Male mind??

[Nikki0526]

Hi guys,
I have been dating this guy for 2 in a half years. We do not live together, we are not engaged and honestly I'm beginning to think we may never be. He is 25 I'm 26, I'm divorced and have a 7 year old son. He loves my son and my son loves him. My boyfriend live 45 mins away and we only normaly get to see one another on the weekends. We had the best weekend in a very long time this past weekend, well when we got back to my house this afternoon he said he wanted to have sex since we hadn't had a chance to have too much private time this weekend. Then he would go home, well me just joking around, I said wow, you want to just get laid and leave?? His answer was we have been together all weekend, and I will see you again soon. I have to go home in a few but we havent had sex!! I'm really upset by this answer. I was just starting to think that maybe after 2 1/2 years he would maybe want to take things to another level but after that comment, I was hurt and didn't know what to do or say. I want to be with him and I'm ready to move in together and be able to see one another more than 2 days a week! Is he afraid of commitment or does he just not want to grow up. He has one semester left of college, and his mom and dad still pay for EVERYTHING!!!!! He does not have to work and they throw money at him all the time. I have a full time job, a nice place to live and pay all my bills on my own with no help from anyone! I'm really confused please help me.

[gardenofjade]

Guys like sex. Maybe being a mom makes you preoccupied. Sex and intimacy makes love stronger. If he was my man I would have had sex when I first saw him and again before he left.

[Nikki0526]

I enjoy sex sometimes more than him. We had gone out drinking Sat night so, sex wasnt on the plate last night and I tried before we went out but he said he was too hot from the shower and couldnt get it up. Idk, maybe I'm thinking too much into this, but it just hurt for him to say lets do it and then i'm going home and all I hear is because after 2 1/2 years spending 2 days with you is all I want.

[gardenofjade]

Maybe he's not the guy for you anymore.

[CAM]

Well, you portray him as a Momma's (and Daddy's) boy on retainer, so I conclude--based on your portrayal--that you are weekend fun for him. What is your motive in staying with him? You didnt mention loving him, you did mention that he financially secure (through family) and that he is good to your boy.

Based on this info, I would say that you don't know exactly what you want, either. Unless it is financial security in the long term. He doesn't sound like a grown up. Neither do you, though. No offense, but as a mother of a seven year old, you should not want to bring another "little boy" into your life...the one you are dating.

[haxan]

There's a lot going on there Nikki, it's hard to get a straight read on it. My initial reaction is that you have a lot of responsibility in your life and are looking for stability and more. Him, maybe not so much. I'm sure he loves you and cares for your son, but you may just be a 'hot' time for him, until he finds the one.

Hard to say...

[Nikki0526]

I love him more than anything and he tells me that he loves me and that he want to move in together and get married. But he says his parents wouldnt approve if we werent at least engaged before we moved in together. Cam, I waited a year before I introduced him to my son, so I'm not a bad parent in that sense or any other sense. I have provided for myself for 3 years since my divorce and i'm financially stable on my own. I dont want or need someone to take care of me. I just really care for him and want him to see that telling me "I've been with you all weekend" because I want him to stay a little longer is not what you tell your long term Girlfriend. Haxan, I really hope i'm not just a hot time for him but in the back of my mind I can see where you are coming from. I do enjoy the stability in theory, because I havent really seen too much. He helps out when he is at my house. But it still hard being a single mother. I work 40+ hrs a week and I have to make my son go to an after school program due to me not getting off till late. My point is he never has offered too much with stability. So I'm just really confused why after being together for this long, he hasnt taken any step forward.

[bulrush]

"I've been with you all weekend" because I want him to stay a little longer is not what you tell your long term Girlfriend.

Well I have to agree with you on that one. If he really was in love with you, he would want to spend a bit more time with you after sex. I'm a guy and when I care about someone, I like to spend lots of time with them. I just enjoy their company.

So you two have talked about moving in together in the past? What does he say about it now? Time to talk to him again about it.

[Nikki0526]

He says he want to spend time with me but he has so much studying to do. He is almost finished with his flight instructor certificate and says it takes a tons of studying. But he is always hanging out with his friends when he isn't with me. I know he is studying most of the time, so please dont think I doubt what he tells me. But he tells me he cant study if I'm there and he cant study here so he has had to cut back on sending time together. We have talked about moving in together and back at Christmas he told me to find a place for us. Well as soon as I called him a week or so after he told me to look and said " I found the perfect place for us to rent till you get a job at an airport"( We won't be able to live for a long time where we are now since the only large airport is in Atlanta so we cant buy a house just yet) He freaked out and said No we cant live there, there was nothing wrong with the house, then he said he couldn't get out of his current lease til May, then why even say for me to start looking. I honestly think he is cared of commitment. He loves me I know he does and he is my heart, but I'm to old to be played with and I'm really worried he isnt going to want to take that next step like I would want him to. Now, we broke up a yr ago due to this same stuff and we both saw other people and finally got back together. He was different for a while and then all of a sudden its like whoo, put the brakes on!! So I guess thats something else that confuses me.

