager..she drinks pretty heavily when she goes out, even still does some recreational drugs..which obviously isn't good ever, but I mean people experiment..but usually grow out of it...she's 30...

I fell in love with her..when we were together she was amazing and sweet and loving with me..but at the same time, she likes to go out and party and be flirty, etc...but the things she said to me, the way she acted...SHE set the pace here as far as bringing me close, keeping in close contact every day and seeing each other all the time..SHE set that pace, and yet out of nowhere one day she says we need to slow down the pace..and essentially not date anymore because one day it will jsut blow up in our face..I saw no signs whatsoever of anything 'blowing up' and even as she's breaking up with me she tells me she's still totally into me, thinks I am everything she could ever want..It killed me to hear her tell me weeks or months earlier that she was 'damaged' and 'didn't deserve someone as good as me'..but it almost makes sense to me that she was right about all that, and when she pulled me in close, and I responded by letting myself get close and tell her how amazing I thought she was, she pushed me away.

I guess my question is, since it's now 2 months later, and I still think about this girl every single day..because I know underneath all the conflicted BS she is an amazing girl and we had such a strong connection before it got close and she got scared away..how can I pursue her effectively at this point (I think it is still worth it, even though some of you will probably disagree) Since we have been apart, I have seen her once. we have kept in touch to a limited extent..a few texts here and there..but one day a month ago I texted her I missed her..she responded that she was just thinking about me..so we had dinner...during which she made no reference to wanting to continue to date me, literally just acting like we were two friends having dinner..but yet when I walked her home, she did kiss me on the lips for about 10 seconds...

Since then she has just been sort of distant again.. I said last week let's grab a drink, she said sounds good but she had to get back to me about when..hasn't gotten back to me...

Basically, this is a girl who has some issues, no question..intimacy issues, family issues, etc..but I swear, if you saw us up until the day she said goodbye, you would think this was going somewhere, and fast...please let me know your thoughts on how I can try and either date her again, or what the hell is going on in this girl's head! Thanks!

[nerdy_guy]

Some people are good at making other people feel good. That doesn't mean they're good for you. You keep running after this girl, it'll be your loss. I suggest you move on.

[Red Apollo]

I don't think you can effectively pursue this girl. The ball is pretty much in her court, and I don't think its going anywhere. She gave you the warning up front, you didn't take it.

[ads1015]

i definitely hear what you're saying, and this is the advice i expect, and have received from most..but i guess the problem i have with it is that at some point a person will grow up..i mean, in the beginning this was amazing, and she pushed it to a bf/gf type level (without putting that label on it) because it felt so right..i didn't force it on her i let her move it at her pace..and it is clear she got scared of it getting too close and then bailed..but the signs of wanting something are there, despite having these issues..and i guess i figure she isn't irreversibly damaged..i'm quite certain she hasn't been abused, maybe just a bit emotionally messed up because of her life of excess and parents who live that way as well...but the deeper issue to me is that she showed her true self at the very beginning - an awesome, fun loving, caring, straightforward girl..and then she hid all of that away after it started to get close..of course this becomes a problem, but i saw what she really is underneath..dont you think i can get that back out of her somehow? i mean..there are different types of girls/personalities..some like to be chased, some like to be ignored/chase the guy...this girl has clear self esteem/self image issues, and im wondering if its the sort of thing where i can somehow show her that i/this was very real, and the connection is still there and i want to be with her..maybe she needs to be chased somehow to be shown what i think of her..? is that ridiculous?

[nerdy_guy]

Not ridiculous at all. But it seems that you're reasoning out for her because you want to pursue her. Is this how she really feels or is this what your hoping about what she feels? Its not about what you think, its about what she thinks.

[ads1015]

well, yes to an extent im sure a lot of this is about me wanting her to feel a certain way. but stepping back and looking at it as objectively as i can, i really do believe this is a girl who went from hot to cold and did a 180 just like that..out of nowhere. i really did feel the strong connection, as she was the one who initiaited the constant talking and seeing each other ...i mean she met my mother a week before breaking it off with me..and the reason she met my mom, is because about 4 days prior she actually said to me..id like to meet your mom..so, i do assume she has some issues with intimacy, because as the other guy said, she did give me these warnings about her tendency to self-sabotage...but, assuming that i am right about this, and she does have feelings for me, but also does have these issues...how would you sugges i approach it..or is it hopeless to expect her to grow and 'change'

[nerdy_guy]

Let me ask you this, if she keeps switching from hot and cold. Do you really think the relationship will get better? expecting her to grow and change is up to her. And only the guy that could make her grow and change, is someone she decides to be with. You can't make yourself into that guy. That would be against who you are now. in other words, you'll be lying to yourself just to get the girl. With all these trouble that you're going through, I don't feel that she's worth the effort. You feel that strong connection because you're really into her, and she's really good at making it feel that way. That doesn't mean its real. I can't suggest how you should approach this as it is against my better judgement to teach a fellow guy how to ram himself onto a brick wall. You can't make people change, people only change when they want themselves to change.