[IndiReloaded]

He says he want to spend time with me but he has so much studying to do. He is almost finished with his flight instructor certificate and says it takes a tons of studying.

You do realize that, if you stay together, he won't be around much? A young pilot flies where he is told and on a not-too-regular schedule. Not sure a pilot would be my first choice if I was trying to create a stable family unit. Just saying.

[haxan]

I do enjoy the stability in theory, because I havent really seen too much. He helps out when he is at my house. But it still hard being a single mother. I work 40+ hrs a week and I have to make my son go to an after school program due to me not getting off till late. My point is he never has offered too much with stability. So I'm just really confused why after being together for this long, he hasnt taken any step forward.

Hey Nikki, I'm a parent, so I can imagine that doing it yourself, even if you're meeting ends, must be very hard. Bottom line, aftercare sucks, it'd be nice for you or a loved one to be with your son, so he can do his thing at home, or entertain a hobby, instead of an aftercare program.

You're probably not going to like what I say, because I really don't feel very much positive vibe with what you've described. It sounds like his parents still have a lot of input in his life (obviously), and I can tell you this, they're probably not enthusiastic at all about him starting his life with a single mother, and I'm sure have made this known. We can't control who we fall in love with. He's fallen in love with you, but it may bother him that he's getting an instant family if he settles down with you. Let's face it, it's not what we daydream about when we daydream about getting married and starting a family. I'm sure you never intended to get divorced and be a single mom, it just happened.

I'm sensing very cold feet about moving forward on his part. To be honest, those type of feelings very rarely 'come around'. It's probably going to be a slow, painful end to the relationship unless he has some sort of an epiphany.

[Nikki0526]

Haxan,
Thank you for your input! His parents only found out I had a child about a yr ago. So we dated for a year and half before they even know. I didnt know he did not tell them. His mother is surprisingly inviting, more than likely due to the fact that my boyfriend has told his family that he does not want children of his own. I'm perfectly fine with that, I do not want any additional children. She has offered to keep him for us to go out on a date before. But they are a lot different than I am or my family. Very quiet and reserved. So I really am not sure how they feel about me and my son. But we split once already due to his cold feet. I told him he had untill my birthday and our 3 year anniversary(Nov. 2012) not make his mind up or I was gone for good this time. I want to settle down and not be toyed with. I'm too old to deal with it and my son is extremly attacted. But I had to put my foot down. After 3 years its time to make a decision and stop playing house!

[haxan]

Haxan,
Thank you for your input! His parents only found out I had a child about a yr ago. So we dated for a year and half before they even know. I didnt know he did not tell them. His mother is surprisingly inviting, more than likely due to the fact that my boyfriend has told his family that he does not want children of his own. I'm perfectly fine with that, I do not want any additional children. She has offered to keep him for us to go out on a date before. But they are a lot different than I am or my family. Very quiet and reserved. So I really am not sure how they feel about me and my son. But we split once already due to his cold feet. I told him he had untill my birthday and our 3 year anniversary(Nov. 2012) not make his mind up or I was gone for good this time. I want to settle down and not be toyed with. I'm too old to deal with it and my son is extremly attacted. But I had to put my foot down. After 3 years its time to make a decision and stop playing house!

Hey Nikki, you're welcome. To be honest, if you would've asked me if I wanted children when I was 25, I'm not sure what reply I would've given you, life changes. I could be wrong, because there are plenty of men that marry single moms, but from everything you've stated here about your relationship, there seems to be every indication that he has no plans of seriously moving forward.

When there's ALOT that you like about someone, but realize they're probably not the one you want to settle down with, breaking up with them can be very hard. Wanting to move on and yet not wanting to let someone go is tough

[Nikki0526]

See thats the point i've tried to make to him. He is still dependant solely on his parents and he is still in school. I never wanted children but I was blessed with my beautiful baby boy 7 years ago. I would not change that for the world but being older now and having my head finally on straight I'm perfectly happy with not having anymore children. I worry that a few years down the road he is going to change his mind. But anyways, I'm going to stick it out till he graduates in May, thats when he promised that we would move in and start a "life" together. Only time will tell, I have already lost him once and really would hate to lose him again but if he wants something totally different than I do whats the point of holding on to nothing! I love this guy more than I thought it was ever possible to love someone, just really wish we were on the same page! Thanks for all the advise. My head is still spinning and i'm not sure what to do or think, but I'm a very strong person and I will walk away if I have to or push harder if I have to.

[IndiReloaded]

Well, you portray him as a Momma's (and Daddy's) boy on retainer, so I conclude--based on your portrayal--that you are weekend fun for him. No offense, but as a mother of a seven year old, you should not want to bring another "little boy" into your life...the one you are dating.

What is your motive in staying with him?

Cam called this one early on. Stop trying to manipulate this boy into marrying you. Go find a grown up man.