[ads1015]

well, let me say this..i would prob give the same advice youre giving me to somebody else in this situation. i am not letting go of it/her because it just all felt like it was so amazing..the whole thing with wanting to meet my mother, even little things like..i'd be at her place and her grandmother would call up and ask about me (obviously she told her family all about me)..it just doesn't make sense that a person could flip like that..and im almost certain it's not about another guy..and that it is indeed her issues. yes, i agree with you, flipping from hot to cold makes for a turbulent relationship. but suppose that guy you are talking about, that one guy who she will decide to be with , who will help her grow and change, is the guy who is patient enough because he does think shes worth the effort..suppose this is an ideal world and i am correct about this girl underneath all the issues being great and worthwhile..i mean flip it around and pretend the girl, the person with the issues was your friend..you wouldnt advise your friend to give up on love and tell them their issues are incurable...so anyway, suppose she is worth it, just for the sake of argument here..what would you think would be the best way to try and reapproach her..just a little more info..yes, i agree people only change when they want themselves to change..and i can tell you that within 2 or 3 dates at the very beginning she let out little bits and pieces about how her life is a little bit of a mess..but she actually did use the words 'i do want to try and change, and be more mature' so i do believe she wants it, even if it hasnt happened yet..

[nerdy_guy]

I can't tell you much about it since I don't know what's troubling her. But seeing that you're quite intent on shooting yourself in the foot, all I can say is that, be a friend to her for now. The first thing you have to figure out is how to let her open up her troubles to you. I can't help you there since I don't know her so it is something you have to figure out for yourself. This is the most important thing. If possible, ask her out on dates, where it is quiet, where she can clear her head without using any mind-numbing substance, and let her open up to you. Achieve that, and everything else should start falling into place. Once again, there are no guarantees, you can't force her to open up to you. Like I said, if you are the right guy in her eyes, she'll naturally open up.

[ads1015]

i appreciate your advice, and i probably will end up shooting myself in the foot. i guess i subscribe to the school of thought that says anything worthwhile takes persistence..and this has been my experience in life as well.. anything i have of value ive chased after and persisted hard, even when rejected at first..sort of didnt take no for an answer. i suppose you are probably saying that she simply isnt something worthwhile..but i dont know, it has been 2 months and i think about this girl every minute of the day..because for the life of me i cannot see a single thing that went wrong, and i cant imagine that a person will actually sabotage themself to the extent that they will just NEVER let themself have something good

on the flip side though, as much as i want to persist and continue trying to get back with her..i did sort of leave the ball in her court. i saw her about a month ago..then nothing really. then i texted just to say hi maybe 2 weeks ago, and said we should get a drink..shes like sounds good but was away visiting her mom..but never got back to me..then last week she texted me because i ran into her friend..and after a few texts i said we should get a drink, and she said sounds good and would let me know..but never did..so i dont want to be that total idiot that keeps saying lets get a drink when she hasnt made the effort from her side..so its a tough spot

[nerdy_guy]

Seems like she's keeping distance. The 'sounds good' reply sounds more like she's trying to be polite in turning you down. Maybe she doesn't have to heart to directly tell you 'NO'. so she'd rather say that and not follow up on it.
The school of thought about being persistent doesn't always apply to relationships. Some people see that as just plain annoying. There is a fine line between being persistent, and being consistent.

[ads1015]

update..

so she was texting me last week, and i ended up seeing her..we ended up sleeping together..but not just sex, i mean..before going to sleep she took my arm and put it around her and held my hand as we fell asleep..romantic/intimate..

the next day she had to go out of state to a funeral, but shes texting me while shes away about how sad it all is and everything thats going on over there..and its late friday night..then says something like 'oh sorry, i didnt realize its late friday night, youre prob out having fun and dont want to talk about this now" clearly..a little bit of a game there..but i guess my point is..i feel like the feelings are still there...

again, i know youre against my thought process/motivations lol but i do want to try and get this to happen..what would you suggest from here

[gardenofjade]

She was asking if you were out with someone else on friday night. duh. for godsakes man, tell her you want her.

[ads1015]

she knows i want her..the backstory is above..im trying to get her back here and she hasnt repsonded well to 'pressure' or pushing too hard..